Pop Culture A.D.D.

Gone drinkin’

2009-05-15T12:56:00.008-04:00

Thanks for taking the time to drop by Pop Culture A.D.D.

Feel free to have a look around and check out the archives on the right if you really need your fix of tongue-in-cheek pop culture news relating to Star Trek, comic books, Barack Obama, badass movie icons and, of course, Batman.

As for new content, that will just have to wait, as I’m off to the home of Tintin, French fries and Trappist beer (Belgium)...

...clogs, tulips and damn dirty hippies (The Netherlands)...

and the Nurburgring, ruthless efficiency and lederhosen (Germany).

Nobody spoil Terminator Salvation for me while I’m gone.

Cheers!

Star Trek: Worthy of the Iron Mantle?

2009-05-14T15:35:00.019-04:00

On May 2nd, 2008, Jon Favreau’s Iron Man was unleashed upon the world and rocked its way to a $102 million opening weekend and a $318 million gross. Iron Man had more than a few things going for it… being a Marvel Studios picture… Jon Favreau’s honest love of the material… the mix of practical and digital effects… and, of course, Robert Downey Jr. However, the thing that really made it a hit was the simple fact that it was downright fun and wildly entertaining.

Just over a year later, I found myself once again leaving a movie theatre after seeing a downright fun, wildly entertaining movie. I wish I could say I was talking about X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but we all know that is not the case and I must be referring to J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek.

With its 96% approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes, I’m obviously not the only one who thought the new Star Trek was a hoot. Beyond the previously established level of fun and entertainment, Star Trek was primarily exciting with just the right amount of humour, sex appeal and emotional resonance to balance things out.

It should be pointed out that I am no Trekkie and didn’t have any baggage to deal with going in. I watched the original TV series a bit as a kid and recognized all the characters and knew just enough to appreciate the work Abrams, the writers and the cast and crew put into the movie. However, I didn’t know so much as to be rendered incapable of enjoying it for what it was… and certainly not so much that the movie made me “supremely irate” like it did to a certain unnamed friend (Stephanie).

Now that all the broad ideas and fine print are out of the way, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present the Top-10 Reasons Why Star Trek Was Pretty Fuckin’ Cool:

10. It was like watching a shinier version of the original Star Wars.

From the similarities between young Kirk and young Luke (in his staring out at the twin suns days) to the awards ceremony at the end, Star Trek borrowed more than a few beats from the original Star Wars, but that is no bad thing. Star Trek seemed a bit clichéd at times, but in the very best, most awesome way possible.

9. Zoe Saldana.

As Nyota Uhura, actress Zoe Saldana brought more than her fair share of eye candy to the screen. No doubt Trekkies around the world will be debating the relative merits of Saldana versus original Uhura, actress Nichelle Nichols, for years to come. Sadly, the conversations will be about her effectiveness as a communications officer.

8. “Fire everything!”

Basically, this is just to give props to actor Eric Bana’s performance as the big, bad Nero. Nero’s motivations and Bana’s bad-assery combined to make a villain worthy of the new crew’s maiden voyage.

7. Spock Prime.

The presence of Leonard Nimoy was equal parts comforting and cool. Without going so far as to spoil the story or the plot elements that necessitate his presence, I will say I think the writers did a solid job re-booting the franchise while paying homage to everything that had happened beforehand.

6. Winona Ryder.

Just like seeing Leonard Nimoy brought me back to my childhood, seeing Winona Ryder (as Spock’s human mother) brought me back to my adolescence. It’s not exactly a return to the glory days of Reality Bites and Edward Scissorhands, but she’s always welcome on screen if you ask me.

5. The U.S.S. Enterprise as a fetish object.

Seriously, the way the U.S.S. Enterprise was revealed and the way it was shot was obviously designed to give Trekkies geek-gasms. Chris Pine or Zoe Saldana could have done a nude scene and it wouldn’t have been shot with as much laughable reverence and style as the U.S.S. Enterprise.

4. John Cho putting down the bong and picking up the sword.

I’ve got nothing but love for Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. I still laugh about laughing so hard I woke up my wife the first time I saw the cheetah scene. That being said, it was totally cool to see John Cho kick a little Romulan ass.

3. The time machine that brought DeForest Kelley back.

I see that IMDB lists actor Karl Urban as playing the young Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy, but I’m pretty positive somebody invented a time machine and went back and got DeForest Kelley when he was in his 30s and forced him into being in the new Star Trek by pulling the old Marty McFly fry-your-brains-with-a-Walkman routine.

2. Kirk & Spock.

The young Spock was more emotional and more sexual than I imagined him, but given the circumstances, it totally works. The young Spock was absolutely bang on… and not by mimicking the appearance or mannerisms of William Shatner, but by being fearless, cocksure, funny and charismatic. Welcome to movie stardom, Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto; just try to stay away from the hookers and blow. (Also, when Kirk and Spock became friends at the end of the movie, I could hear Cartman singing “You guys are my best friends” in my head.)

1. BOOM & silence.

“BOOM” is the theatre-shaking sound of the U.S.S. Enterprise going to warp speed and let me tell you, it was fucking awesome. I almost laughed out loud the first time it happened. Silence is the sound you’ll hear if you ever have the misfortune of getting sucked out into the vacuum of space. Both sounds effects helped make Star Trek as downright fun and wildly entertaining as it was.

Thanks, J.J. Abrams. Your Star Trek was awesome. Now go for a swim in your money, ala Scrooge McDuck.

Dijongate (Seriously, America. Stop it right now.)

2009-05-08T16:00:00.008-04:00

In his book The Audacity of Hope, now U.S. President Barack Obama wrote:

"What's troubling is the gap between the magnitude of our challenges and the smallness of our politics-the ease with which we are distracted by the petty and trivial.”

The petty and trivial distraction in question was his choice of cheeseburger condiment during a trip through Illinois. Apparently, after ordering Dijon for his burger at a T.G.I. Friday’s, a panicked political aide assured the waitress that Obama was mistaken and wanted good ol’ American yellow mustard instead.

Amazingly, Obama’s love of Dijon and America’s love of the petty and trivial has reared its ugly head again – this time with the added bonus of a media cover-up. At a well-publicized stop at a burger joint in Arlington, Virginia, earlier this week, Obama once again eschewed ketchup and yellow mustard in favour of the obviously unpatriotic and un-American Dijon.

To help the President maintain his street cred with Middle America, MSNBC apparently edited out Obama’s condiment faux pas. Not surprisingly, the team at Fox News has taken to the story like a rabid dog to a mailman, accusing Obama of being “fancy” and MSNBC of hiding it from the public.

Three things:

1. Fox News calling any other network to task for being biased is absolutely absurd. “Fox News” is an oxymoron. “Fox Propaganda”, “Fox Fear Mongering”, “Fox Conservative Opinion” or perhaps “Fox Comedy” would all be apt, but not Fox News.

2. All the power to you, Obama. If you want guacamole or Dijon or wasabi or whatever spice or condiment makes you happy, like Bobby Brown, that’s your prerogative. You’ve got enough on your plate without having to eat over-refined, bland food too. (Might I suggest horseradish Dijon next time… truly, a condiment worthy of a President.)

3. To those that are truly offended by Obama’s choice of condiment or are simply feigning offense to create a news story or satisfy a bloodthirsty, defeated, ultra-conservative fan base: look around you and grow the fuck up. The U.S. is fighting wars on multiple fronts, the economy is in shambles, the populace is scared to death of pigs and birds and terrorists and God knows what else by next week… try to show a little fucking restraint and make even a feeble effort to help make things better, not worse.

Obviously, this blog is dedicated almost entirely to things that are petty and trivial, so I’m in no real position to judge. That being said, even writing 2,500 words about Batman or Chewbacca seems perfectly sane and well-reasoned compared to the outpouring of small-minded craziness concerning Obama’s choice of condiment.

Things You Might Not Know Are Awesome But Totally Are: Batman: The Brave and The Bold

2009-05-04T14:54:00.006-04:00

A Rube Goldberg machine is a complicated system that performs a simple task, usually through a chain reaction. Whether you know it by name or not, you’ve likely seen one in action… especially if you’ve had the good fortune of playing the board game Mouse Trap.

It was my recent discovery of the awesomeness of Batman: The Brave and the Bold that got me thinking about Rube Goldberg machines. If not for an overly complicated series of events, I might not have experienced the simple, joyous end result of watching cartoon Batman punch a shark. This is how it all went down:

Saturday, April 25th, 10:00 a.m. – Go downtown to my favourite comic book store. Get exposed to every hobo germ downtown has to offer.

Sunday, April 26th, 12:00 p.m. – Develop sore throat. Decide to fight it. Take vitamins and drink mass quantities of O.J.

Tuesday, April 28th, 6:00 p.m. – Following two days at work surrounded by sick co-workers, succumb to the common cold.

Thursday, April 30th, 11:00 p.m. – 6:00 a.m. – Sleep awkwardly while trying not to breathe on my wife. At some point during the night, I cough or sneeze and hurt my back.

Friday, May 1st, 7:00 a.m. – Get out of bed like an old man. Back aching.

Friday, May 1st, 8:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. – Sit all day at my desk in my crappy chair. Back seizes up. Barely able to walk at the end of the day. Resemble Frankenstein’s Monster (assuming he wore Dockers).

Friday, May 1st, 6:20 p.m. – While laying flat on my back in the living room, discover Teletoon’s Friday evening lineup. (Teletoon is Canada’s version of The Cartoon Network, for you non-hosers.)

Friday, May 1st, 7:00 p.m. – 7:30 p.m. – Watch Batman: The Brave and the Bold, guest-starring Aquaman. Batman punches shark. Back is not sore. Everything is awesome. All is right with the world for 30 minutes.

Anyway, that is my long-winded, needlessly complex (Rube Goldbergian) way of sharing how I came to watch my first episode of Batman: The Brave and the Bold. The show is based on the simple enough premise of Batman teaming up with a different hero every week… but what makes it so special is not its premise but its execution.

Let me try to explain its awesomeness with a little equation:

Iconic, Dick Sprang-inspired character designs +

Old school, Adam West Batman sense of adventure and use of the word “chum” +

A little dose of Justice League-style respect for the DC Universe =

The little dose of cartoon happiness called Batman: The Brave and the Bold.

So, in the end, I may have a herniated disc in my back, but at least I know that every Friday from 7:00 p.m. until 7:30 p.m., I’ll feel just fine.

Friday Throwdown! Wolverine vs. Wolverines!

2009-05-01T14:07:00.010-04:00

Technically, the first day of summer isn’t until June 21st, but if you’re a fan of popcorn movies, the first day of summer is today, May 1st. While the real seasons are based on solstices and astronomical definitions, to a geek, the seasons are defined by movie releases.

Fall is marked by the slew of Oscar-worthy fare… spring and winter are dumping grounds for lower-budget romances, comedies and the occasional gem of a less mainstream genre flick… but summer is that special time when a young geek’s mind turns to explosions, heroes, villains and all manner of mechanical and fantastical imagery.

This year, the summer movie season is kicked off today’s release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. To celebrate the semi-official start of summer and Wolverine’s return to the big screen after one great film (X2), one promising start (X-Men) and one silly romp (X-Men: The Last Stand), Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to pit Wolverine against wolverines, with the winner earning the right to use the name with pride.

Let’s meet the contestants!

Wolverine (also known as Logan or James Howlett)

Wolverines (also known as Gulo gulo or G. g. luscus)

And with that, let’s get it on!

FIRST APPEARANCES:

Wolverine first appeared in the final teaser panel of The Incredible Hulk #180 (October, 1974) and made his real debut in the following issue, battling the Hulk on behalf of the Canadian government.

Records of wolverines in the Upper Midwest United States show they pre-date human settlement in the area.

Advantage: Wolverine! (Pre-dating the dawn of man is one thing, but going toe-to-toe with the Hulk your first time out puts you on a whole different level.)

ANATOMY:

Wolverine is a short, stocky Caucasian male with brown fur covering his arms and frequently-exposed chest as well as large sideburns and upturned, mustache-waxed hair. Perhaps most distinctively, Wolverine has retractable Adamantium claws. He has been known to give off the odour of beer, cigars and machismo, giving rise to the nickname “my uncle from Canada”.

Wolverines are stocky and muscular animals, with sharp claws, strong jaws and long, dense, brown fur with stripes of dull yellow along the sides. In appearance, wolverines resemble small bears with a long tails. They have been known to give off a very strong, extremely unpleasant odor, giving rise to the nickname "skunk bear".

Advantage: Wolverine! (Sideburns can make all the difference in the world, right Brandon Walsh and Dylan McKay?)

COMMUNICATIONS:

Wolverine tends to communicate through primitive grunts and short verbal outbursts often involving the use of the word “bub”. As a sign of intense aggression or self defense, Wolverine will often just rely upon the following simple sound to communicate his emotions: “snikt”.

Wolverines communicate through vocalizations and scent marking. Chemical communication is accomplished via scent marking with urine and abdominal rubbing. Although wolverines have well developed anal musk glands, musking appears to be used primarily as a fear-defense mechanism.

Advantage: Wolverine! (Well-developed anal musk glands are all well and good, but can’t compete with “bub” or “snikt”.)

FRIENDS AND ENEMIES:

Having lived since the 19th century, Wolverine has had more than his fair share of time to make friends and enemies. Despite the fact that he is often thought of as a loner, Wolverine also joins more teams and makes more guest appearances than a hyperactive sorority girl and Martha Stewart combined. Consider every hero in the Marvel Universe his friend and every villain his enemy.

Unlike their comic-book counter-part, wolverines tend to keep a pretty low profile and can often be found alone or in pairs during mating season. Wolverines have no natural predators but consider pretty much anything with a heartbeat to be their enemy or a possible source of food.

Advantage: Wolverine! (Sorry, wolverines, but being a ferocious, carnivorous little son of a bitch tends to lessen your social circle.)

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

Beyond the aforementioned claws, Wolverine also possesses an Adamantium-laced skeleton; super-human senses, strength, agility, stamina, reflexes and longevity; as well as a regenerative healing capacity that basically means the only way to kill him would be to chop off his head and FedEx it half way around the world. Finally, Wolverine has been known to break into song and dance, but only for the Oscars.

Wolverines are remarkably strong for their size and have been known to kill prey as large as moose. Armed with powerful jaws, sharp claws and thick hides, wolverines may defend kills against larger or more numerous predators and have been known to harass and attempt to intimidate wolves and cougars.

Advantage: Wolverines! (Harassing cougars can be dangerous business, as any nightclub bouncer would know.)

FINAL SCORECARD:

Wolverine: 4
Wolverines: 1

Congratulations to our hairy Canadian champion, Wolverine! Have fun kicking off the summer movie season and disappointing fan-boys everywhere, Wolvie!

Tips for a Box-Office Bonanza!

2009-04-28T14:02:00.005-04:00

If you’ve followed Pop Culture A.D.D. for long, you probably know what I think of The Wire and The Office and, in turn, actor Idris Elba. That is, they are awesome.

Normally, I wouldn’t pay much attention to a low-budget version of Fatal Attraction cast with African American actors and one crazy (albeit hot) white lady. However, when one of those actors is Elba (forever to be known as Stringer Bell), it tends to catch my eye, as was the case with the trailers for Obsessed. Here, check out the trailer for yourself.

Ok, whether or not it was your cup of tea, you have to admit it looks kind of trashy and possibly fun in an awful, so-bad-it’s-good kind of way. However, there are apocryphal (read: most likely made up) rumours that the original title of the movie was different… very different.

Despite the fact that Obsessed did pretty darn good numbers at the box office in its opening weekend, I have to say, I think this original title would have helped it tack on another $10 million.

Now, play back the trailer in your mind. Picture the photo with the face cut out… picture Ali Larter exposing herself in the car… picture the fight with Beyoncé Knowles. Now, instead of the title “Obsessed” coming up after those images, imagine the title was:

“Oh No She Didn’t”

That, my friends, is what you call crossover appeal and box-office gold.

Pop Culture A.D.D. Presents: Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

2009-04-27T16:17:00.007-04:00

Every once in a while, someone in the public eye says something so outlandish or bizarre that you just have to take a moment to stop, shake your head and exclaim “Whaaaaaaaaaaa?”

Obviously, actors, writers, directors and producers – basically, anyone who has ever worked in Hollywood for a day in their lives – offer up their astonishingly curious insights with alarming regularity. That being said, if you really want to come face to face with crazy, look no further that professional athletes.

Between the endless positive reinforcement of virtually any behavior (dog fighting excepted, of course, right Mr. Vick?), the language barriers, the ridiculous entourages, the slang, the money and the removal from normal society, athletes can be a treasure trove of the bizarre.

Without further adieu, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present the following quote:

"Well, I try not to eat the lady… I try not to eat the man! Just give me the car. I try to find the car. Worst case scenario, I eat the lady."

Once you get the inevitable “Whaaaaaaaaaaa?” out of the way, you’re mind will no doubt be reeling, incapable of recognizing the meaning in this absurd, pseudo-sexual words. Fear not, that is the normal reaction to reading quotes from athletes.

The quote in question was given in one of the three following contexts:

1st: New York Jets draft pick and quarterback Mark Sanchez, during his post-draft interview, trying to diplomatically answer questions about exploring the swingers’ lifestyle in college parking lots.

2nd: Houston Rockets forward Ron Artest, after eating Flintstones vitamins during a radio interview and being asked whether he looks to see which Flintstone he is eating.

3rd: New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, after being asked if he’d join teammate Alex Rodriguez and his rumoured girlfriend, Madonna, in a threesome if they bought him the first Rolls-Royce Ghost.

Sadly, the world of pro sports is bizarre enough that all three answers could seem plausible if you spend enough time reading athlete interviews. However, only the third context is correct and shows just how highly anticipated the new Rolls-Royce is in the sports world.

(Just kidding, of course. The proper context is second, meaning the quote comes from certified fan-puncher Ron Artest. Way to keep up that strength, Ron.)

Friday Throwdown! Michael Bay vs. The Devil

2009-04-24T15:00:00.013-04:00

Following the success of Bad Boys and The Rock, Entertainment Weekly wondered aloud if director Michael Bay was, in fact, the devil. The fact that Armageddon was in production at the time made the question a timely one. Since then, every time a mindless, special-effects extravaganza helmed by Michael Bay destroys all comers at the box office, critics wail about the death of artistry and the idiocy of the unwashed masses and invariably, somebody once again ponders Bay’s possibly satanic heritage.

Let’s be clear, Michael Bay is no auteur in the traditional sense. His wildly bombastic movies and keen commercial instincts might cause the gentile to swoon or drop their monocle into a cup of tea, but in the end, he is no devil. Before we get on with the throwdown, I’d just like to point out the five things that prove Michael Bay is most assuredly NOT the devil:

5. Scarlett Johansson in white tights (The Island)
4. The Porsche vs. Cobra chase (Bad Boys)
3. Bumblebee’s reintroduction to the Kill Bill soundtrack (Transformers)
2. Everything about The Rock (The Rock)
1. Slow-motion helicopters, sun sets and waving flags (Every Michael Bay movie)

Seriously, anyone that has given all those things to the world is more angel than devil. They might be testosterone-laden, juvenile fantasies but goddamn it, they are AWESOME testosterone-laden, juvenile fantasies. (Geek sidebar: You know what’s going to suck? Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. You know why it’s going to suck? Because Michael Bay isn’t directing it.)

Anyway, now that we know Michael Bay isn’t the devil, I think it’s high time the two met and settled things the old fashioned way. Let’s meet our contenders and let the Friday Throwdown begin!

Director / Producer Michael Bay!

Author of lies / Promoter of evil Satan!

RISE TO FAME:

Following a successful early career directing music videos and TV commercials (including the original “Got Milk?” ads), Bay teamed with the producing duo of Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson to release Bad Boys in 1995 and The Rock in 1996.

There are contradicting reports, but it’s possible the devil was once an archangel who turned against God before the creation of man, then turned up as a serpent in the Garden of Eden to tempt Adam and Eve into eating forbidden fruit.

Advantage: Michael Bay! (Sorry, Satan, you’ve really got to bring your A-game to beat a guy who unleashed The Rock upon the world.)

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS:

As a teenager, Michael Bay worked at Industrial Light & Magic in the storyboard department for films including Raiders of the Lost Ark, which he couldn’t envision succeeding.

According to Vatican exorcist Gabriele Amorth, demons can occupy a house and possess household items, especially domestic appliances that use electricity. That explains my George Foreman Grill.

Advantage: Satan! (The next time my computer crashes, at least I don’t have to blame Bill Gates.)

HIGH POINT:

Armageddon, the final battle between Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck (and logic).

Armageddon, the final battle between God and Satan.

Advantage: Michael Bay! (Sadly, Satan’s Armageddon doesn’t involve animal crackers and Liv Tyler’s belly button.)

LOW POINT:

Michael Bay was offered Van Helsing but turned down the job and opted instead to direct The Island. The end result was one absolute train wreck of a movie (Van Helsing) and one decent albeit uninspired movie (The Island). In a perfect world, Bay would have directed Van Helsing and Sommers would never direct a feature film again.

Satan has lost a fiddling contest to the Charlie Daniels Band and a guitar contest to Tenacious D.

Advantage: Satan! (Really, there’s no shame in losing a rock-off to Jack Black and The D.)

COMING ATTRACTIONS:

Michael Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is set for release on June 24th, 2009, and is no doubt going to be louder, shinier and more explosivey than the first film.

Satan is set to appear in Las Vegas every time a virgin with $1,000 in his pocket and unpaid rent at home steps off the plane at McCarran International Airport.

Advantage: Michael Bay! (Getting 20-somethings to sin is child’s play compared to making it look like Megan Fox can act.)

FINAL SCORECARD:

Michael Bay: 3
Satan: 2

Way to go, Michael Bay! Never let the naysayers get you down! Perhaps you should celebrate your little victory the way only you can: by filming a helicopter at sunset in slow motion.

Dear George Lucas: Watch your back.

2009-04-23T12:57:00.006-04:00

If you are reading this, chances are you are either a geek or know a geek well enough to have more than a passing familiarity with geekdom. If you are a geek, it could be further surmised that you consider yourself either a Star Trek geek (Trekkie) or Star Wars geek (Wookie?).

As you might have guessed, I am a bona fide, card-carrying Star Wars geek with the bed sheets, toys and Han Solo blaster to prove it. With apologies to a friend who shall remain nameless (Stephanie), I always thought the question of which science fiction franchise was better wasn’t a question at all. Star Wars was and always would be better, end of story. The Millennium Falcon was cooler than the Enterprise. Han was cooler than Kirk. Hell, even Ewoks were cooler than Tribbles.

Recently, however, things have started to change and I have to admit, it’s kind of freaking me out. It all started with the Prequel Trilogy. There were some amazing moments in each of them (most of them involving Ewan McGregor and the score by John Williams) but as much as I desperately wanted to love them and accepted that I’d outgrown their target demographic, overall, they just weren’t that good.

One of the things that helped fill the geeky void in my heart after the disappointment of the Prequel Trilogy wasn’t sci-fi and wasn’t even a movie, it was Lost. The two-hour pilot of Lost still stands as one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen on TV and I was immediately hooked and have enjoyed the ride ever since. Obviously, the reason I bring this up is because of Lost co-creator, executive producer and pilot director J.J. Abrams.

Unless you’ve been kickin’ back on the dark side of the moon, you are no doubt aware that that very same J.J. Abrams is directing the new Star Trek movie, which is set to reboot the franchise when it is unleashed on May 8th, 2009. As much as the Star Wars fan in me wants the movie to suck like Jar-Jar, the fact of the matter is Star Trek looks fucking awesome and those that have seen it are quickly running out of hyperbolic ways to describe its awesomeness.

The reviews, the trailer, the aesthetic, the cast, the pedigree… it’s enough to warm the heart of any true geek – even those frozen in carbonite. While all those things are impressive, the thing that finally wore down any remaining resistance I may have harboured was this: “fire everything!” My response? “Fuck yeah!”

It’s a very special thing for two little words to change the heart of a lifelong Star Wars fan, but there you have it. (I just hope this doesn't mean I need to buy a United Federation Starfleet tunic now.)

So watch your back, George. J.J.’s gunning for you.

Oh, comics. How do I love thee...

2009-04-22T15:48:00.015-04:00

Playwright and poet William Congreve originally wrote that “music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.” Since modern society has already taken it upon itself to rework the quote into the much simpler “music soothes the savage beast”, I figure there is no harm in further tweaking so that the phrase feels more personal to me. To wit:

Comic books hath charms to soothe a savage temper, to soften harsh realities, or turn an old man young.

What I’m trying to say is that no matter how much life changes for me personally or the world changes around me, there is something deeply comforting and relaxing about taking the time to sink into my loveseat at home and crack open a good comic book. Hell, even a bad comic book has its charms.

Obviously, the allure of a good comic book comes down to good, old-fashioned escapism. Comics can transport you back to the simpler times of a youth filled with cheap comics from drugstore spinner racks. Comics can turn a complex, grayscale world into a simple world of black and white, of good and evil. Just like the fables of fireside stories before them, comics can also guide morality and inspire hope. Perhaps most of all, comics can make you smile at the iconic, absurd awesomeness of it all.

With all that in mind, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present the Top-10 Reasons Comics Make Me Smile:

10. Ninjas, Dinosaurs, and the Impermanence of Death:

Real life is filled with rules and threats and distasteful choices and Fox News. Comic books are filled with ninjas and dinosaurs and flying cars and Hitler getting punched in the face. Best of all, unless you are Uncle Ben, you can take one for the team and die knowing you’ll be back in no time.

9. Iron Fist Has Awesome Friends:

You know who’d make lame friends? Ross and Rachel. You know who’d make awesome friends? Mother-fucking Luke Cage, Misty Knight and the Immortal Weapons of the Heavenly Cities, that’s who.

8. Matthew Murdock Never Gives Up:

People think Spider-Man / Peter Parker has it bad thanks to the death of an uncle and a girlfriend but that’s nothing compared to the never-ending trials and tribulations endured by Daredevil / Matthew Murdock. Seriously, his life is awash in dead family and friends, psychopaths, asylum-bound wives, drugs, dementia and Catholic guilt. Does he give up? Fuck no. He hits life in the face with a billy club, that’s what Matthew Murdock does.

7. The Might of Mjolnir:

Two words: “Kraka” and “Thoom”. Thanks, Walt Simonson.

6. The Artistry of Doctor Doom’s Villainy:

I don’t think it’s difficult to be a villain. Hell, robbing a bank or threatening someone’s life is probably a lot easier than doing something truly heroic. Know what isn’t easy? Being a really good villain and really selling your villainy – and nobody does it better than Doctor Doom. That guy makes chair-sitting look evil.

5. Captain America is Patriotic:

I’m not even American and I admit to getting swept up in the purity and grandeur of Captain America’s patriotism. It shouldn’t be surprising considering the guy is dressed like the frickin’ flag, but when it comes to inspiring the troops and giving evil the old right hook, nobody does it better than Cap.

4. Batman Can Beat Up Superman:

Superman is an alien / God. Batman is a really pissed-off orphan. Somehow, it is just kind of comforting every time a writer decides to figure out a new way for Batman to lay the beat down on the big ol’ boy scout. It may raise theological issues and take wish fulfillment a little far, but you can’t argue that basically punching God in the face is kind of cool.

3. Everything About Aquaman:

Green pants. Orange shirt. Blonde hair. Ability to talk to marine life. Aquaman is basically “living” proof that sometimes things are cooler than the sum of their parts. He shouldn’t really be awesome… but brother, when you see him comin’ at ya all pissed off and riding a fucking whale, that’s exactly what he is.

2. Daredevil Knows How to Make People Talk:

How many times has Daredevil gone into Josie’s Bar (or any other wretched hive of scum and villainy), busted some heads and come out with the information he needs? 50 times? 100 times? You’d think low-level street thugs would start buying a case of beer and staying home with the door locked to watch America’s Next Top Model instead of going out every night and getting their ass handed to them.

1. Batman is a Badass:

Imagine the coolest thing you’ve ever said or done. Now imagine the coolest thing someone way cooler than you has ever said or done. Now add that amount of coolness together, multiply it by 1,000, dress it up in black, give it a couple billion dollars and an awesome car and have it kick you in the face. That’s Batman and that is just one of the many reasons why comic books make me smile.

Things You Might Not Know Are Awesome But Totally Are: Freaks and Geeks

2009-04-21T14:36:00.009-04:00

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good something is, you just don’t have the time, knowledge or circumstances to appreciate it when it is new. While it lends a certain amount of geek street cred to say you were on board with something special right from the beginning, the magic of DVD and Blu-Ray means that you needn’t fret if you missed out.

For example, if you were in a coma, ship wrecked on a deserted island, in a drug-induced haze or perhaps just curled up in the fetal position without access to a TV and happened to miss either Arrested Development or The Wire, there is no reason not to rectify the situation. Seriously. Like right now.

I have no idea what I was doing with my free time when Freaks and Geeks first aired on NBC in 1999 and 2000, but I missed it. Honestly, I don’t even have an excuse. I obviously had a TV and was even watching NBC on a weekly basis thanks to the 1999 debut of The West Wing, so I have no idea what happened… maybe I just wasn’t ready for Seth Rogen’s Jew-fro yet. Who knows? Regardless, I am proud I can now mark it off of my official “to-watch” list. You’re next, Mad Men!

Anyway, now that I’ve seen it, I can join in the fairly universal praise it receives and also offer Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Top-Five Reasons Why Freaks and Geeks is Awesome:

5. The Honesty

More often than not, pop culture tends to portray only the most rigid, extreme examples of a social class. Cool characters are cool almost to a fault; geeky characters are rarely more than a one-note caricature. However, in the world of Freaks and Geeks, the characters feel more organic… the cool kids can have a bad day or make an embarrassing decision; the un-cool kids can enjoy an occasional shining moment of triumph. Having had my fair share of both freaky and geeky moments in my life, I appreciated the deft touch shown by creator Paul Feig, producer Judd Apatow and the show’s writers.

4. The Geeks

As promised by the title, the show focuses on both freaks and geeks, with the latter represented by a wonderfully charming trio of social outcasts. John Francis Daley plays Sam Weir, the coolest of the un-cool kids and younger brother of the show’s main heroine; Samm Levine plays Neil Schweiber, who was more-or-less accurately described as looking like a grandpa in the show; and Martin Starr plays Bill Haverchuck, the bespectacled and gangly geek with a peanut allergy. As best friends dealing with that awkward stage between Star Wars and the fairer sex (which, for some of us, never completely goes away), the geeks are spot on.

3. The Parents

I’m trying to think a funnier set of parents than Harold and Jean Weir, as played by Joe Flaherty of SCTV fame and Becky Ann Baker. Harold and Jean are equal parts protective and permissive, realizing they are lucky to have such bright, (mostly) well-adjusted children but lamenting the growing chasm between parent and child. More than anything, the Weir parents are just downright hilarious in their own awkward yet natural way. Suck it, Cindy and Jim Walsh.

2. The Music

Without question, the music is an integral, amazing part of the show and you’d have to be a Nickelback fan not to appreciate it. From Rush to The Who to the fact that the opening credits are set to Bad Reputation by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, the music sets the tone for just how awesome and authentic the show is. Sadly, the music is also what makes it hard to find the DVDs in your local Wal-Mart bargain bin. Rather than neuter the show by cutting out the music, Apatow and Co. decided to bite the bullet and pay the royalty fees for the DVD release. The good news? The music is fucking awesome. The bad news? It doesn’t come cheap.

1. The Freaks

Not since the star factories of Welcome Back, Kotter and ER pumped out John Travolta and George Clooney has a TV show spawned such a wealth of big-name talent. Like older, sex-drug-and-rock-and-roll-obsessed versions of the three geeks, the three freaks are portrayed by Seth Rogen, James Franco and Jason Segal. Basically, if you enjoyed the interplay between Rogen and Franco in Pineapple Express or Segal’s character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, you’ll dig Freaks and Geeks. To top it all off, as geek-turned-freak Lindsay Weir, actress Linda Cardellini offers a charming glimpse into both worlds.

Sadly, Freaks and Geeks was a brilliant show that never found the audience it deserved. Considering it took me a goddamn decade to track it down and watch it, I can’t help but take some of the blame for its demise. Sorry, everyone. As punishment, I’ll make myself watch an episode of Two and a Half Men or Big Bang Theory.

What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love… and an Aston Martin with Machine Guns.

2009-04-20T16:28:00.009-04:00

On the list of geeky dream jobs, designing high-tech gadgets and weapons for a spy agency likely ranks just below actually being a spy and just above being a Imperial Stromtrooper. Seriously, when you watched James Bond movies as a kid, you either wanted to be Bond or you wanted to be Q, Bond’s sharp-tongued, easily-exasperated-yet-kindly gadget guru. While you can’t be James Bond or a Stormtrooper (without being mocked, anyway), thanks to the British Security Service, you just might be able to be Q.

According to the BBC, the UK’s domestic intelligence agency, better known as MI5, is looking for a “Q” of its own to appoint as Chief Scientific Advisor. The successful applicant will help MI5 harness developments in science and technology that will combat terrorism and support field officers in counter-intelligence activities. Best of all, your business cards gets to read “Chief Scientific Advisor, MI5”… if you can’t get laid with that, you might as well give it up.

While I am but a lowly writer and lack the “world-class scientific expertise” necessary to fill the position at MI5, I’m not depressed about it. I’m just happy to know I live in a world where at least some of the best and brightest scientific minds will be focused on creating awesome new ways to piss off bad guys.

To help MI5’s new Chief Scientific Advisor start his or her new career off right, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our Top-10 Inventions That the World Needs Now… like right fucking now:

10. Transparisteel: Transparent steel is a mainstay in the world of science fiction. While it’s all well and good to use it to make starship windows and whale tanks, we need to get working on it for use in more practical applications – like, you know, things that don’t involve wookies or an aging Captain Kirk.

9. Rocket Packs: This one is obviously long overdue. Admittedly, rocket packs do exist and have for quite some time now, but not in a way befitting a discreet, world-class spy. We need something a little more Iron Man and a little less Arrested Development.

8. Watches with Laser Beams: Evil geniuses might need sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, but spies need fancy watches with laser beams to get them out of the situation where they might meet said shark in the first place. Also, if the laser happens to be built into a nice OMEGA Seamaster, there’s no harm in everything looking good too.

7. Cell-Based Big Brother Technology: Civil liberties and rights to privacy are all well and good but to be perfectly honest, I’d put up with having my cell phone used as part of a giant eavesdropping network if it meant we could track down international terrorists a bit easier. Perhaps we can hire Morgan Freeman to run the system, since he’d make everyone feel better about the whole situation.

6. X-Ray Specs: Thermal imaging and night vision are a good start, but when it comes right down to it how are we going to find douche bags hiding in caves or cheat at poker or baccarat against an egomaniacal villain without proper x-ray specs?

5. Cloaking Device: I think we can all agree that a cloaking device just makes sense for a spy, right? Whether by land, sea or air, arriving unannounced and undetected is pretty much the goal. Apparently, the Pentagon is already working on a Harry Potter-esque invisibility cloak, so why don’t we just go ahead and get MI5 to throw in a few bucks and perfect the technology.

4. A Working Firewall: As nerdy as it seems, information is power and if we can’t protect our computer files from unscrupulous types, then there’s no point in inventing awesome stuff or having spies in the first place. And no, it seems doubtful Microsoft will be a sub-contractor on this little job.

3. The Swiss Army Tuxedo / Suit: Fact: Sometimes, a spy needs to rock a nice suit. Fact: While rocking said suit, lord knows what dangers or predicaments might present themselves. If we can put a man on the moon, we can make a Kevlar-reinforced, Wi-Fi-enabled, GPS-equipped, HAZMAT-ready battle-tested tuxedo / suit.

2. Mechanical Alligator Disguises: If Octopussy taught us anything (apart from how to secretly switch a real Faberge egg with a fake one), it’s that the only way to secretly infiltrate a feminist military stronghold is with a mechanical alligator disguise. I have to believe that scenario will only become more and more prevalent in the future.

1. A Badass Ride: Batman has the Batmobile. James Bond has had a wealth of stunning Aston Martins and an iconic Lotus Esprit. Hell, Tony Stark even has an Audi R8 that I’m sure packs some decent tech. Make it silent, make it deadly, make it unbelievably fast, make it the scourge of terrorists and ne’er-do-wells… just make it.

Friday Throwdown! Barack Obama vs. Guardian!

2009-04-17T11:04:00.016-04:00

I have to admit I’ve been feeling both patriotic as a Canadian and a little jealous of the rock star status of U.S. President Barack Obama lately. As a nation, Canada is the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas. Canada is socially and geographically diverse yet tightly knit; bound together physically by railways and highways and spiritually by health care, hockey, humour (spelt with a “u”, no less) and whatever the opposite of hubris is.

Despite all we have as Canadians, the one thing we do not have is an iconic leader. We certainly have in the past but right now, this is our Prime Minister:

I was considering pitting Canadian Prime Minister (and kitten lover) Steven Harper against U.S. President (and badass) Barack Obama in this week’s Friday Throwdown but what’s the point? Obama’s too busy firing General Motors executives and ordering Navy Seals to kill pirates to bother fighting so far below his weight class. Obviously, Obama needs a worthy adversary from north of the 49th parallel.

So, with that in mind, let’s get to it and introduce this week’s combatants for Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Friday Throwdown!

Guardian!

Barack Obama!

Seriously, who did you think was going to represent Canada going toe-to-toe with Obama? Keanu Reeves? (Admittedly, that would be funny, but still.)

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get it on!

REAL NAME:

Guardian’s real name is James MacDonald Hudson, which may well be the most hilarious, overly Canadian name ever created. Stat with James, then add the last name of Canada’s first prime Minister, then finish it off with the name of the company (Hudson’s Bay Company) that helped with the founding of the frickin’ country. It would be like naming an American naming his son James Lincoln Cowboy.

Barack Obama’s real name is Barack Hussein Obama II. Unlike Fox “News”, I don’t bring up his full name to create imaginary ties to anything un-American. I honestly don’t know how those guys sleep at night… right, Steven Stalin Hitler Harper II? Anyway, I just bring up his full name to point out it is nowhere near as cool as James MacDonald Hudson.

Advantage: Guardian. (Way to go, James Hockey Puck Timbit Socialized Medicine MacDonald Hudson!)

VOCATIONAL HISTORY:

While working for the American-Canadian Petro-Chemical Company in Canada, Hudson designed an armored suit for the purposes of geological exploration. After realizing his boss wanted to sell the suit to the military, Hudson left the company and took the suit, the designs and his boss’ secretary with him. Inspired by the Fantastic Four, Hudson helped create Canada’s first superhero team, Alpha Flight!

After graduating from Columbia University and Harvard Law School, Obama worked as a civil rights attorney in Chicago and taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School. Obama served in the Illinois State Senate and then the U.S. Senate before becoming the U.S. President. Presumably, Obama accomplished all of this so he’d have the authority to kill pirates.

Advantage: Guardian. (Sorry, Obama. Being leader of the free world is all well and good, but quitting your job, taking the hot-librarian-looking secretary with you and then starting Alpha Flight makes you a gent and a G.)

FRIENDS & TEAMMATES:

Guardian formed Alpha Flight, which initially consisted of an amphibious Newfoundlander (Marrina), a gay speedster and his multiple personality disorder sister (Northstar and Aurora), a hairy dwarf (Puck), a First Nations medicine man (Shaman), an Inuit demi-goddess (Snowbird), a brilliant sasquatch (Sasquatch) and Guardian’s secretary-turned-wife-turned-super-heroine Heather MacNeil Hudson.

Obama has his cabinet, including an ice queen and former political adversary (Hilary Clinton) and a man incapable of internal monologue (Joe Biden); his family, including an adorable new member / Portuguese water dog (Bo-Bama); as well as legions of would-be friends, well-wishers and admirers from around the globe.

Advantage: Guardian. (You did see “brilliant sasquatch” and “hairy dwarf” among Guardian’s friends, right? That one was over before it started, no matter how cute the Obama puppy is.)

OUTFIT OF CHOICE:

Guardian likes to rock a high-tech battlesuit of his own design. Utilizing the earth’s electromagnetic field, the suit grants Guardian superhuman strength as well as the ability to fly, shoot concussion blasts and shield himself from danger. Oh yeah, it also looks like the mother-fucking Canadian flag.

Obama likes to rock designer suits designed by Hart Schaffner Marx. Utilizing merino wool and cashmere, the suit grants Obama the ability to look cool while addressing the nation or meeting with foreign leaders.

Advantage: Guardian. (I did mention his suit is basically a flying Canadian flag, right?)

MOST RECENT APPEARANCE:

The last time Guardian was seen, he was dead as Julius Caesar, collapsed in the snow following an unseen battle with… actually, forget it. It’s not even worth talking about. Stupid Brian Michael Bendis.

The last time Obama was seen, he was being honest and forthright about the state of the U.S. economy and was also outlining his plan for the development of world-class, 200 mph super-trains in California.

Advantage: Obama. (Well played, Obama. Well played.)

FINAL SCORECARD:

Guardian: 4
Obama: 1

Don’t feel bad, Mr. President. The past may belong to Guardian but the future belongs to you.

The Beatles: Rock Band (aka why I will soon be broke)

2009-04-16T12:49:00.008-04:00

At long last, Harmonix, music-based video-game developer extraordinaire, is starting to release details about the upcoming The Beatles: Rock Band. In case you’ve been in a Sunny von Bülow-type coma for nearly five decades, here’s the “For Dummies” version of why that is exciting:

The Beatles are four guys from Liverpool, England, who revolutionized pop music and the fainting threshold of teeny boppers from 1960 to 1970.

Rock Band is a four-instrument, music-based video game from Harmonix that revolutioned just how inept amatuer drummers could be from 2007 to present.

As for the actual details of The Beatles: Rock Band that have been released, Harmonix is still holding back on the good stuff – like the track list or even number of tracks. However, that’s not to say Harmonix didn’t leak some interesting details:

1. The release date is 09/09/09.

I’m not sure of the significance of the number, but I have to assume it is because the number of the devil is 666 so something as obviously awesome as The Beatles: Rock Band would have to be a bigger / opposite number.

2. The special edition is $249.99!?

We’re talking $249.99 U.S. funds. Not Canadian funds. Not pesos or fucking rubles, but U.S. funds. Admittedly, the limited edition “premium bundle” includes the game, a Höfner bass inspired by the one McCartney used, Ludwig-branded drums (with classic pearl finish and replica Beatle kick-drum head) as well as a mic and stand. Still. Ouch. I’ve only got so many organs and body fluids to sell, Harmonix.

3. “The Beatles: Rock Band will allow fans to… experience The Beatles’ extraordinary catalogue of music… that takes players on a journey through the legacy and evolution of the band’s legendary career.” – MTV press release

Hmmm… what’s the phrase I’m looking for here? Oh yeah, I remember now: Fuck yeah! That part of the press release makes it seem as though there will be something of a narrative or timeline to enjoy. If we get to start off playing at The Cavern Club and make our way to The Ed Sullivan Show and beyond, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. (Let’s just hope Yoko and Mark David Chapman are nowhere to be seen.)

Damn Dirty Hippies

2009-04-16T10:40:00.003-04:00

Pirates vs. U.S. Navy: Not a fair fight... but still awesome!

2009-04-15T15:23:00.010-04:00

As you may have heard, pirates are back in the news these days. Oddly, the pirates in question are not metrosexual, Keith Richards-based box-office pirates but actual living, breathing, thieving pirates of the sea.

Based out of Somalia, these specific pirates recently found themselves taking centre stage after a run-in with Capt. Richard Phillips, the crew of the Maersk Alabama merchant ship and… here’s the kicker… mother-fuckin’ US Navy Seals.

Here’s the 30-second version of what happened:

Wednesday, April 8th: Four Somali pirates use grappling hooks to board the Alabama. Capt. Phillips surrenders himself to keep his crew safe and is taken to a lifeboat by the pirates.

Thursday, April 9th: The USS Bainbridge, an honest-to-goodness US Navy destroyer, is on the way. The crew of the Alabama – coached by FBI agents – attempts to negotiate with the pirates.

Friday, April 10th: Capt. Phillips makes a break for it and jumps into the ocean to try to swim to the USS Bainbridge. One of the pirates fires an automatic weapon, forcing Phillips to return to the lifeboat. The USS Halyburton (which carries helicopters) and the USS Boxer (which can fucking launch missiles) show up.

Saturday, April 11th: U.S. President Barack Obama authorizes the use of military force to rescue Capt. Phillips.

Sunday, April 12th: One of the pirates surrenders but negotiations with the remaining three pirates are not going well. Capt. Phillips was tied up and had a gun aimed at him. On the deck of the USS Bainbridge about 25 to 30 metres away from the lifeboat, three Navy snipers – that had secretly parachuted in – each fired a single bullet, killing the three remaining pirates and freeing Capt. Phillips.

Ok, so that’s what happened.

First off… Fuck yeah! I mean, come on, that is fucking awesome! Let’s be clear here. I’m a liberal Canadian with a pretty disdainful view of U.S. foreign policy. If someone were to call me a socialist or a peacenik, I wouldn’t argue – as long as they didn’t call me a damn dirty hippie. That being said, three Navy sharpshooters parachuted in, took their position on a boat in open water, accounted for the movement of both boats, then simultaneously took three successful shots from about a hundred feet away. That is badass no matter what country you call home.

Obviously, I am not the only one who thinks this whole US-Navy-Seals-vs-Somali-Pirates thing is pretty wild. According to NPR, cable network Spike TV just has announced a deal to produce – with the cooperation of the U.S. Navy – a show about U.S. Navy pirate hunters.

If there is a God, the cast from 1990’s Navy Seals will reunite to host the show because the only thing cooler that a show about pirate hunters is a show about pirate hunters hosted by Charlie Sheen in ‘90s wannabe badass mode. The only thing I can’t decide is the title. Pirate Hunters? Navy Seals: Pirate Hunters? When Pirates Explode? Either way, it’s sure to be the feel good hit of the season for Americans tired of wars they can’t win. (Note to the producers at Spike TV: You’re welcome.)

Suck it, Italian Renaissance.

2009-04-14T14:01:00.009-04:00

Obviously, I am a geek. That much should be abundantly clear by now. That being said, I also have a decent education and marginally impressive knowledge of the world outside of pop culture and geek-dom. 30 Rock-style “backdoor bragging” aside, the whole point of sharing this was to admit that as much as I feel I should, I just can’t get as excited about high-brow culture as I can about pop culture.

I first experienced this phenomenon as a child. Toronto has some wonderful art galleries as well as the pretty damn awesome Royal Ontario Museum and even my hometown has a nice little modern art gallery. However, the first time I really felt gobsmacked by seeing original works of art was on a family vacation to California after we stumbled across an art gallery showcasing Batman artwork, much of it by Batman creator Bob Kane.

I’m not sure if it was amazing to me because I could understand the fluidity and gracefulness and starkness of it all in a context (Batman being a total badass) that was familiar to me… or if it was just amazing because nobody in a Monet painting ever punched someone in the face. Anyway, to this day, that art gallery showing remains one of the coolest things I have ever seen.

In the last week or so, a few things have come up which got me to thinking of that Batman art and how thrilling it was. First, there was a news item from the BBC that a James Bond museum is opening up in England. To be honest, I’m surprised it took this long for that to happen. The museum has the tank from GoldenEye, the gun from The Man with the Golden Gun and – best of all – the Lotus Esprit Turbo / submarine from The Spy Who Loved Me. If you think that car didn’t blow my young mind the first time I saw that movie, you’re crazy.

The second reason I’ve been reminiscing about the awesomeness of original Batman art is the fact that my wife and I are planning a trip to Belgium, the Netherlands and Germany. We’ll have the opportunity to see some absolutely breath-taking artwork and architecture. I know that while we are in Bruges (where I’ll be hard pressed not to pull Colin Farrell’s whole “one gay beer for me gay friend and one normal beer for me… cause I’m normal” routine from In Bruges), we’ll have the chance to see the only Michelangelo sculpture (Madonna and Child) to ever leave Italy.

Potential Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jokes aside; it will be great to see something created by one of the masters of the Italian Renaissance. Despite being surrounded by opportunities to immerse myself in that area of Europe’s history and culture, I have to admit I’m even more excited about three things:

1. The beer.

Seriously, Michelangelo has nothing on some of Belgium’s Trappist monks when it comes to creating works of staggering genius.

2. The Belgian Centre for Comic Strip Art.

You know who are mental about comic strips? The Belgians. Seriously, Tintin and Snowy are national treasures… like Wayne Gretzky and The Stanley Cup to Canadians or Barack Obama and “these colors don’t run” bumper stickers to Americans.

3. The Nurburgring, specifically, the Nordschleife (North Loop).

The Nurburgring is one of the most demanding race tracks in the world. Over the years, it has become the stuff of legend and has bested, intimidated and even killed some of the best drivers in the world. Oh yeah, it’s also nicknamed “The Green Hell”.

So in the end, I guess it just comes down to the fact that I can see beauty in a painting or sculpture or medieval church… but I can see even more beauty in a brilliant beer, ground-breaking comic or demonic race track. Sorry, Michelangelo.

Happy Easter, you cartoon-loving heathens!

2009-04-13T11:12:00.007-04:00

Just like J.C. himself, Pop Culture A.D.D. is back in action after a short Easter break.

Now that I’ve already committed just a tiny bit of sacrilege, it’s probably a good time to talk a bit about a bit of religious-themed awesomeness that recently popped up on the pop culture radar down in San Diego. I wasn’t going to bother talking about it just in case the topic or my thoughts on it were deemed offensive but, you know, the Lord hates a coward, so what the hell.

The religious-themed awesomeness in question is an oil painting by Dallas artist and California Lutheran University graduate Glen Tarnowski and is currently on display in a Chuck Jones Gallery in sunny San Diego. Chuck Jones, you may recall, is the late, legendary Warner Bros. artist / cartoonist / director / demigod responsible for some of the very best Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies episodes in existence.

Since a picture is worth a thousand words and I’ve got other things to do than type a thousand words describing a painting, here is Tarnowski’s The Gathering, resplendent in its oil-painted glory:

Just for the hell of it, here’s the inspiration behind it, Leonardo da Vinci’s The Last Supper:

Speaking to the San Diego Union-Tribune, Chuck Jones Gallery national sales director Mike Dicken had this to say after the gallery started receiving 10 to 12 complaints a day by phone as well as a few anonymous letters expressing concern: “We never intended to offend anyone. Most people think it is fun and amusing, but five per cent are pulling their hair out.”

Now that you’re up to speed, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our Top-5 Mostly Heresy-Free Random Thoughts on The Gathering:

1. What the hell is The Grinch doing there? Why in God’s name does he still have his Santa outfit on when everybody else at the table is on robes? Seriously, it’s freaking me out.

2. According to the Union-Tribune, Tarnowski defended his Bugs & Co. as Jesus & Co. homage by saying that, “God loves people so much that even if we were all cartoon characters, he would have come to us, perhaps in the form of Bugs Bunny.” Go smoke a joint and think about that little concept for a while if you want your mind blown.

3. In The Last Supper, Judas is the third person to the left of Jesus. In The Gathering, the character who takes the place of Judas is none other than that hunter of wascally pwahphets, Elmer Fudd. Instead of saying “One of you shall betray me”, maybe Bugs said “One of you shall be attracted to me when I cross-dress”.

4. The Chuck Jones Gallery receives 10 to 12 complaints a day about this thing? Good Lord. Did San Diego run out of gay and lesbian couples, stem-cell researchers and sexual imagery on TV? How come these people have so much time on their hands?

5. The Road Runner gets to take the place of John the Apostle or Mary Magdalene, depending on whether you believe Leonardo da Vinci (one of the most diversely talented, brilliant people to have ever walked the earth) or The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown (that guy who writes cheesey thrillers).

Obama Chia: Funny, Insensitive, Awesome or All of the Above?

2009-04-09T14:13:00.008-04:00

Without a doubt, some people will think the new Obama Chia is funny; some people will think it is racially or culturally insensitive; and some people will think it is awesome.

As a Canadian, I admit to being a little bit jealous of it too. It’s not like I can walk into my local Real Canadian Superstore (not a made-up name) and buy a Chia Pet resembling Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper. Then again, his hockey-helmet hairdo doesn’t exactly conjure images of lush chia sprouts. Oh well, maybe someday they’ll make a Harper Chia with little stringy white alfalfa sprouts I can comb into a Harper helmet.

In the meantime, please know that the Chia Obama is available in both “happy” and “determined” (pictures) versions and that, my friends, is awesome.

Dead is Dead

2009-04-09T08:31:00.004-04:00

Dead is Dead (Prologue)

2009-04-08T15:19:00.006-04:00

Even Geeks Have to Eat

2009-04-08T10:51:00.012-04:00

While Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons may live on nachos and “cheeze” and wheelbarrows full of quickly congealing burritos, not all geeks share his gastronomical tendencies. In fact, it is possible – nay, preferable – to be both a geek and a foodie. After all, settling in to watch Lost or The Dark Knight is even more fulfilling after a nice meal and a glass (or bottle) of wine.

Without question, the King of the Geek Foodies (Foodie Geeks?) is none other than Alton Brown, creator and host of Good Eats on The Food Network. He has also authored several books and crisscrossed America on a motorcycle for his Feasting on Asphalt miniseries – yet still finds the time to offer expert commentary and intentionally lame puns on Iron Chef America. He’s basically the closest thing to Batman the cooking world has.

Thanks to the wonderfulness of the internet and Google Image searches, you don’t have to take our word for it that Alton Brown is King of the Geek Foodies, you can see it for yourself:

Alton Brown himself, or, more specifically, as The Waffler…

… and, to erase any last doubts you may have about his awesomeness, his KitchenAid mixer.

Anyway, now that we’ve attempted to establish that being a geek and being a foodie don’t have to be mutually exclusive, let’s move on to the actual point of this post, which is how awesome the upcoming Top Chef Masters series is going to be.

For the uninitiated, Top Chef is a Bravo reality show (shown on The Food Network in Canada, eh!) pitting up-and-coming chefs with actual cooking skills against each other in culinary battle. The contestants are judged by a panel including head judge Tom Colicchio, chef/owner of Craft Restaurant in New York, and host Padma Lakshmi, author, spokesperson and object of affection for every straight guy and lesbian girl who has even been on the show.

So yeah, the show is awesome – the Foo Fighters even think so, so you can’t argue – the contestants actually know how to cook, the host is ridiculously beautiful and if that’s not enough, it can be funny (Top Scallop) too. When it comes right down to it, it is one of the best shows on TV – and now they are about to unleash Top Chef Masters on the world.

Basically, Top Chef Masters replaces the up-and-coming chefs with a whole whack of established chefs and our familiar judges with a new panel. While we’ll no doubt miss Padma, here are Pop Culture A.D.D.’s top-five reasons why Top Chef Masters will still be awesome:

5. This guy is going to be one of the judges.

Apparently, thanks to Simon Cowell, it has been decided that every judge’s panel needs a comically-douchey douche bag. One guess who that will be on Top Chef Masters.

4. Lost writers / producers Carleton Cuse and Damon Lindelof are making a guest appearance.

Please God, let the chefs have to create dishes inspired by Lost. If someone makes Smoke Monster salmon, I’m going to lose my mind.

3. N.P.H. is the house.

Neil Patrick Harris has also been announced as a guest star. It’s good to know that TV producers are starting to learn the new math: YOUR SHOW + N.P.H. = YOUR SHOW BUT BETTER.

2. Chef John Besh is one of the contestants.

Beyond being executive chef and co-owner of the August restaurant in New Orleans, Besh was also a contestant on The Next Iron Chef, which was coincidentally hosted by none other than Alton Brown. Besh is basically a cooler version of Harry Connick Jr. and brother, that shit ain’t easy to pull off.

1. Zooey Deschanel.

If you’ve seen the movie Elf starring Will Ferrell, you understand; if you haven’t, you don’t. Is “chardorable” (charming + adorable) a word? If it’s not, it will be someday because of Deschanel.

Time is on my side: Console Wars Edition Part II

2009-04-07T11:02:00.010-04:00

In yesterday's post, after a brief rant about how supposedly hectic modern life is, we started looking at Pop Culture A.D.D.'s Top-11 Game-Playin’, Time-Wastin’, Thumb-Bustin’ Consoles of All-Time. After a short break to, you know, eat, sleep and work, we're back and ready to count down the final five.

5: Nintendo Wii

Being a video game geek isn’t always easy. The sore thumbs, the ghostly white complexion, the empty bank account, the theme song from Tetris constantly playing in your head… it can be quite a burden to deal with on your own. That’s why it’s exciting when someone decides to share in that part of your geekiness. The Wii is one of those rare, family-friendly consoles that my wife actually wanted more than I did – although it didn’t take much convincing to get me on board. Apart from the Wii Fit balance board mocking me, the Wii has been great and I’ve grown to love it in all its so-cute-I-want-to-barf glory.

Killer app: The Wii Fit has honestly helped me get in marginally better shape, which is cool. That being said, I’m no athlete and I don’t earn a living thanks to my physical prowess or lack thereof. I use my mind grapes to bring home the bacon, which is why Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree is my app of choice.

Era of my life wasted: Early 30s (present). As much as the Wii is in fact a gaming console from the same company that wasted so many hours of my life in the past, I’ve got to say, it has helped more than hindered. It’s like a frickin’ Bizarro world.

4: Atari 400

Ah, childhood. It was a simple time of 8-bit computers, dot matrix printers, tape drives, floppy discs, BASIC programming, and wanting to murder my older brother after he’d beat me at Match Racer or Claim Jumper. Seriously, for such a simple system, it had some seriously bad-ass games that could turn brothers or the best of friends against each other. I still remember it all so well (and still hate my brother so much because of it). Thanks, Atari!

Killer app: Pac-Man. Ms. Pac-Man. Frogger. Q-Bert. The Atari game catalogue is a veritable who’s who of ass-kicking games. However, there was still one game to rule them… and that game was Joust. Joust had it all and when I say all I mean knights, ostriches, pterodactyls and lava.

Era of my life wasted: Toddler through single-digits – or, as I like to think of them, the Atari years. Even after all this time, I still think lame BASIC programming jokes (10 Sin 20 Goto Hell) are funny.

3: Sony Playstation 3 / PS3

Oh, Playstation 3, why are you so awesome? Is it your wireless controllers? Is it your Bluetooth remote that doesn’t have to point at you? Is it your Blu-Ray player? Is it because you are the very best kind of PS3 and can play all my PS2 games? Is it because you are pretty? Is it because your downloadable content is awesome? Is it because Rock Band 2 is the shit? Is it because someday soon I’ll be playing God of War III on you? The great thing is, my love affair with my PS3 is still in its honeymoon phase. Assuming I’m not in jail for committing some kind of perverse sexual act with my PS3, it might even end up higher on this list someday.

Killer app: I was looking through the dictionary and stumbled across this entry: geekgasm \ ‘gēk-ga-zem \ intense or paroxysmal excitement as experienced by a longtime fan of the Ratchet & Clank franchise the first time they play Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction on the PS3. So yeah, you could say I liked it just fine.

Era of my life wasted: Early 30s (present); also known as the High-Definition Era. I’ve got to say, I’m enjoying HD and the power of the PS3, whether it’s as a game console or Blu-Ray player. That being said, digital characters in video games definitely have it easier than real actors on Blu-Rays. No amount of make-up or Vaseline on the lens can hide the fact that movie stars are human like the rest of us. Remind me to pass on watching Rodney Dangerfield, Edward James Olmos or pornography on Blu-Ray. As for the PS3 itself, Ferris Bueller said it best: “If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.”

2: Sony Playstation 2

As wonderful as the PS3 is, the PS2 accomplished the same goal (of being a kick-ass multimedia powerhouse) for nearly a decade – and is still enjoying strong sales. Before my PS2 finally gave up the ghost, it had acted as my DVD player and introduced me to some of the best video games (Ratchet & Clank 1-3, God of War I & II, Gran Turismo 3 & 4) I’ve ever played. If they ever do get around to creating the mythical PS9 and it is the pinnacle of all things, it will have you to thank for helping it get there, PS2.

Killer app: I just don’t think I can do it. It would be like a father openly admitting which kid he liked best. The Ratchet & Clank franchise was the most fun. The God of War franchise was the most jaw-dropping, cinematic and bad-ass. The Gran Turismo franchise was the most addictive.

Era of my life wasted: Mid-20s to early 30s. In a very real way, the PS2 had a direct impact on my life – and not just contributing to the arthritis I will no doubt have in my thumbs some day. Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec was released in 2001 and made me fall in love with the Subaru Impreza WRX STi, just like everyone else who played the game. However, unlike everyone else, I managed to actually get a job writing for Subaru a few years later, which was really the start of my career as I know it now. Thanks for helping me pay the bills, PS2!

1: Sega Genesis

Here we are at the top of Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Top-11 Game-Playin’, Time-Wastin’, Thumb-Bustin’ Consoles of All-Time and frankly, it couldn’t have ended any other way. 1989 was a pretty memorable year. The Berlin Wall came down; pro-democracy protestors clashed with Chinese security forces in Tiananmen Square; and George Bush Sr. became President of the United States just so he could someday vomit on the Japanese Prime Minister. However, I was 13, so my world view was pretty limited and all I cared about was my new Sega Genesis. It was beautiful. It was exciting. It probably pushed back my social development by at least a year or two.

Killer app: Altered Beast, Golden Axe and Shinobi were all pretty bad-ass but in the end, the Genesis was really just the needle to inject NHL video games and feed my addiction. Originally just called NHL Hockey and then NHLPA Hockey 93 in its second year, the series fell into its familiar naming convention starting with NHL 94, to be followed by NHL 95 and so on. The day each new cartridge was released might as well have been a school holiday. There were tournaments; there was joy, there were tears; there was the 1993 Chicago Blackhawks lineup of Jeremy Roenick, Steve Larmer, Michel Goulet, Chris Chelios, Steve Smith and Ed Belfour; there was that memorable cameo in Swingers. It was magic.

Era of my life wasted: Early-to-late teens; sporadically throughout my early 20s; a short time in my late 20s; no doubt sometime in the not-too-distant future. Quite simply, nothing in this world makes the beer go down quite as well as NHL hockey on the Genesis does. Playing NHL hockey in the basement of my best friend’s Mom’s house wasn’t so much about video games as it was a testament to mind over matter and the ability of a Canadian teenager to eat Taco Bell, drink at least half a case of beer and still be able to deke the goalie and score on a breakaway, which will be forever known as “a 93”.

Final Thought:

After thinking back through my life as a gamer, I realized that Nintendos were like friends, the Atari was my first crush, the Genesis was my first love, and the Playstations were the girl I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Sorry, Xbox, there's just no room for damn dirty whores in my life.

Time is on my side: Console Wars Edition

2009-04-06T12:50:00.018-04:00

Everybody talks about how hectic modern life is and how short for time they are. Actually, I take that back. I don’t think “everybody” talks about that at all. I think advertising agencies and multinational corporations just want us to feel that way so we’ll all buy crappy microwave dinners and robots to vacuum the floors. (Geek sidebar: I like vacuuming and don’t have any interest in a Roomba… the Scooba, on the other hand, would be a welcome addition to the family. Stupid washing the floor.)

What I do think, however, is that modern life has spoiled us with its awesomeness, leaving us wishing we had more time to enjoy every aspect of its splendor. There simply isn’t enough time in the day to enjoy your iPod, watch Lost in HD, do your weigh-in and be scolded by your Wii Fit, surf the net, throw in a couple of Blu-Rays, and fire up your favourite video game console. Let’s face it: we aren’t really a stressed-out society with no time to breathe. We are coddled and spoiled by technology and it isn’t a bad thing. It is awesome and you should be proud to live in this time and age. Suck it, Bronze Age.

All of this is just a long-winded way of getting to my main point of the day, which is that I love video games and have spent more than my fair share of time proving that in my life. My parents, God bless ‘em, helped start this little love affair when they bought our very first computer, the too-cool-for-school Atari 400. Since that wonderful Christmas day well over two decades ago, I’ve dumped the equivalent of the gross domestic product of a third-world country into an avalanche of video game consoles… but which one was best? That’s exactly what we’re here to find out.

Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our Top-11 Game-Playin’, Time-Wastin’, Thumb-Bustin’ Consoles of All-Time:

Honourable Mention: Sega Dreamcast.

Purchased on a whim long after they were new and fashionable, the Dreamcast was notable for having a keyboard, a MASSIVE controller that was about as cumbersome as a Hummer in downtown Paris, and online connectivity. Sadly, it is also notable for my almost never having played it and total inability to remember what games I owned for it. Sorry, Dreamcast, you’re no Genesis.

11: Super Nintendo Entertainment System / SNES

After waiting a couple of years for the price of the SNES to come down, I eventually picked one up used and it had the distinction of being the first video game console I actually had in my bedroom to enjoy in peace. I believe they refer to those days as halcyon days.

Killer app: Super Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. The Super Star Wars series was the sole reason I bought a Super Nintendo. Not surprisingly, it was super.

Era of my life wasted: Late teens. In fact, I was working part-time at Electronics Boutique / EB Games at the time, which would account for my being able to afford the system and Star Wars games in the first place. I also had a high-maintenance girlfriend at the time, which is why I didn’t keep the system too long. In essence, I traded my SNES for heavy petting. Thanks, SNES.

10: Atari ST

The Atari ST was my family’s logical follow-up purchase to our much-beloved Atari 400. Admittedly, neither the Atari 400 nor Atari ST are technically video game consoles… but I’m not technically a professional video game writer, so you’re just going to have to deal with it. The ST was memorable for having a Windows-like operating system and a peripheral modem. The internet didn’t exist at the time, but you could dial directly into someone else’s computer via BBS (Bulletin Board System) to download pirated games and porn. It was just like modern times, except much, much slower.

Killer app: Nebulus / Tower Toppler. You looked like Q-Bert, but you owned a submarine and climbed rotating towers to… umm… topple them. It was much more rad than you might imagine.

Era of my life wasted: Pre-teens to early teens. Ew. I kind of just grossed myself thinking about the whole porn thing at that age. Boys will be boys, I suppose.

9: Nintendo Gamecube

It kind of breaks my heart to see the Gamecube so low on this list, as it really was a pretty great system. It offered a nice mix of traditional Nintendo games with Mario & Co. and more adult-oriented games like Tiger Woods golf, which was awesome, and Resident Evil, which quite literally scared me into not playing it anymore.

Killer app: Super Monkey Ball. You’re a monkey. In a ball. Sometimes, the best ideas are the simplest ones. (And sometimes the monkey would have to open the ball in two and use it as a hang glider, which was frickin’ awesome.)

Era of my life wasted: Mid-to-late 20s. My now-wife and I were “living in sin” at the time, sharing a little townhouse together. The day we first found that townhouse together still stands among the happiest days of my life. To top it all off, she still married me despite knowing full well I played Super Monkey Ball on a daily basis.

8: Nintendo Entertainment System / NES

As you are about to discover, my allegiances don’t exactly lie with Nintendo. Just as some people like Coke and some people have actual working taste buds, I was always more of an Atari / Sega / Sony man myself. That being said, the NES had its charms, not least of which was…

Killer app: Super Mario Bros. Seriously, if you can hear the theme music from that game and not smile, you are a soulless bastard.

Era of my life wasted: Pre-double-digits to pre-teens. I had a friend at the time that was a hardcore Nintendo fan. He subscribed to the Nintendo magazine (Nintendo Power?), had the Nintendo Power Glove and the gold-plated Zelda cartridge. I guess that was the first time in my life I realized there was being a geek and being a GEEK.

7: Sony Playstation

After years of the console wars being fought between Sega and Nintendo, Sony changed everything when they released the first Playstation, which sadly was the beginning of the end for Sega as a console maker. The original Playstation is notable for its controller, which introduced the world to the awesomeness of the triangle-circle-ex-square button layout, which is still used by Sony to this day.

Killer app: Earthworm Jim was pretty cool and Siphon Filter was bad-ass for being the first game I ever played to require stealth and shooting people in the head from a distance, but when it comes right down to it, nothing tops Crash Bandicoot. Why? Because it was a bandicoot who rode polar bears and shockingly cute tigers, that’s why.

Era of my life wasted: Late-teens to early 20s. My faithful Playstation joined me on my trip to college. My first college buddy and I used to skip afternoon class, get 12 cans each of Old Milwaukee and have epic video baseball marathons. My time in college with the original Playstation introduced me to Gran Turismo and the fact that Dodge Vipers are fucking evil.

6: Nintendo 64

To me, at least, the Nintendo 64 was the Kurt Cobain-following-Neil-Young’s-it’s-better-to-burn-out-than-it-is-to-fade-advice award for being awesome, albeit briefly. I got my Nintendo 64 late in its product lifecycle and even though I think one of its games is among my all-time favourites, it pulled a Keyser Söze… and like that *poof* it was gone.

Killer app: With all due respect to Mario Golf, the Mario Party franchise, and even Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64 was the fuckin’ BOMB and still stands proudly alongside my all-time favourite games.

Era of my life wasted: Early 20s. It was during that shining-but-brief period in the post-Playstation, pre-Gamecube era of my life as a video game geek. I won’t forget you, Kurt Cobain / Keyser Söze / Nintendo 64.

Tune in tomorrow for the top-five! Same bat-time, same bat-channel!

You know who just doesn't give an eff?

2009-04-05T18:37:00.004-04:00

Namor. That's who.

For a neck-snappin', name-callin', bad-guy-smiting good time with Marvel most ornery ruler of the sea, check out Captain America #48, written by Ed Brubaker with art by Butch Guice, Luke Ross and Steve Epting.

Things That Are Awesome: The Star Wars Edition

2009-04-04T11:54:00.005-04:00

As you may have been able to guess from Pop Culture A.D.D.'s top-25 movie characters post, I love Star Wars -- despite the fact that there hasn't been a really good Star Wars movie in 29 frickin' years (26 years if you love Ewoks).

Like a woman who keeps going back to her adulterous, slap-happy spouse and hoping this time will be different, I will always love Star Wars, no matter how poorly the franchise treats me. Even after everything that has happened (Here’s to you, Natalie Portman / Padme dying of a broken heart.) and the thousands of dollars George Lucas has extracted from me and my family over the years, I still love Star Wars.

Maybe it’s because my Star Wars pillow case used to make me feel cool; maybe it’s because the original, black Han Solo blaster was one of the most bad-ass toys ever; maybe it’s because the Christmas my brother and I got the Millennium Falcon was the best Christmas ever. Really, it’s about more than just good memories. It comes down to the fact that the whole Star Wars experience was shared by an entire generation, which perhaps inevitably led to this:

Created as an April Fool’s Day joke by the wonderful bastards at ThinkGeek.com, the tauntaun sleeping bag may well be the pinnacle of human achievement. Sure, the internet and the internal combustion engine and the Concord are all well and good, but they are no tauntaun sleeping bag, that’s for sure.

So thank you, ThinkGeek.com and all the Star Wars fans out there who pulled together and decided that their life wouldn’t be complete without one of these beautiful April-Fool’s-Day-gag-turned-geek-dream-come-true sleeping bags to call their own.

Friday Throwdown! Stringer Bell vs. Michael Scott!

2009-04-03T09:19:00.010-04:00

As a kid, I found it confusing when an actor I recognized showed up in something new. The obvious example is the mind-fuck of having Han Solo show up wearing a fedora and carrying a whip. As much as I grew to love Indiana Jones, when that first, iconic reveal of Harrison Ford’s face played, six-year-old me was expecting to see Chewbacca next.

Thankfully, 32-year-old me gets slightly less confused and sometimes even enjoys it when an actor crosses over from one thing I love to another. Case in point: actor Idris Elba, who is best known for playing the awesomely awesome Russell “Stringer” Bell on HBO’s awesomely awesome The Wire. (He’s also known in my house as the man my wife would leave me for given the chance, but that’s neither here nor there.) Recently, Elba started showing up on another of my favourite shows, the American version of The Office, and I’ve got to say, like a cheeseburger on a hangover day, I’m lovin’ it.

All of this is a long-winded way of getting to this week’s throwdown. If you want to see Idris Elba as paper company executive Charles Miner going head-to-head with paper company regional manager Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), all you have to do is watch The Office. However, to see Stringer Bell and Michael Scott in a groin-grabbingly awesome throwdown, you need Pop Culture A.D.D.

Let’s meet this week’s challengers:

The Wire’s Russell “Stringer” Bell!

The Office’s Michael Scott!

*Ding ding ding* Let's get it on!

Career Path:

Stringer Bell grew up in the Baltimore projects alongside best friend Avon Barksdale and enforcer-to-be Wee-Bey Brice. After establishing himself in the drug trade, Bell turned mostly legit and got into real estate development, political bribery, buying nice suits and occasionally planning the murder of Avon’s family members. You know, all the typical work-a-day stuff.

After an embarrassing stint in children’s television during his youth, Michael Scott worked his way up through the ranks of the Dunder Mifflin paper company, from successful salesman to regional manager of the Scranton Branch. A friend first, a boss second and possibly an entertainer third, Scott’s time at Dunder Mifflin recently came to an abrupt end, when he left the company to start the aptly-named Michael Scott Paper Company.

Advantage: Michael Scott. (Sorry, Stringer, maybe you needed to buy a “World’s Best Drug Dealer” mug to better make your case.)

Extracurricular Interests:

Stringer Bell: Getting straight As at the Baltimore City Community College; building an impressive home library; looking over the top of his glasses; makin’ copies; forming co-ops with other drug dealers; complying with Robert’s Rules of Order; being cold as ice.

Michael Scott: Cooking his foot on a George Foreman grill; rapping; partying at Scranton parties that don’t stop; writing “very sexual” parodies of Tears in Heaven; eating at Chili’s; playing hockey; pulling guns during improve class; penning awesome screenplays; wearing flattering jeans; pointing out what she said.

Advantage: Stringer Bell. (Come on, he makes even community college classes seem bad-ass.)

Love Life:

While D’Angelo Barksdale was in the hoosegow, Stringer Bell swooped in all suave and tall and started dating Barksdale’s girlfriend and baby mama, Donette.

Michael Scott has a habit of dating or wanting to date any attractive woman he comes in contact with, from his real estate agent to his boss to a dead woman in an office supply catalogue to a concierge in Winnipeg to a stranger at a blood drive. However, the true love of his life is no doubt former Scranton branch Human Resources representative Holly, whose Yoda impression is just as bad as Michael’s.

Advantage: Michael Scott. (Seriously, Stringer. Donette? Damn. That’s cold, even for you.)

Friends, Enemies and Acquaintances:

Apart from the aforementioned Barksdales and Wee-Bay, Stringer Bell had a pretty eclectic group of people to call his friends, enemies and acquaintances. Calvin “Cheese” Wagstaff (as played by frickin’ Method Man), Slim Charles, Preston “Bodie” Broadus, Proposition Joe Stewart, and Malik “Poot” Carr all count as friends. Omar Little, Marlo Stanfield, and Brother Mouzone all count as enemies. Sadly, Stringer was a pretty business-before-pleasure type of guy and didn’t really have any true friends… at least not friends that weren’t trying to kill him.

Like Stringer Bell, Michael Scott’s social circle is lousy with co-workers and business relations. While he considers Jim Halpert to be his best friend, the sentiment isn’t exactly shared. In the end, his friends and acquaintances don’t really matter; all that matters is his mortal enemy: Toby Flenderson. Michael’s unadulterated hatred of Toby is a thing of pure beauty and their relationship belongs in the TV Enemies Hall of Fame alongside Sam Malone & Gary of Gary’s Old Towne Tavern and Maggie & The Uni-brow Baby.

Advantage: Stringer Bell. (As awesome as Michael vs. Toby is, you can’t put a price on hanging out with guys named Cheese, Slim and Poot.)

Last Appearance:

Trapped inside one of his own real estate developments by the shotgun-carrying, Robin Hood-esque, homosexual bad-ass Omar Little and the bow-tie-wearing, Harper’s-reading, Islamic bad-ass Brother Mouzone, Stringer Bell goes down in a hail of bullets that would make Bonnie & Clyde proud.

In a scene right out of Jerry Maguire (assuming Jerry Maguire was funny, which it mostly certainly was not), Michael Scott leaves Dunder Mifflin to start his own company, taking only loyal receptionist-turned-salesperson Pam Beesly with him.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqbxZG6FMeI)

Advantage: Stringer Bell. (Sweet merciful crap. Seriously, just watch the clip below. That is some Grade-A-level awesomeness right there.)

Final Scorecard
Stringer Bell: 3
Michael Scott: 2

It was a close battle and Michael Scott did Dunder Mifflin proud but in the end, Stringer Bell came out on top. Don’t feel too bad though, Michael, Stringer had to die to do it.

Rest in peace, Stringer. Like The Snorks, Platinum Blonde and the original BK Burger Buddies, you were too beautiful for this world.

Random Things You Maybe Didn’t Know Were Awesome But Totally Are

2009-04-02T13:10:00.016-04:00

The world of pop culture is an expansive one. No matter how hardcore the geek, it’s always possible to miss out on something truly awesome. There just isn’t enough time in the day to watch every TV show, catch every movie, read every comic book, click every link or enjoy every book. As a public service, we will periodically do our best to keep you up-to-date on awesome things you may have missed out on.

With that in mind, we’re proud to present Pop Culture A.D.D.’s first installment of Random Things You Maybe Didn’t Know Were Awesome But Totally Are:

Better Off Ted (TV)

Admittedly, it might be a bit early to judge just how good Better Off Ted really is, as it’s only three episodes in to what will be a long, slightly successful run. Smart, zany and tempered with charm, Better Off Ted hits some of the same notes as shows like 30 Rock and Andy Richter Controls the Universe. Sadly, the latter got axed, so who knows what the future holds for Better Off Ted. Thanks for ruining TV, Survivor and Two and a Half Men.

Hasbro’s Marvel Super Hero Squad (Toys)

Fact: Geeks like to collect geeky things. Fact: There’s only so much room on your desk. Fact: Two-inch-tall Marvel super heroes are awesome. Fact: Apparently, even Iron Man (who wears a full helmet) and Ghost Rider (who doesn’t have lips) can smile.

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay: A Novel (Books)

While most comic book fans have probably already read or at least heard of Michael Chabon’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel from 2000, some other geeks may have missed it. No matter what part of the geek world you call home, Chabon’s tale of wonder, heartache and heartbreak during the comic industry’s Golden Age is worth the read. (Warning: It is so well written and Chabon’s command of the English language is so magnificent, it will make you feel stupid. Really stupid. Like you just watched Weekend at Bernie’s three-times-in-a-row stupid.)

New Episodes of The Simpsons (TV)

I know it’s cool for the geek literati to mock The Simpsons these days, claiming nothing funny or clever or worthwhile has happened to Homer & Co. since Season Eight. However, that simply isn’t the case. For example, you need only check out last week’s episode for this little (possibly paraphrased) gem of an exchange:

Store clerk: “The last time I checked, pirates weren’t gay.”
Homer: “Eww. How did you check?”

The Wire (DVD)

http://periscopestudio.com/category/steve-lieber/

You may have read that The Wire was awesome. You may have heard that The Wire is awesome. You may be sick and tired of people talking about how awesome it is. However, until every last person in North America has witnessed the glory of The Wire first-hand, don’t expect to stop having it recommended to you. It may take up 60 hours of your life to plough through all five seasons, but it is worth every second. (Warning: You might not understand what the fuck half the characters are saying at first, but stick with it and you’ll be rewarded with a The Godfather-meets-Shakespeare-meets-Oz-meets-Boyz N the Hood level of awesomeness.)

Banana Sunday (Comics)

Fans of Marvel comics might recognize Banana Sunday artist Colleen Coover’s work from back-up features in kid-friendly Marvel titles like Power Pack or X-Men First Class. Fans of ultra-cute lesbian “girly porno” might recognize her work from Small Favors. Anything she draws is sure to bring a smile to your face, but to really crank up the amperage on your smile, check out her four-issue Banana Sunday series with writer Root Nibot. It’s about monkeys… smart, love-sick, narcoleptic monkeys.

Arrested Development: The Movie (Movies)

Just the thought of being able to spend time with Michael, George Michael, Lucille, George Sr., Buster, Gob, Lindsay, Tobias, Maeby, Oscar, Barry, Bob, Lucille 2, Carl, Ann, J. Walter, Ron Howard and Franklin has me downright giddy. This movie simply can’t start rolling soon enough. If you missed the TV show, the DVDs can be had on the cheap and are simply lousy with awesomeness.

Top Gear (TV)

Even if you aren’t necessarily into cars, you owe it to yourself to track down a few episodes of Top Gear. Although technically a car show, Top Gear is equal parts travelogue, comedy, celebrity showcase and Jackass-style shenanigans. Co-hosts Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May could host any show in the world and make it enjoyable – and that’s before you factor in the unadulterated awesomeness that is The Stig.

Planet Earth (Blu-Ray)

The real planet earth is awesome but can be a pretty expensive and dangerous place – especially when you want to see how amazing snow leopards are. Thankfully, BBC’s Planet Earth on Blu-Ray can be had for $60 or so, enjoyed from the comfort and safety on your own home and might even be more beautiful than the real thing.

Secret Invasion: Thor #1 – 3 (Comics)

Marvel’s attempt at resurrecting Alpha Flight as Omega Flight with Beta Ray Bill on the roster was disastrous. Seriously, it made me want to cry – although nothing could make me cry as much as the new Guardian cried in that series. Jesus, Guardian, man up. However, Secret Invasion: Thor was just as awesome as Omega Flight was lame. How awesome, you ask? Thor-and-Beta-Ray-Bill-dropping-Asgard-on-a-villain’s-head awesome, that’s how awesome.

Thursday Morning Lost Quick Thought: Episode 511

2009-04-02T08:51:00.003-04:00

Last night’s episode of Lost was good overall, not great but good. However, one aspect of the show was great and that was Hurley and Miles sitting around talking about time travel. Seriously, those guys need their own show where all they do is sit on 1970s furniture and debate everything from time travel to the existence of God to who would win a race between The Flash and Superman. Hurley’s wide-eyed innocence and childish-yet-rock-solid logic versus Miles’ scientific knowledge and intellect just makes me giggle.

Best line of the episode? Juliet needs to talk to Jack alone and kicks Hurley and Miles out of the house like they are a couple of rambunctious kids. On their way out of the house, Miles happily demands:

“Ask me some more questions about time travel.”

And that, my friends, is awesome.

When Pop Culture Worlds Collide: Jacob! Lost! Dexter!

2009-04-01T10:45:00.007-04:00

Before we even get started, let’s just get this out of the way:

As much as we gave Entertainment Weekly and their lame “20 All-Time Coolest Heroes in Pop Culture” list a hard time in yesterday’s post, we have to hand it to them; they can still break the occasional ultra-cool story. Case in point: In Michael Ausiello’s aptly-named column, The Ausiello Files, the author spilled the (unconfirmed) beans on some pretty intriguing Lost casting news. (So, we take you back, Entertainment Weekly. You had us at “Entertainment”.)
Specifically, the wife-beating Paul from Dexter is going to be the shack-haunting Jacob from Lost. Even more specifically, actor Mark Pellegrino, who is perhaps best known in pop culture circles as Paul Bennett, the now-deceased ex-husband of on-again-off-again Dexter love interest Rita Bennett, is going to be playing Jacob in a flashback during the Lost season finale.

For fans of Lost, any news concerning the show is big news, especially as we count down to the show’s final, sure-to-rock-our-socks-off season. However, given the mysterious nature of the Jacob character, this news is like a 9-volt battery to the tongue of any true Lost fan.

To celebrate the unknown awesomeness that lies ahead, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present the Top-Five Reasons Why Mark Pellegrino’s Casting is Awesome:

5. Lost = Awesome. Dexter = Awesome. Lost + Dexter = Awesome².

It’s the new math. (If only the writers of Lost could bring in Dexter’s Debra Morgan (Jennifer Carpenter) to start dropping f-bombs when things get crazy. It would add a touch of welcome realism to have her say “What the fuck, Ben?” when things go south for the castaways.

4. It’s coming. It’s coming. It’s coming. It’s coming. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

That is a fairly direct quote – right down to the girly squeal of delight – of what my brain says whenever I think of how quickly this year’s season finale and the entire final season of Lost is approaching. (So. Many. Questions. To. Answer.) The latest casting news just makes it all the more real.

3. Pellegrino can play unhinged and play it well.

You know what there is not enough of on Lost? Crazy people. Personally, I don’t think you hire Mark Pellegrino if you’re going to write Jacob as a totally stable, well-reasoned type of cat. This bodes well for potential all-crazy showdowns in the future (or past, or some kind of weird present where the past and future collide).

2. Daniel Faraday needs a Moby Dick to his Captain Ahab.

Obviously, this is purely speculative… but there is way more to Faraday than his Beatles mop-top and aw-shucks demeanor would imply, right? Well, beyond the crazy things we already know, that is. It seems most characters on Lost have a good foil or counter-point. Jack (science) has Locke (faith). Ben (douche-baggery) has Charles Widmore (rampant douche-baggery). It just makes sense that Faraday has a formidable foe to tangle with.

1. Jacob is a bad-ass. More bad-assery on Lost is a good thing.

Here are a few things we may-or-may-not potentially, possibly know about Jacob:

· He is / was /may become the leader of The Others.
· He orders / ordered / may order Ben Linus around.
· He can / did / may scare John Locke.
· He likes / liked / may like to hang around dead people.
· He lives /lived /may someday live in the shrieking shack.

Now, answer truthfully: Do you or do you not want to know more about that guy?

Who’s cooler than Harry Potter? A LOT of people.

2009-03-31T09:48:00.014-04:00

Obviously ignorant of the fact that the internet is the domain of lazy writers relying far too heavily on lists, Entertainment Weekly (EW) magazine recently put out a list of their own. They called it the “20 All-Time Coolest Heroes in Pop Culture” and it’s pretty sad that trees needed to die for this list to be born. At least online lists just kill brain cells (and sometimes hope).

Any form of “best of” or “all-time greatest” list is kind of like a first-year college co-ed lifting up her top and screaming out the words to Nine Inch Nail’s Closer before vomiting down the front of her baby T and passing out on the dance floor. Both the lists and the drunkards are morally-reprehensible, amateurish cries for help and attention – and yet, when it’s all over, you can’t help but talk about them.

To save you the time it takes to Google EW’s vomit-caked, panties-down-around-the-knees list, here it is:

1. James Bond
2. Indiana Jones
3. Superman
4. Harry Potter
5. Ellen Ripley
6. John McClane
7. Han Solo
8. Buffy The Vampire Slayer
9. Robin Hood
10. Spider-Man
11. Mad Max
12. James T. Kirk
13. Foxy Brown
14. Will Kane
15. Dirty Harry
16. Jack Bauer
17. Nancy Drew
18. Batman
19. Atticus Finch
20. Sydney Bristow

Admittedly, there are some good or even great choices on the list. That being said, there are also quite a few what-the-fuck-were-they-thinking selections. (Here’s to you, numbers 3, 4, 8, 10, 17, and 20.)

Anyway, as a card-carrying geek (Seriously, you should see the card. It is AWESOME.) armed with a blog, it is my duty to a) mock EW’s list, and b) make my own list that is superior in every way.

You suck EW! I find your list to be sub-par in many ways! I deride your list-making abilities.

Ok then, now that the mocking is out of the way, we are proud to present:

Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Top-25 Coolest Movie Characters That We Can Think Of and That You Should Totally Feel Free to Disagree With.

First off, let’s establish the guidelines for the Top-25 CMCTWCTOATYSTFFTDW: (Why is it that acronyms are always so cumbersome?)

1. Batman can’t be included. What’s the point of doing a list when the winner is a foregone conclusion? Seriously, even the kiddie, DC Super Friends version of that guy is cool beyond compare. Check it:

2. Pacifists need not apply. Sorry, The Dude from The Big Lebowski. We love you, but you’re not on the list.

3. We’re focusing on the modern age. Being born into the tail end of Generation X, I have no appreciation for anything that happened before my birth. I am also a slacker who doesn’t like being marketed to and feels an undeserving sense of entitlement. Sorry, Steve McQueen, John Wayne and James Dean.

4. Movie characters only. Once you open the Pandora’s Box of characters from novels, television, comic books and cereal boxes, things just get out of hand. Isn’t that right, Nancy Drew? (The exception is when the movies are more culturally significant than the books, as in the case of the James Bond movie franchise versus the Ian Fleming novels or J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings versus Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings. Bond is in. Aragorn is out.)

5. Iron Man / Tony Stark is disqualified. The only reason Iron Man is cool is because Robert Downey Jr. is cool. The same basic concept applies to Sonny Chiba and the characters he has played.

Now that the details are out of the way and we can all agree Batman would own this list if he were allowed to participate, let’s begin.

25. Frank Martin (Jason Statham in The Transporter)

Memorable for: Piloting Audis and BMWs like Wile E. Coyote pilots ACME rockets, but with better results; inventing the “greased pig” genre of brawling.

24. Dwight (Clive Owen in Sin City)

Memorable for: Shoving Benecio Del Toro’s head in a toilet; jumping off ledges with only Converse All-Stars to cushion his fall; being friends with Deadly Little Miho.

23. John Shaft (Richard Roundtree in Shaft)

Memorable for: Being a sex machine to all the chicks; risking his neck for his brother man; being a bad mother; having people shut their mouth – unless they are talkin’ about him.

22. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone in First Blood)

Memorable for: Not drawing first blood; ability to eat things that would make a billy goat puke.

21. Jules Winfield (Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction)

Memorable for: Having an awesome wallet; being enamored with both domestic and foreign hamburgers; philosophizing; bringing biblical fury.

20. Tony Montana (Al Pacino in Scarface)

Memorable for: Saying hello to his little friend; sneering; creating the Italio-Cuban dialect; first getting the money, then getting the power, then getting the women (then getting gunned down).

19. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead II)

Memorable for: Pulling off the whole chainsaw-instead-of-a-right-hand thing long before everybody was doing it.

18. James Tiberius Kirk (William Shatner in the original six (!) Star Trek movies)

Memorable for: Looking like Mr. Belvedere by the time Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country came out; smoldering glances; defeating the Kobayashi Maru test; Khaaaaaaaaaan!

17. Westley & Inigo Montoya (Cary Elwes & Mandy Patinkin in The Princess Bride)

Memorable for: Besting the three terrors of the fire swamp; saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” and MEANING it.

16. Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer in Tombstone)

Memorable for: Making a bitch of Johnny Ringo; being your huckleberry; being a fan of Frederic-fuckin’-Chopin.

15. John McClane (Bruce Willis in Die Hard)

Memorable for: Making mortal enemies of Euro-douches; knowing more about ventilation shafts than the building superintendent; throwing the word “fuck” into otherwise quaint terms.

14. Léon (Jean Reno in Léon / The Professional)

Memorable for: Hanging out with Natalie Portman before everyone else in the world wanted to, which is even cooler than hanging out with Robert DeNiro in Ronin.

13. T-800 / The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger in T2: Judgment Day)

Memorable for: Putting up with Edward Furlong’s shriek pleas; chilling out, dickwad; not understanding why puny humans cry.

12. Wendell “Bud” White (Russell Crowe in L.A. Confidential)

Memorable for: Breaking the back off wooden chairs; gun-barrel dentistry; REALLY being against violence towards women.

11. The Bride (Uma Thurman in Kill Bill: Vol. 1 & Vol. 2)

Memorable for: Bruce Lee homage; having the worst wedding rehearsal ever; putting up with Quentin Tarantino’s foot fetish; knowing the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

10. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon in the Bourne trilogy)

Memorable for: Regaining his memory; wanting to know what Blackbriar is; wanting people to leave him alone; mourning Franka Potente; teaching The Professor a lesson; running on the beach.

9. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Russell Crowe in Gladiator)

Memorable for: Motivational speaking; working the crowd; wanting to slap Joaquin Phoenix around long before David Letterman did; making me want to name my first-born Maximus.

8. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford in the Indy quadrilogy)

Memorable for: The whip & fedora; seeing that there is nothing that he can possess that Belloq cannot take away; siring greasers; getting fresh with the director’s future wife; hating snakes and dangerous figs.

7. Jimmy Malone (Sean Connery in The Untouchables)

Memorable for: Mocking wops; bringing a gun to a knife fight; teaching people that “the Chicago way” is to send other people to the morgue; asking what you’re prepared to do; sounding cool; being a G who is mucked with, pal.

6. Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction)

Memorable for: Solving problems; driving real fuckin’ fast; knowing that time is a factor; hesitating to start sucking each other’s dicks.

5. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver in Aliens)

Memorable for: Battling aliens that mostly come out at night… mostly; changing her mind about how cool synthetic people can be; looking better in tighty-whiteys than anyone else on this list; getting alien queens away from Newt, you bitch.

4. The Man With No Name (Clint Eastwood in Sergio Leone’s trilogy)

Memorable for: Squinting; smoking; being the inspiration for a veritable cornucopia of bad-ass characters, including Mad Max (which is why he's not on the list), Roland Deschain, Boba-Fuckin’-Fett and Marty McFly in Back to the Future III.

3. Han Solo (Harrison Ford in Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI)

Memorable for: Shooting first.

2. James Bond (Daniel Craig in Casino Royale; Sean Connery in Goldfinger)

Memorable for: Being very good at his job; learning that killing bad guys gets easier… considerably easier; having itchy balls; being expected to die; calling Pussy Galore by name without giggling; catching Goldfinger cheating at golf AND cards; for being Bond, James Bond.

1. Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew in Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI)

Memorable for: Being a fucking bear with a fucking laser-crossbow who can pilot the mother-fucking Millennium Falcon.

Seriously, what did you think it was going to take to be at the top of this list? Congrats, Chewie.

(And again, EW, seriously… Harry Potter? Nancy Drew? You guys weren’t even trying.)

The Canadian Grammys: Useless and Stupid or Stupid and Useless?

2009-03-30T09:59:00.009-04:00

Unless you happen to be an actual Canadian or have some sort of strange fetish for other country’s award shows, you might not know that Canada has its own version of the Grammys called the Junos. Like the Grammy Awards, the Juno Awards are handed out once a year with great fanfare, despite the fact that nobody who actually likes music cares.

Seeing as how this is the internet, I could be lying about the unimportance of the Junos. They could be awesome and I could just be some Canadian-music-hating crank who thinks the pinnacle of Canuck rock began and ended with Rush. Thankfully, I have proof the Junos, like the Grammys, are lame.

Exhibit A:

Obviously, there is no need for an Exhibit B. (And by the way, props to the Canadian banking system. Keep reachin’ for the stars, guys!)

So you know, that is the front page of my local newspaper here in good ol’ London, Ontario – and fucking Nickelback is part of the goddamn masthead today. Not only did those ass-hats get front-page coverage, the front page of the entertainment section was awash in similar douchey goodness.

(So we are clear, good bands start their names with “the”. THE Beatles. THE White Stripes. THE Hives. THE Strokes. THE Killers. THE Tragically Hip. THE J. Geils Band. Umm… that last one might just be me. Anyway, the one thing good bands do NOT start their name with is “nickel”. That’s a fact.)

Sun Media writer Darryl Sterdan explained that Nickelback, “dominated the two-hour show virtually from beginning to end, opening the broadcast with a pyro-filled performance of Something in Your Mouth from Dark Horse — the best-selling Canadian album of 2008 — and taking home the final trophy of the night for Album of the Year.”

First off, thank fucking God my wife and I were watching The Simpsons and Amazing Race, as actually witnessing 120 minutes dominated by Nickelback might have sent me off on a murderous rampage, which is very un-Canadian. Secondly, here are some of the lyrics from Something in Your Mouth:

I love the way you dance with anybody
(The way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb

You're so much cooler when you never pull it out
'Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth

Crafty little lip tricks, tattoos on her left hip
She's bending as you're spending, there's no end to it, so baby come on!

Sadly, the words just don’t do it justice. It is so much better with crappy guitar work and a kick drum emphasizing just how cute she looks *BOOM, BOOM* with something in her mouth.

So, rather than celebrating actual songsmiths, musicians or artists, the Junos did the exact opposite. I hope you enjoy your Junos when you’re burning in Hell, Nickelback.

The Top-Five Reasons Why Marvel Should Cancel Iron Fist

2009-03-29T10:16:00.012-04:00

In Marvel's June Previews, this was the initial solicitation for The Immortal Iron Fist #27:

IMMORTAL IRON FIST #27
Written by DUANE SWIERCZYNSKI
Penciled by TRAVEL FOREMAN
Cover by KAARE ANDREWS
70th Anniversary Variant Cover by MARKO DJURDJEVIC

Danny Rand is the Immortal Iron Fist. He has thwarted Hydra assassins...foiled a vicious plot to destroy his mystical city of K’un-Lun...fought in an interdimensional kung fu tournament...escaped the unstoppable beast that killed all other Iron Fists before him...and survived a trip into Hell itself. But will he make it through the fall of the House of Rand? Don’t miss this landmark FINAL ISSUE of the critically acclaimed, fan-beloved IMMORTAL IRON FIST.40 PGS./Rated T+ ...$3.99

The first thing I'd like to point out is the price. While many of Marvel's titles have made the leap from $2.99 to $3.99 while remaining at 32 pages, at least this issue of Iron Fist is a hefty 40 pages. Here's how Marvel's pricing strategy breaks down:

$2.99 for 32 pages = High-fivin', longbox-fillin' good times.
$3.99 for 40 pages = Special feelin', cherry-on-top good times.
$3.99 for 32 pages = Pull-list droppin', baby-Jesus-cryin' bad times.

The math really is pretty simple.

Marvel's Machiavellian Money-Making Machinations™ aside, the real (metaphorical) kick to the groin was the possibility of Marvel pulling the plug on our beloved Iron Fist. However, things may not be as bleak as first feared. Since the solicitations were first posted, Marvel has since removed the reference to it being a final issue and both current writer Duane Swierczynski and former scribe (and geek God) Ed Brubaker popped up online to say it was just a typo / misunderstanding.

Chances are, it was just a little trick pulled by Marvel EIC Joe Quesada to help boost sales and increase the book's profile. Obviously, at least the second half of his possible plan worked, as here I am, writing about his company's June solicitations instead of doing something productive like playing Rock Band 2 or having a contented nap after reading Walt Simonson's Thor.

However, if it wasn't a publicity stunt and The Immortal Iron Fist is headed for pop culture heaven along with Air Wolf, Duck Tales and C-3PO cereal, it is indeed a sad day. That being said, there are a handful of reasons why the cancellation of Iron Fist could be a good thing...

Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present the top-five reasons why Marvel should cancel Iron Fist:

5. To relauch a new Power Man & Iron Fist title... because seriously, in these times of economic turmoil and uncertainly, the world just needs it.

4. To hand that book or any other book or the entire damn Marvel portfolio back to Ed Brubaker and let him decide on the direction of the book. Brubaker is leaving Daredevil, which will put an end to one of the best eras the book has ever seen. Between his work in the Marvel Universe on D.D. and Captain America and his work on Criminal and Incognito for Icon, I think Brubaker has earned the chance to take control of Marvel for a while. If he wants to write Iron Fist, let him. If he wants to get Matt Fraction, Dan Slott, Jeff Parker, Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente together in a room and re-write the entire Marvel Universe, I'm fine with that too. Sorry, Brian Michael Bendis, your time is up.

3. To relauch the title as Iron Fist & The Immortal Weapons. Seriously, those guys kick unholy amounts of ass. Start with Iron Fist. Add Bride of Nine Spiders, Dog Brother #1, Fat Cobra, Prince of Orphans, and Tiger's Beautiful Daughter. The result? The best super-team since old-school Alpha Flight.

2. To put the book on hiatus just long enough to get Brubaker, Fraction and Swierczynski together to hammer out a script for Iron Fist: The Seven Capital Cities of Heaven -- the movie. If there is a God, He or She would no doubt appreciate humankind creating something so wonderful and beautiful.

1. Because Marvel doesn't like making money, fans, or awesome things.

Counting down the best three things about Duplicity...

2009-03-28T17:09:00.008-04:00

3. Julia Roberts only did the Julia Roberts is-it-charming-or-is-it-disturbing-that-she-can-unhinge-her-jaw-to-laugh-like-that laugh once. She didn't fall down or stumble at all. While that might not be a good thing to those who would like nothing more than to see her remake My Best Friend's Wedding for the rest of her life, it suited us at Pop Culture A.D.D. just fine.

2. The ending came as a genuine surprise. Leading into the final act, there were five or six plausible endings I could see happening. After I discounted the endings I subconsciously yearned for -- involving monkey butlers, monkey hobos, ghost pirates, pirate ghosts and Colin Ferrell making an appearance to bonk a midget over the head, ala In Bruges -- I figured I had the possible endings narrowed down to two. Thankfully, I was proven the fool and the ending was unexpected. Sadly, there wasn't a monkey, hobo, ghost, pirate or Irishman to be seen.

1. The trailer for Public Enemies. Duplicity was a good-but-not-great movie. Clive Owen was Clive Owen. It was novel to see espionage based in the world of saving the world from baldness, as opposed to saving the world from mutually-assured destruction. That being said, the best thing about the movie was seeing the trailer for Public Enemies. Christian Bale? Johnny Depp? Michael Mann? Feds vs. old-school gangsters? Sign. Me. The. Fuck. Up.

Friday Throwdown! Bumblebee vs. 2010 Camaro!

2009-03-27T12:18:00.021-04:00

Nearly two years ago, 24’s Jack Bauer narrowly edged out Lost’s Jack Shephard in Pop Culture A.D.D.’s last installment of Friday Throwdown. Unfortunately, young Dr. Shephard didn’t take the news very well.

However, since nearly random fictional characters from different realms of the world of pop culture aren’t going to fight each other on their own, Friday Throwdown is back! Thankfully, the convenience of the internet makes getting back up and running as easy as remembering a few passwords and finding renewed inspiration… none of that awkward strapping illegal VHF transmitters to your Mom’s Jeep ala Christian Slater in Pump Up The Volume for me.

In the coming months, you’re going to be hearing a lot about three things:

1) The economy. (Won’t somebody think of the children!?)
2) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
3) The 2010 Chevrolet Camaro.

Since I’m not an economist – my only investments are in comic books, home electronics, Belgian beer, and pumpkin futures – let’s keep the focus on the things I do know about. Specifically, let’s focus on my favourite Autobot, Bumblebee, and his disguise, the 2010 Chevrolet Camaro, a car I shamefully admit to pining for despite my lack of mullets and RATT: Out of the Cellar CDs. (Geek Sidebar: Just so we’re clear, Bumblebee qualifies as my favourite Autobot because Dinobots aren’t technically Autobots.)

Before we ring the bell, let’s introduce our (quite literally) heavyweights:

The Autobot’s Bumblebee!

The 2010 Chevrolet Camaro!

In pitting a fictional robot based on a line of Japanese-turned-Hasbro toys against an actual car most well known for providing teenagers with a place to lose their virginities, Pop Culture A.D.D. declares this the geekiest Throwdown yet! Let’s get it on!

Birthplaces:

Bumblebee hails from Cybertron and was given life by the Allspark.

The 2010 Chevrolet Camaro hails from G.M.’s Oshawa Car Assembly manufacturing plant in Ontario, Canada and was given life by the fightin’ men and women of the Canadian Auto Workers (CAW), Local 222.

Advantage: Camaro. (*Fist-bump for my fellow Ontarians*)

First Appearances:

Bumblebee raced his way into your humble author’s heart via three-pronged attack in 1984. Seriously, Hasbro pulled some Machiavellian shit to ensure I spent every spare cent of my allowance and whatever money I could get my parents to spend on Bumblebee and the Transformers. There was the line of toys. There was the comic book. There was the cartoon (which, when combined with G.I. Joe, made the best hour of television mankind has ever known). I had no chance.

Released on September 29th, 1966, for the 1967 model year, the first Chevrolet Camaro was designed as a competitor for the Ford Mustang and fanned the flames of the Chevrolet-Ford rivalry, which eventually led to stickers of Calvin peeing on a Chevy bowtie or Ford oval. Simply hilarious.

Advantage: Bumblebee. (Thanks for keeping it classy, Chevy and Ford fans.)

Rebirths:

In the 2007 Michael Bay version of Transformers, Bumblebee first befriends Shia LaBeouf’s Sam Witwicky while in the form of a rusted 1976 Camaro. Later, Megan Fox’s Mikaela Banes mocks Bumblebee for being a “piece of crap Camaro”. Ouch. That shit was cold. Apparently a sucker for hot chicks, Bumblebee cues the soundtrack from Kill Bill and rocks the form of the 2006 Camaro concept. Well done, G.M. product placement specialists, well done.

The fourth-generation Camaro died a somewhat inglorious death in 2002 and left a pretty ugly corpse behind. The Ford Mustang had finally prevailed in its decades-long quest to be the car of choice for rental car agencies and douche bags from coast to coast. However, like a phoenix from lame ashes, the Camaro was reborn with the 2006 concept and the first production models starting to roll off the line in March, 2009.

Advantage: Bumblebee. (Was the Kill Bill-inspired use of “Battle Without Honor and Humanity” cheesey? Yes. Was it also awesome? Fuck yes.)

Abilities:

Over the years, Bumblebee has rocked a lot of different looks and shown the ability to do more than just be rendered functionally mute in movies filled with slow-motion helicopters and waving American flags. Cartoon Bumblebee seems to have had an amazingly full, exciting life for being a reconnaissance officer and smallest of the Autobots. Take it away, Wikipedia: “[Bumblebee’s] adventures have taken him back to Cybertron, to the prehistoric Dinobot Island, the sunken city of Sub-Atlantica, a world of alien giants, a debaucherous gambling asteroid locale and more. He has been scorched by acid rain, fought as a mindless gladiator, been mauled by a monstrous alien cat, quested for "robotic insecticide" and, in one of his most significant roles, was one of the few Autobots to survive a brainwashing scheme by the Decepticons, leaving it up to him to save his comrades.”

Unlike the previous Camaro or pony cars in general, the 2010 Camaro boasts some pretty modern technology. For the base model, G.M. wisely created a Frankenstein’s monster of a car, using the engine from the Cadillac CTS, the suspension from the Pontiac G8, the Zeta platform from Holden in Australia and styling from 1967. Most surprising, it boasts an EPA highway fuel-economy rating of 29 mpg. So yeah, for $22,995 U.S. or 27,000 loonies, you can drive a car that looks like Bumblebee, rips off 5.9 second 0-60 mph runs and gets better fuel economy than a freakin’ Toyota Camry. Suck it, Mustang.

Advantage: Bumblebee. (I swear “debaucherous” isn’t a word, but used in reference to a “gambling asteroid” visited by a cartoon robot, it somehow seems apt. Apt, I say!)

Ability to Pick up Chicks and / or Dudes:

In the movies, Bumblebee helped a dorky kid land an ultra-hot model-turned-actress-turned-mechanic-with-a-heart-of-gold. Sadly, the world of Michael Bay is as far removed from the real world as McDonald’s is from a three-Michelin-star restaurant. In the real world, you can’t actually have a transforming alien robot car with a soft spot for leggy brunettes. In the real world, your encyclopedic knowledge of Bumblebee is something you do not tell a girl ‘til AFTER you are married, and even then, it may be cause for divorce.

Without a doubt, the real Camaro will be more of a help picking up chicks (or dudes, if you’re a lady or just a fella who likes dudes) than the fictitious Bumblebee. However, the caliber of chick or dude you attract with a Camaro might not be the type of person you bring home to meet your Mom. That being said, Pop Culture A.D.D. strongly suggests you cover your stick-shift before getting’ busy in a Camaro.

Advantage: Camaro. (Geek Sidebar: If, in real life, you do befriend an alien robot car, at the end of your first adventure together, try your best NOT to make out with your sweaty girlfriend on top of your new robot friend while all his robot friends watch. It’s just, you know, rude.)

Final Scorecard:

Bumblebee: 3

Camaro: 2

Sorry, Camaro. We still have an embarrassing amount of love for you here… just don’t go getting all drunk and beardy on us, like Jack Shephard did.

Congrats, Bumblebee! Now why don’t you go ahead and rub it in the only way robots know how… by dancing!

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42tXAzlsH5Y)

Sayid the Killer & Pop Culture's Most Beloved Murderers

2009-03-26T13:10:00.016-04:00

Before we delve into today’s post, I’d just like to mention that I broke my HD Lost cherry last night and honestly, I feel blessed by its awesomeness. Magical moments like that don’t happen without a little help. With that in mind, I’d like to thank my employer and the not-as-fucked-up-as-it-could-be Canadian economy for letting me afford it, Samsung for making such beautiful toys, and my wife for accepting my geeky consumerism. I suppose I should also thank my mom for confiscating ninja stars and pellet guns from me in my youth… thanks to her, I still have two good eyes to appreciate Lost in HD.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program… but not before giving you this:

In last night’s episode of Lost (Season 5, Episode 10: He’s Our You), Sayid was presented as something of a natural-born killer. From his youth breaking chicken necks to his adulthood killing bad golfers to his current proclivity towards murdering creepy children who someday grow up to be even creepier adults (RIP, young Ben Linus), Sayid makes Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis look like a couple of bitches.

Obviously, the death of young Ben Linus raises the question of what the future holds for old Ben Linus and for the Dharmites medium-aged Ben Linus would have killed. If Back to the Future’s Doc Brown taught us anything, it was that you can’t change the past without changing the future… and that “Great Scott!” is woefully underused exclamation of surprise… and that a flux capacitor requires 1.21 gigawatts of power to operate. ONE. POINT. TWENTY-ONE. GIGAWATTS!!!

While those time-space continuum, theoretical craziness questions are all well and good, the more important question raised by last night’s episode of Lost was this: Is Sayid now among pop culture’s greatest and most-beloved killers? Our heart says yes, but our brain says we won’t know for sure without that old favourite of lazy online writers: the list.

So, without further adieu, Pop Culture A.D.D. is happy to present our list of pop culture’s greatest and most-beloved killers. Keep in mind that to qualify for the list, you need to be at least somewhat heroic and / or have some redeeming value. Sorry, asteroid from Armageddon, pencil-disappearing-act Joker from The Dark Knight, and eating disorder from The Simple Life.

10. The Punisher

Welcome back, Frank. Anti-heroes who are willing to kill have been a-dime-a-dozen since the dark-and-gritty ‘80s. Frank Castle / The Punisher makes our list not so much for his killing as his not one, not two, but three bad movies – and, of course, his willingness to punch a polar bear. Global warming isn’t the only thing endangering polar bears.

9. Cortez the Killer

No, not Hernán Cortés, Spanish conquistador and Aztec empire toppler, we’re talking about the actual song Cortez the Killer by Neil Young. Featuring a guitar solo which ranks 39th on Guitar World magazine’s 100 Greatest Guitar Solos, a spot (321st) on Rolling Stone magazine’s Greatest 500 Songs of All Time, Young’s seven-and-a-half minute, historically inaccurate, rock-and-roll indictment of Cortés was banned in Spain. For that reason alone, it’s more than cool enough for our list.

8. Mario

Created by legendary video game designer Shigeru Miyamoto, Mario has appeared in over 200 games and helped sell over 201 million copies of those games since his first appearance in 1981’s Donkey Kong. That equals a veritable avalanche of dead goombas and koopa troopas. Mario: lovable plumber or genocidal maniac?

7. Sayid Jarrah

Welcome to the big time, Sayid. All you needed to do to get here was sucker-punch one of your best friends and murder a defenseless tween. Well done, sir.

6. Clive Owen

Owen has played a number of memorable killers, including Dwight in Sin City, Smith in Shoot ‘Em Up. However, you’ll notice it says “Clive Owen”, not “carrot-wielding, sharp-shooting, cool-as-ice cartoonish character” in the title of this entry on the list. That’s because the real Owen is a straight-up, stone-cold killer… a lady killer, that is.

5. Ford Explorer

We’re not trying to insinuate that the Ford Explorer killed anyone during the whole rollover / Firestone tire debacle. We’re not even saying that the Ford Explorer has ever or will ever kill anyone by dumping carbon into the atmosphere. Nope, that would be cold… or stupid… or coldly stupid. The reason that Ford’s successor to the O.J.-haulin’ Ford Bronco is on this list is for killing an entire industry. When it debuted, the Ford Explorer was such a phenomenal success that it almost single-handedly created the SUV craze, which caused the Big Three to focus on developing bigger, more luxurious, more ridiculous, more profitable SUVs. While Detroit was pouring R&D money and engineering talent into putting fat-bottomed, heated leather seats and DVD entertainment systems into trucks, the competition from Europe and Asia was developing actually useful technologies. Now, North Americans are footing the bill to help pull the domestic auto industry from the smoking ruins. Thanks, Ford Explorer.

4. Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer is like the internet’s version of Chuck Norris without the height or stretchy jeans designed to let him kick you in the face. Bauer once ran up a wall to break a guy’s neck. He even inspired a website specifically devoted to his trail of death and comical destruction. ‘Nuff said.

3. The Killers

Apparently, The Killers are named after a fictional band from a music video created by English alt / electronic rockers New Order. Huh. Who knew? Here at Pop Culture A.D.D., we’ll just continue to assume the band is made up of blood-thirsty CIA spooks that got together to infiltrate organized crime in Vegas. It’s just more fun that way.

2. Dexter Morgan

Do you know what’s about a million times cooler than a hooker with a heart of gold? A serial killer with a heart of gold… who tracks another serial killer… who kills prostitutes… who may or may not have had hearts of gold. Oh Dexter, don’t ever change.

1. James Bond

As a double-O agent of MI6, James Bond has an actual licence to kill… and based on what we saw in Casino Royale, you don’t get that licence but parallel parking for a disinterested bureaucrat, you get it by being pop culture’s no. 1 bad ass.

Just Who Was Supposed to Watch the Watchmen?

2009-03-25T10:59:00.010-04:00

Just like every other self-respecting geek in North America, I went to see Watchmen in its opening weekend. As it's now weeks after the fact, I won't bother with an in-depth review other than to say I was impressed with the audicity of the project and genuinely appreciate the obvious love director Zack Snyder & Co. had for the material.

The real reason for this post was to wonder aloud -- or at least quietly and electronically ponder -- just who that movie could have possibly appealled to other than geeks with more than a passing interest in the original comics or collected graphic novel. Obviously, my own friends, family and co-workers aren't exactly a mirror image of the movie-going populace at large, but three things came abudantly clear in the last month. Firstly, those who read the graphic novel were DYING to see the movie. Secondly, those who hadn't read the graphic novel ranged from having never heard of the movie to simply having little interest in seeing it. Finally, if the uninitiated happened to be female, the only way she'd be going to watch the Watchmen would be a) if she was drugged, b) if she was bribed, or c) over her dead body.

Due to its somewhat limited demographic appeal, it's not surprising that Watchmen has done only solid, not spectacular, business at the box office. However, $98,772,123 in 15 days of release is nothing to sneeze at, so there must be someone other than male geeks aged 18 to 35 and possibly their drugged, bribed or dead girlfriends or wives forking over their hard-earned cash.

With that in mind, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our look at the micro-demographics that have no doubt helped propel Watchmen to the $100 million mark.

1. Fans of eclectic soundtracks and/or 99 Luftballons:

Seriously, if you heard Nat King Cole, My Chemical Romance, K.C. and the Sunshine Band, Leonard Cohen and the Budapest Symphony Orchestra one after the other on a friend's iPod, you'd assume they were insane. Even crazier than the soundtrack is the fact that the soundtrack available in stores leaves out Nena's 99 Luftballons, which I will no doubt now have playing in my mind every time I'm in a restaurant cleaning my glasses and a hot woman walks in.

2. Fans of Dr. Tobias Funke who just can't wait for the (please God let it happen) Arrested Development movie:

Sometimes, you want a Carl Weathers-trained, Blue Man Group-worshipping, never-nude, analrapist (analyst + therapist, for those who don't know) with the reflexes of a cat... and all you can get is a nude, blue Superman who looks a lot like the lead singer of Stillwater. C'est la vie.

3. Middleage men who can only get it up while in costume:

Dan Dreiberg can't get it up for Laurie Juspeczyk, but you bet your comically-timed flame-thrower blast that Nite Owl II has no problem throwing Silk Spectre II the ol' high, hard one. It's hard to decide whether Dan Dreiberg has self-esteem issues or just a fetish for thigh-high f@ck-me boots, but either way, he must be a wonderful role model for middle-aged men who think that Erectile Dysfunction has left them limp forever. (Just to be clear, we think Jay Maynard, aka "Tron Guy", is awesome and has no such issues and is no doubt an amazing lover.)

4. Fans of eating Hollywood's regurgitated worms:

"I find film in its modern form to be quite bullying," Watchmen author Alan Moore said. "It spoon-feeds us, which has the effect of watering down our collective cultural imagination. It is as if we are freshly hatched birds looking up with our mouths open waiting for Hollywood to feed us more regurgitated worms. The 'Watchmen' film sounds like more regurgitated worms." (So we're clear, that is just about the nicest quote from Moore concerning Hollywood and the bastardization of his works of genius. I thought he'd love how faithful LXG: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was, but I guess he's hard to please.)

5. Hardcore fans of The Simpsons who want to know what all the fuss is about:

I'd be excited too, Milhouse. I'd be excited too.

Friday Throwdown! Bauer vs. Shephard!Aka: The Great Jack-Off!

2007-05-18T13:12:00.000-04:00

In the last installment of Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Friday Throwdown, we witnessed Dwight Schrute narrowly edging out The Man Without Fear, Daredevil, for the inaugural Friday Throwdown crown.

This time out, we’ll be pitting two cultural icons against each other in a battle to see who the greatest Jack of all is:

24’s Jack Bauer

Lost’s Jack Shephard!

The winner of this battle can lay claim to being “The Reason Why North America Will Soon Be Overrun by Jacks”. Think that’s hyperbole? The power of the internet says otherwise, my friend. Check it out:

See? Jack Bauer was unleashed upon the population in 2001. Jack Shephard made his first appearance in 2004. Since those years, there has been a steady increase in the number of baby Jacks being born. By looking at the graph from the fascinating, time-wasting Name Voyager, Pop Culture A.D.D. can come to only one conclusion: by the year 2023, every baby boy born in North America will be named Jack… and for good reason. If Jack Bauer and Jack Shephard have taught us anything, it’s that if you want to live a long life despite continually being in wildly dangerous situations, your name had better be Jack.

So, with bragging rights for being the impetus behind entire generations of Jacks on the line, let the Friday Throwdown begin!

Backgrounds:

Jack Bauer went to UCLA prior to getting his Master of Science in Criminology and Law from UC Berkeley. After school, Bauer went on to work for the U.S. Army (Delta Force and Coral Snake), L.A.P.D. SWAT, the CIA and CTU.

Jack Shephard attended Columbia University before graduating at the head of his medical school class. After school, Shephard went to work for St. Sebastian Hospital in L.A. as a spinal surgeon (with time off to be a man-whore and punching bag in Phuket, Thailand).

Advantage: Jack Bauer. (Jack Shephard simply can’t compete against all those acronyms.)

Family:

The son of a freakishly tall former pig farmer, Jack Bauer was married to Terri Bauer and had one daughter, Kim Bauer. Terri Bauer was murdered at the hands of Nina Myers, who had been intimate with Jack Bauer while he and his wife were separated. Kim Bauer may possibly have the worst luck of any female on the planet.

The son of an alcoholic Red Sox fan, Jack Shephard married a former patient of his, Sarah, after helping her recover from a broken back. Sarah went on to cheat on Jack Shephard before leaving him. Unbeknownst to Jack, he is also the half-brother of Aussie hottie Claire Littleton and the uncle of kidnapping target Aaron Littleton.

Advantage: Draw. (Way to rock that Shakespearian tragedy, fellas.)

Friends:

Jack Bauer's best friends include Tony Almeida (deceased), Michelle Dessler (deceased) and President David Palmer (deceased).

Jack Shephard’s friends include a handful of hotties (Kate Austen, Dr. Juliet Burke, Sun Kwon), a former member of the Iraqi National Guard (Sayid Jarrah), a millionaire (Hugo “Hurley” Reyes) and a possibly deceased, formerly wheelchair-bound survivalist and ass-kicker (John Locke).

Advantage: Jack Shephard. (Remind us never to become friends with Jack Bauer.)

Love Interests:

Since his wife was murdered, Jack Bauer has been involved with Kate Warner and, more recently, Audrey Raines. (Sadly for Jack, the awesomeness of Audrey is balanced by the lameness of Kate… and we won’t even talk about him making out with Nina Myers.)

Since his wife left him, Jack Shephard has knocked boots with the skanky-yet-exotic Achara in Thailand, shown interest in the uber-pouty and thankfully deceased Ana Lucia Cortez, developed a relationship with Dr. Juliet Burke and formed a will-they-or-won’t-they relationship with Kate Austen. (Sadly for Jack, Kate vents her sexual frustrations with the island’s resident bad boy, Sawyer.)

Advantage: Jack Shephard. (We love Audrey, but come on, we’re only human.)

Special Skills:

Jack Bauer: Listing the Special Skills of Jack Bauer would cause the internet to crash harder than Nick Nolte at the wheel of a Ferrari Enzo. Since we have no interest in stopping the worldwide flow of pornography and comic book blogs, we’ll just list two: saying “damnit!” and breaking necks.

Jack Shephard: Performing miracle surgery, scheming against The Others, growing stubble, catching footballs, running stairs, ratting out drunk family members, seeing dead people, making motivational speeches, being a man of science, saving evil masterminds and rocking sleeveless t-shirts.

Advantage: Jack Bauer. (Come on. He can run up a concrete stadium tunnel wall to break a neck… who are we to argue with that?)

Final Scorecard:

Jack Bauer: 2.5
Jack Shephard 2.5

Considering our love for both Jacks at Pop Culture A.D.D., we would be fine leaving this one a well-fought draw. However, with bragging rights for future baby Jacks on the line, we don’t want to leave anything up in the air, so we’ll have to go to a tiebreaker.

Tiebreaker: Memorable Quote

Jack Bauer: “Let’s get one thing straight. The only reason you are conscious right now is because I don’t feel like carrying you.”

And with that little gem, this contest is over before Jack Shephard gets to say a word.

Congratulations to our latest champion, the neck-breakingest, damnit-sayingest, ass-kickingest, platform-shoe-wearingest Jack in the world, Jack Bauer.

That's right, Jack, show the world who's boss.

Unsolved Mystery No. 1,587,514: Who is Jacob?

2007-05-10T11:39:00.000-04:00

Two words: Awe. Some.

In ramping up for Season Three’s upcoming finale, Lost has once again proven that it is the Brian Flanagan of the TV world, expertly blending and mixing different intoxicants to make one heck of a drink.

Two ounces mystery + two ounces drama + one ounce suspense, shaken liberally and served with John Locke = Awesome.

Before we get to the main event and give odds on just who the mysterious Jacob might be, let’s spend a moment looking at exactly why the episode titled "The Man Behind The Curtain" rocked our fuckin’ socks off: (Spoilers ahoy!)

The Master of Disaster, the Prince of Pain, the King of Cool, John Locke. Watching him beat up Russians, verbally bitch slap creepy island dictators and just generally kick ass is more fun than should be allowed by the F.C.C. Sorry about the bullet to the gut, Johnny. Pop Culture A.D.D. wishes you a speedy recovery.
The fantabulous return of Jack Shephard. Looks like we have some catching up to do, indeed. When asked if we are “Jack people” or “Sawyer people”, Pop Culture A.D.D. has always and proudly answered with the former – and that’s why it was so great to see a return of Jack as the heroic “man with the plan”. Welcome back, Jack.
The Haunted House. Could last night’s episode have caused a mini-Baby Boom? Even if it didn’t, we are pretty sure it caused couples all across North America to cuddle together on the couch and hold hands while Jack and Ben visited Lost’s version of The Shrieking Shack.

Speaking of the Haunted House, it’s time to talk about the latest mystery offered up by The Island… the identity of a certain now-you-see-him-now-you-don’t crony of Ben’s by the name of Jacob. Since those lazy odds-makers in Vegas are too busy with the NBA playoffs, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our own odds on Jacob’s identity.

1,000,000 to 1: Casper the Friendly Ghost.

The ghost part makes sense, but Jacob seemed a little less than friendly, so this one is a long-shot.

100,000 to 1: Jack Skellington.

We’re talkin’ corporate synergy here, people! Disney owns ABC and knows they have a valuable property in Jack Skellington, so before they spruce up the old Haunted House theme ride for Halloween, why not give ol’ Jack some free publicity?

1,000 to 1: Howard Hughes.

If the jars of yellow and red liquid are any indication, the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 might just get off the Island on the Spruce Goose thanks to Hughes, who, truthfully or not, is known to have collected jars of his own urine.

100 to 1: L. Frank Baum.

If anyone is truly “The Man Behind The Curtain”, it is L. Frank Baum, who wrote the 1900 children’s book The Wizard of Oz. Perhaps he is back from the dead and rightfully pissed off about The Wiz.

10 to 1: Roger Workman (Linus).

You’d think that Roger would be happy that even after death, he gets to sit around with a beer. However, if anyone can carry a grudge and be generally unpleasant to be around – and with good, Shakespearian reason – it’s him.

1 to 1: J.C.

Without trying to be too blasphemous, J.C. does seem to fit the bill. Appears only to those who are worthy? Check. Inspires hushed tones of reverence among his followers? Check. Suffered? Check. Possesses the power to heal? Check. Not big on technology? Check. Curly brown hair and beard? Check. (Admittedly, we’re not sure why you’d need a hand gun to visit J.C., but hey, we don’t expect lucidity from Alex Rousseau.)

(Screen capture of Jacob from Lost Screencaps and Easter Eggs. Keep up the good work, guys!)

Friday Throwdown! Daredevil vs. Dwight Schrute!

2007-05-04T08:19:00.000-04:00

In an effort to finish the week with a flourish, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our first installment of Friday Throwdown. This week, we’ll be pitting two formidable foes – and two geek icons – against each other.

Representing Marvel Comics, we have the blind lawyer vigilante from Hell’s Kitchen himself, Matthew Murdock, also known as Daredevil.

Representing The Office and Dunder Mifflin, we have the former Assistant to the Regional Manager in Scranton, Dwight Schrute, aka Rainn Wilson.

Let the throwdown begin!

First Appearances:

Daredevil first appeared in April, 1964’s Daredevil #1, sporting yellow and red tights (made from his father’s boxing robe) and beating the tar out of a group of four thugs.

Dwight Schrute first appeared in March, 2005’s premiere of the U.S. version of The Office, fighting over potential safety violations and Jell-o encased staplers with Jim Halpert.

Advantage: Daredevil.

Origins:

After saving an older blind man from an oncoming truck, young Matthew Murdock was exposed to radioactive chemicals that were thrown from the truck, rendering him blind and enhancing his other senses.

Dwight Schrute was originally a twin, but “resorbed” his twin while still in the womb, giving him the strength of a grown man and a baby.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.

Outfits:

Ever since issue #7, Daredevil has (usually) rocked a red costume with an interlocking “DD” logo on his chest and little horns sticking out of his cowl. In his day job, Matthew Murdock wears the tailored suits that are de rigeur for the Marvel Universe’s most famous attorney.

Dwight Schrute is usually seen in a charming short-sleeve shirt and tie combo with a dark gray-brown suit, large glasses and Casio calculator watch. However, he has also sported the tuxedo his grandfather was buried in – and keeps an extra pair of Birkenstock sandals in his car for “special occasions”.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.

Special Abilities:

Daredevil possesses the strength, speed, agility and endurance -- not to mention the acrobatic and gymnastic skills -- of an Olympic-level athlete. He is also a master of a unique martial art form, which is a hybridized form of American boxing and the Japanese arts of ninjutsu, judo and aiki-jujutsu. Beyond his heightened sense of taste, touch, smell and hearing, Daredevil also has a “radar” sense.

Dwight is trained in the art of surveillance and possesses a purple belt in goju-ryu karate. As a "hero", Dwight wakes up in the morning with mass quantities of anger and has trained himself in a wide array of weapons, including laser tag guns. Finally, Dwight Schrute is also able to raise and lower his cholesterol at will.

Advantage: Daredevil.

Weapons:

Daredevil carries a billy club that is disguised as a blind man’s cane when he is in his civilian guise. The billy club contains thirty feet of aircraft control cable attached to a hardened steel grapple. He is also adept in the use of all manner of weapons used by ninjas and often carries two fighting batons.

Apart from his skills with the previously mentioned laser tag guns, Dwight Schrute is also an expert marksman with paintball guns. Beyond that, he is skilled with a variety of weapons, including cross bows, bo staffs, samurai swords, nun-chucks, throwing stars, stun guns and, of course, pepper spray.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.

Adversaries:

While his nemesis is Wilson Fisk, also known as the Kingpin, Daredevil's adversaries also include a veritable who’s who of murderers, psychopaths and all-around bad dudes – including Bullseye, The Owl, Stilt-Man, Gladiator, Jester and even Doctor Doom himself on rare occasions.

Dwight Schrute has a sometime adversarial relationship with his boss and mentor, Michael Scott. Run-ins with Michael Scott include a fire extinguisher “hazing” and a brutal battle in a dojo. However, his true nemesis is none other than Jim Halpert, who delights in hatching nefarious schemes to torment him.

Advantage: Daredevil.

Love lives:

Currently married to the blind-and-beautiful Milla Donovan, Daredevil’s love life has been nothing short of astounding... and heart-breaking. The love of his life, Karen Page, was murdered by Bullseye, while other women in his life – including Heather Glenn and Glorianna O’Brien – have met tragic fates of their own. Daredevil is nothing if not a ladies’ man and has shown his "billy club" to the likes of super-hotties Elektra and Black Widow.

Dwight Schrute is currently dating his co-worker, Angela Martin, an uptight, incredibly petite blonde who heads up Dunder Mifflin’s accounting department – although Dwight Schrute has stated that the fictitious anime character Konikotaka is his ideal woman.

Advantage: Daredevil.

Transportation:

Daredevil uses the grappling hook attachment of his billy club to traverse the rooftops of Hell’s Kitchen.

Dwight Schrute uses a maroon 1987 Pontiac Trans Am that gets eight miles per gallon to traverse the mean streets of Scranton, Ohio.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.

Final Scorecard:

Daredevil: 4
Dwight Schrute: 4

Wow. We really didn’t see that one coming. To put an end to this battle of champions, we are going to have to go to a tie-breaker.

Origin of Name:

Daredevil's name comes from the fact that the bullies of Hell's Kitchen used to call him "daredevil" when he was a bookish, passive young boy.

According to the man himself, Dwight stands for Dedicated, Worker, Intense, Good Worker, Hard Worker, Terrific.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.

Congratulations to the winner of Pop Culture A.D.D.’s first-ever Friday Throwdown:

Dwight Schrute!

Hell Never Looked So Good

2007-05-03T09:31:00.000-04:00

Last night's episode of Lost was a good one -- with the highlight being the fact that the writers didn't shy away from having Sawyer Jr. give Sawyer Sr. the old chain-for-a-necktie treatment.

As good as the episode was, one can't help but feel that the writers of the show are having a little fun at the expense of the fans. I'm referring, of course, to the fact that it was once again implied that the survivors of Oceanic flight 815 were not survivors at all and that they are all as dead as Julius Caesar.

The theory that the island is really purgatory, limbo or hell has been around just about as long as the show itself. While fans of the show would love to be given some answers, there is no way "it's a little hot for heaven" is anything other than a red herring.

To prove that point, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to offer the following list of reasons why Lost can't possibly be set in Hell:

In Hell, Anna Lucia would be alive and annoying the crap out of me.

In Hell, you can't sit around with your friends having a beer.

In Hell, the days don't resemble a Hawaiian golf getaway.

In Hell, you don't get to drive around in a VW van like this one.

The No. 1 reason why Lost can't possibly be set in Hell?

In Hell, ain't no way the women look like this.

Iron Man Looks Like Money, Baby

2007-05-02T15:58:00.000-04:00

Entertainment Weekly broke some pretty cool Marvel-based news today by posting the first official picture of what ol' Shellhead is going to look like in Jon Favreau's upcoming Iron Man motion picture.

To my eyes, it looks like a nice little amalgam of the classic red-and-gold Iron Man and Ultimate Iron Man. The fact that Robert Downey Jr. will be playing Tony Stark / Iron Man is more exciting than this picture... but it is still pretty sweet.

To celebrate this latest bit of geeky goodness, here are a few lines of dialogue Pop Culture A.D.D. would like to hear in the movie:

That's not a repulsor ray... THAT is a repulsor ray!
Am I in Malibu?! What do you mean this isn't my bed?
Civil War? Umm... never heard of it.
Tony the Iron Man! What's your favorite color?
Who are you calling a fascist dickhead?
That was so fucking money. That was like the Jedi-mind-shit!
I'll show you a 12-step program!
Have I lost my mind? Can I see or am I blind?
You most certainly do NOT recognize me from Ally McBeal.
Has anyone seen my Thor clone?
Daaaaaaaaaamn! That is one fine malt liquor.
What do you mean you didn't see Kiss Kiss Bang Bang?

Dr. Sorethumb or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the (Video) Game

2007-05-02T08:04:00.000-04:00

Comics have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. My older brother collected comics and as his younger sibling, it was my God-given right to annoy him by "borrowing" his things when he wasn't around. I might have received the occasional Indian sunburn or bruised shoulder as retribution but it was all worth it.

The other aspect of my Geekdom that was the direct result of my family is my love of video games. My childhood memories are littered with Atari logos, cassette drives, dot matrix printers, BASIC programs and arguments over high scores in Frogger. My eventual case of Nintendicitis all started with this glorious machine:

Before I move on to the actual point of this post, I feel I would be remiss if I didn't point out two things:

There are probably toothbrushes with more than 8 kB of RAM these days but back then we were literally in awe of the raw power of our Atari 400. It seemed like the even-more-powerful Atari 800 must have been used to coordinate nuclear attacks or beat Russian chess champions.

"You don't have to be a genius to use one." While that marketing slogan seems pretty quaint and funny now, it was totally true. You didn't need to be a genius... you just needed the patience of a fucking saint.

Now that I'm done with my little trip down memory lane, it's time to get to the actual point of this post. I love me some video games. Always have. I have wasted (and continue to waste) countless hours controlling everything from a knight riding an ostrich to a bandicoot riding a polar bear.

I have shunned family, shirked responsibilities and ostracized friends... and the following is a list of the games that helped me do it. Keep in mind that this list is based solely on my experiences. Your results may vary. Without further ado:

Pop Culture A.D.D.'s Top-10 Video Games of All-Time

10. Pac-Man (Atari 400)

Close your eyes. Think of Pac-Man. Now listen. I guarantee you hear one of three things:

Pac-Man dying (bwoo-bwoo-bwoo)
Pac-Man eating (wacca-wacca-wacca-wacca)
Pac-man theme music (du-du-du-du-du, du-du-du-du-du, du-du-du-du-du, do-duh-lee do-duh-lee do!)

Along with the uber-addictive gameplay and lame-but-awesome cartoon show, those sounds are all the reason I need to add Pac-Man to this list. Before we move on, check out the crazy cover art below. If you ever wanted to know what Pac-Man would look like as a beaver dressed to play basketball in 1981, now you know.

9. Sonic the Hedgehog (Genesis)

Sonic may not have turned into the iconic counterpoint to Mario that Sega hoped he would be, but he is still alive and spinning -- and his first adventure is a classic. The speed of the game was downright mind-blowing. Anyone who didn't freak out the first time they saw Sonic do a super-fast loop-de-loop is no friend of mine.

8. Marvel Ultimate Alliance (PS2)

Oh, Marvel Ultimate Alliance, you had me at hello. There are a million reasons to love this game and any self-respecting Marvel fan already knows them. For the record, my two favorite reasons are Mjolnir and Daredevil rocking his old-school yellow-and-black duds.

7. Mario Cart 64 (N64)

This game was created by Mephistopheles himself. At first glance, it's all cute and fun... but before you know it, you're ready to strangle your best friend with the cord of your controller for dropping back in the race just to be able to unleash the fury of a spikey blue shell on your ass.

6. Gran Turismo 2 (PS)

The setting? My apartment during my first year of college. The occasion? The copy of GT2 I had ordered from the Sears outlet in my building had finally arrived. The result? A coffee table littered with empty cans of Old Milwaukee. My girlfriend asking me if I was ever going to come to bed. Me frantically trying to harness the ridiculous oversteer of a (stupid) Dodge Viper while trying to earn my A-class license. The lesson? Any game that can cause you to seriously consider dropping out of college belongs on this list.

5. Tetris (Gameboy)

I don't know why, but this game NEVER got better than when it was at its simple best on the original Gameboy. Possibly the most addictive game in the history of mankind, sometimes I hear the siren song of its Russian theme music in my sleep. From Russia with fun, indeed.

4. Ratchet and Clank (PS2)

This spot on the list is a tie between every member of the PS2 Ratchet and Clank family: Ratchet and Clank, Going Commando and Up Your Arsenal. For the purposes of this post (and my life in general), we are going to pretend that Ratchet: Deadlocked never happened. The good people at Insomniac Games earned their name with this series. I don't even know where to begin when it comes to discussing how awesome Ratchet and Clank is, so I'll just go all 30 Rock on it and say this: I love Ratchet and Clank so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

3. Super Mario Bros. (NES)

The game that forever changed the lives of an entire generation. There is nothing else to say.

2. Joust (Atari 400)

If you've never played Joust, you've never truly lived. Not only was it WILDLY addictive and entertaining, it also encouraged two-player, competitive mayhem. Most memorably, Joust blew my mind with its absolutely insane premise. You want High Concept? How's this for High Concept? Good knights riding ostriches grab a lance and face off against evil knights riding buzzards in an effort to destroy them... and their eggs... while avoiding lava... and pterodactyls.

1. God of War (PS2)

While I don't love the idea of having such a new game take the top spot on an all-time list, there is simply no denying God of War and its main character, Kratos. Part Maximus Decimus Meridius, part Jason Vorhees, part Dirk Diggler, Kratos is a pantheon-level video game character. The epic story of God of War is more memorable (and better looking) than most movies I have seen. For being groin-grabbingly awesome, God of War tops the list.

BONUS COVERAGE:

You may have noticed a lack of sports-themed games on the list. You'll understand why when you check out:

Pop Culture A.D.D.'s Top-5 Sports Video Games of All-Time

5. NHLPA Hockey 94 (Genesis)
4. NHLPA Hockey 93 (Genesis)
3. NHL Hockey (Genesis)
2. NHL 95 (Genesis)
1. NHL 98 (Genesis)

Come on, I'm Canadian. What did you expect?

The (Bat) Man Who Started It All

2007-05-01T11:07:00.000-04:00

As my first post, it is only fitting that I focus on the man who started me down the path that led me to create Pop Culture A.D.D.

This man has been a big part of so many of the memorable moments of my life.

As a child, he inspired my imagination and even my wardrobe. As an adolescent, he inspired me to go to my very first movie without my parents. As an adult, he has helped me embrace the importance of maintaining a sense of childlike wonder.

While Pop Culture A.D.D. will eventually focus on the staggering array of things that draw my attention and distract me from my work, for today, I will focus on the man who made it all possible:

That's right. Batman. The crime-fightingest, ass-kickingest, batmobile-drivingest, Gotham-livingest hero to ever don a pair of tights. Batman effectively introduced me to the power of pop culture and the mind-melting awesomeness of comics.

With that in mind, I'd like to thank:

Bob Kane for creating a character that will outlive us all.
My Mom for making my first cape and baking my first Batman birthday cake.
My Dad for letting me go see Batman: The Movie while he was shopping.
Christopher Nolan for making Batman Begins so good I cried tears of geek joy.
Bruce Timm and Paul Dini for their amazing work on Batman: The Animated Series and Dini for the current run of Detective Comics. (Thanks for the assist, Stephen.)
Chris Sims and his Incredible Super-Blog for proving that the internet could be used to extol the virtues of kicks to the face and car batteries as weapons.
Rachelle Goguen and Living Between Wednesdays for showing the world that life is just better with a "Cuddle Pillow Batman".
J. Caleb Mozzocco and Every Day Is Like Wednesday for sharing the utter joy of pirate Batman throwing down on a shark. While taking off a woman's dress. With a knife.
Batman himself for always being there for me like a mix of The Man With No Name, Robin Hood, Sherlock Holmes and Jesus Christ.