Things You Might Not Know Are Awesome But Totally Are: Freaks and Geeks

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good something is, you just don’t have the time, knowledge or circumstances to appreciate it when it is new. While it lends a certain amount of geek street cred to say you were on board with something special right from the beginning, the magic of DVD and Blu-Ray means that you needn’t fret if you missed out.

For example, if you were in a coma, ship wrecked on a deserted island, in a drug-induced haze or perhaps just curled up in the fetal position without access to a TV and happened to miss either Arrested Development or The Wire, there is no reason not to rectify the situation. Seriously. Like right now.


I have no idea what I was doing with my free time when Freaks and Geeks first aired on NBC in 1999 and 2000, but I missed it. Honestly, I don’t even have an excuse. I obviously had a TV and was even watching NBC on a weekly basis thanks to the 1999 debut of The West Wing, so I have no idea what happened… maybe I just wasn’t ready for Seth Rogen’s Jew-fro yet. Who knows? Regardless, I am proud I can now mark it off of my official “to-watch” list. You’re next, Mad Men!

Anyway, now that I’ve seen it, I can join in the fairly universal praise it receives and also offer Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Top-Five Reasons Why Freaks and Geeks is Awesome:

5. The Honesty


More often than not, pop culture tends to portray only the most rigid, extreme examples of a social class. Cool characters are cool almost to a fault; geeky characters are rarely more than a one-note caricature. However, in the world of Freaks and Geeks, the characters feel more organic… the cool kids can have a bad day or make an embarrassing decision; the un-cool kids can enjoy an occasional shining moment of triumph. Having had my fair share of both freaky and geeky moments in my life, I appreciated the deft touch shown by creator Paul Feig, producer Judd Apatow and the show’s writers.

4. The Geeks


As promised by the title, the show focuses on both freaks and geeks, with the latter represented by a wonderfully charming trio of social outcasts. John Francis Daley plays Sam Weir, the coolest of the un-cool kids and younger brother of the show’s main heroine; Samm Levine plays Neil Schweiber, who was more-or-less accurately described as looking like a grandpa in the show; and Martin Starr plays Bill Haverchuck, the bespectacled and gangly geek with a peanut allergy. As best friends dealing with that awkward stage between Star Wars and the fairer sex (which, for some of us, never completely goes away), the geeks are spot on.

3. The Parents


I’m trying to think a funnier set of parents than Harold and Jean Weir, as played by Joe Flaherty of SCTV fame and Becky Ann Baker. Harold and Jean are equal parts protective and permissive, realizing they are lucky to have such bright, (mostly) well-adjusted children but lamenting the growing chasm between parent and child. More than anything, the Weir parents are just downright hilarious in their own awkward yet natural way. Suck it, Cindy and Jim Walsh.

2. The Music


Without question, the music is an integral, amazing part of the show and you’d have to be a Nickelback fan not to appreciate it. From Rush to The Who to the fact that the opening credits are set to Bad Reputation by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, the music sets the tone for just how awesome and authentic the show is. Sadly, the music is also what makes it hard to find the DVDs in your local Wal-Mart bargain bin. Rather than neuter the show by cutting out the music, Apatow and Co. decided to bite the bullet and pay the royalty fees for the DVD release. The good news? The music is fucking awesome. The bad news? It doesn’t come cheap.

1. The Freaks


Not since the star factories of Welcome Back, Kotter and ER pumped out John Travolta and George Clooney has a TV show spawned such a wealth of big-name talent. Like older, sex-drug-and-rock-and-roll-obsessed versions of the three geeks, the three freaks are portrayed by Seth Rogen, James Franco and Jason Segal. Basically, if you enjoyed the interplay between Rogen and Franco in Pineapple Express or Segal’s character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, you’ll dig Freaks and Geeks. To top it all off, as geek-turned-freak Lindsay Weir, actress Linda Cardellini offers a charming glimpse into both worlds.

Sadly, Freaks and Geeks was a brilliant show that never found the audience it deserved. Considering it took me a goddamn decade to track it down and watch it, I can’t help but take some of the blame for its demise. Sorry, everyone. As punishment, I’ll make myself watch an episode of Two and a Half Men or Big Bang Theory.

What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love… and an Aston Martin with Machine Guns.

On the list of geeky dream jobs, designing high-tech gadgets and weapons for a spy agency likely ranks just below actually being a spy and just above being a Imperial Stromtrooper. Seriously, when you watched James Bond movies as a kid, you either wanted to be Bond or you wanted to be Q, Bond’s sharp-tongued, easily-exasperated-yet-kindly gadget guru. While you can’t be James Bond or a Stormtrooper (without being mocked, anyway), thanks to the British Security Service, you just might be able to be Q.

According to the BBC, the UK’s domestic intelligence agency, better known as MI5, is looking for a “Q” of its own to appoint as Chief Scientific Advisor. The successful applicant will help MI5 harness developments in science and technology that will combat terrorism and support field officers in counter-intelligence activities. Best of all, your business cards gets to read “Chief Scientific Advisor, MI5”… if you can’t get laid with that, you might as well give it up.

While I am but a lowly writer and lack the “world-class scientific expertise” necessary to fill the position at MI5, I’m not depressed about it. I’m just happy to know I live in a world where at least some of the best and brightest scientific minds will be focused on creating awesome new ways to piss off bad guys.

To help MI5’s new Chief Scientific Advisor start his or her new career off right, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our Top-10 Inventions That the World Needs Now… like right fucking now:

10. Transparisteel: Transparent steel is a mainstay in the world of science fiction. While it’s all well and good to use it to make starship windows and whale tanks, we need to get working on it for use in more practical applications – like, you know, things that don’t involve wookies or an aging Captain Kirk.


9. Rocket Packs: This one is obviously long overdue. Admittedly, rocket packs do exist and have for quite some time now, but not in a way befitting a discreet, world-class spy. We need something a little more Iron Man and a little less Arrested Development.

8. Watches with Laser Beams: Evil geniuses might need sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, but spies need fancy watches with laser beams to get them out of the situation where they might meet said shark in the first place. Also, if the laser happens to be built into a nice OMEGA Seamaster, there’s no harm in everything looking good too.

7. Cell-Based Big Brother Technology: Civil liberties and rights to privacy are all well and good but to be perfectly honest, I’d put up with having my cell phone used as part of a giant eavesdropping network if it meant we could track down international terrorists a bit easier. Perhaps we can hire Morgan Freeman to run the system, since he’d make everyone feel better about the whole situation.


6. X-Ray Specs: Thermal imaging and night vision are a good start, but when it comes right down to it how are we going to find douche bags hiding in caves or cheat at poker or baccarat against an egomaniacal villain without proper x-ray specs?

5. Cloaking Device: I think we can all agree that a cloaking device just makes sense for a spy, right? Whether by land, sea or air, arriving unannounced and undetected is pretty much the goal. Apparently, the Pentagon is already working on a Harry Potter-esque invisibility cloak, so why don’t we just go ahead and get MI5 to throw in a few bucks and perfect the technology.

4. A Working Firewall: As nerdy as it seems, information is power and if we can’t protect our computer files from unscrupulous types, then there’s no point in inventing awesome stuff or having spies in the first place. And no, it seems doubtful Microsoft will be a sub-contractor on this little job.


3. The Swiss Army Tuxedo / Suit: Fact: Sometimes, a spy needs to rock a nice suit. Fact: While rocking said suit, lord knows what dangers or predicaments might present themselves. If we can put a man on the moon, we can make a Kevlar-reinforced, Wi-Fi-enabled, GPS-equipped, HAZMAT-ready battle-tested tuxedo / suit.

2. Mechanical Alligator Disguises: If Octopussy taught us anything (apart from how to secretly switch a real Faberge egg with a fake one), it’s that the only way to secretly infiltrate a feminist military stronghold is with a mechanical alligator disguise. I have to believe that scenario will only become more and more prevalent in the future.

1. A Badass Ride: Batman has the Batmobile. James Bond has had a wealth of stunning Aston Martins and an iconic Lotus Esprit. Hell, Tony Stark even has an Audi R8 that I’m sure packs some decent tech. Make it silent, make it deadly, make it unbelievably fast, make it the scourge of terrorists and ne’er-do-wells… just make it.

Friday Throwdown! Barack Obama vs. Guardian!

I have to admit I’ve been feeling both patriotic as a Canadian and a little jealous of the rock star status of U.S. President Barack Obama lately. As a nation, Canada is the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas. Canada is socially and geographically diverse yet tightly knit; bound together physically by railways and highways and spiritually by health care, hockey, humour (spelt with a “u”, no less) and whatever the opposite of hubris is.

Despite all we have as Canadians, the one thing we do not have is an iconic leader. We certainly have in the past but right now, this is our Prime Minister:


I was considering pitting Canadian Prime Minister (and kitten lover) Steven Harper against U.S. President (and badass) Barack Obama in this week’s Friday Throwdown but what’s the point? Obama’s too busy firing General Motors executives and ordering Navy Seals to kill pirates to bother fighting so far below his weight class. Obviously, Obama needs a worthy adversary from north of the 49th parallel.

So, with that in mind, let’s get to it and introduce this week’s combatants for Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Friday Throwdown!

Guardian!


Barack Obama!


Seriously, who did you think was going to represent Canada going toe-to-toe with Obama? Keanu Reeves? (Admittedly, that would be funny, but still.)

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get it on!

REAL NAME:

Guardian’s real name is James MacDonald Hudson, which may well be the most hilarious, overly Canadian name ever created. Stat with James, then add the last name of Canada’s first prime Minister, then finish it off with the name of the company (Hudson’s Bay Company) that helped with the founding of the frickin’ country. It would be like naming an American naming his son James Lincoln Cowboy.

Barack Obama’s real name is Barack Hussein Obama II. Unlike Fox “News”, I don’t bring up his full name to create imaginary ties to anything un-American. I honestly don’t know how those guys sleep at night… right, Steven Stalin Hitler Harper II? Anyway, I just bring up his full name to point out it is nowhere near as cool as James MacDonald Hudson.


Advantage: Guardian. (Way to go, James Hockey Puck Timbit Socialized Medicine MacDonald Hudson!)

VOCATIONAL HISTORY:

While working for the American-Canadian Petro-Chemical Company in Canada, Hudson designed an armored suit for the purposes of geological exploration. After realizing his boss wanted to sell the suit to the military, Hudson left the company and took the suit, the designs and his boss’ secretary with him. Inspired by the Fantastic Four, Hudson helped create Canada’s first superhero team, Alpha Flight!

After graduating from Columbia University and Harvard Law School, Obama worked as a civil rights attorney in Chicago and taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School. Obama served in the Illinois State Senate and then the U.S. Senate before becoming the U.S. President. Presumably, Obama accomplished all of this so he’d have the authority to kill pirates.


Advantage: Guardian. (Sorry, Obama. Being leader of the free world is all well and good, but quitting your job, taking the hot-librarian-looking secretary with you and then starting Alpha Flight makes you a gent and a G.)

FRIENDS & TEAMMATES:

Guardian formed Alpha Flight, which initially consisted of an amphibious Newfoundlander (Marrina), a gay speedster and his multiple personality disorder sister (Northstar and Aurora), a hairy dwarf (Puck), a First Nations medicine man (Shaman), an Inuit demi-goddess (Snowbird), a brilliant sasquatch (Sasquatch) and Guardian’s secretary-turned-wife-turned-super-heroine Heather MacNeil Hudson.

Obama has his cabinet, including an ice queen and former political adversary (Hilary Clinton) and a man incapable of internal monologue (Joe Biden); his family, including an adorable new member / Portuguese water dog (Bo-Bama); as well as legions of would-be friends, well-wishers and admirers from around the globe.


Advantage: Guardian. (You did see “brilliant sasquatch” and “hairy dwarf” among Guardian’s friends, right? That one was over before it started, no matter how cute the Obama puppy is.)

OUTFIT OF CHOICE:

Guardian likes to rock a high-tech battlesuit of his own design. Utilizing the earth’s electromagnetic field, the suit grants Guardian superhuman strength as well as the ability to fly, shoot concussion blasts and shield himself from danger. Oh yeah, it also looks like the mother-fucking Canadian flag.

Obama likes to rock designer suits designed by Hart Schaffner Marx. Utilizing merino wool and cashmere, the suit grants Obama the ability to look cool while addressing the nation or meeting with foreign leaders.


Advantage: Guardian. (I did mention his suit is basically a flying Canadian flag, right?)

MOST RECENT APPEARANCE:

The last time Guardian was seen, he was dead as Julius Caesar, collapsed in the snow following an unseen battle with… actually, forget it. It’s not even worth talking about. Stupid Brian Michael Bendis.

The last time Obama was seen, he was being honest and forthright about the state of the U.S. economy and was also outlining his plan for the development of world-class, 200 mph super-trains in California.


Advantage: Obama. (Well played, Obama. Well played.)

FINAL SCORECARD:

Guardian: 4
Obama: 1

Don’t feel bad, Mr. President. The past may belong to Guardian but the future belongs to you.

The Beatles: Rock Band (aka why I will soon be broke)

At long last, Harmonix, music-based video-game developer extraordinaire, is starting to release details about the upcoming The Beatles: Rock Band. In case you’ve been in a Sunny von Bülow-type coma for nearly five decades, here’s the “For Dummies” version of why that is exciting:


The Beatles are four guys from Liverpool, England, who revolutionized pop music and the fainting threshold of teeny boppers from 1960 to 1970.

Rock Band is a four-instrument, music-based video game from Harmonix that revolutioned just how inept amatuer drummers could be from 2007 to present.

As for the actual details of The Beatles: Rock Band that have been released, Harmonix is still holding back on the good stuff – like the track list or even number of tracks. However, that’s not to say Harmonix didn’t leak some interesting details:

1. The release date is 09/09/09.


I’m not sure of the significance of the number, but I have to assume it is because the number of the devil is 666 so something as obviously awesome as The Beatles: Rock Band would have to be a bigger / opposite number.

2. The special edition is $249.99!?


We’re talking $249.99 U.S. funds. Not Canadian funds. Not pesos or fucking rubles, but U.S. funds. Admittedly, the limited edition “premium bundle” includes the game, a Höfner bass inspired by the one McCartney used, Ludwig-branded drums (with classic pearl finish and replica Beatle kick-drum head) as well as a mic and stand. Still. Ouch. I’ve only got so many organs and body fluids to sell, Harmonix.

3. “The Beatles: Rock Band will allow fans to… experience The Beatles’ extraordinary catalogue of music… that takes players on a journey through the legacy and evolution of the band’s legendary career.” – MTV press release


Hmmm… what’s the phrase I’m looking for here? Oh yeah, I remember now: Fuck yeah! That part of the press release makes it seem as though there will be something of a narrative or timeline to enjoy. If we get to start off playing at The Cavern Club and make our way to The Ed Sullivan Show and beyond, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. (Let’s just hope Yoko and Mark David Chapman are nowhere to be seen.)

Damn Dirty Hippies

Pirates vs. U.S. Navy: Not a fair fight... but still awesome!

As you may have heard, pirates are back in the news these days. Oddly, the pirates in question are not metrosexual, Keith Richards-based box-office pirates but actual living, breathing, thieving pirates of the sea.


Based out of Somalia, these specific pirates recently found themselves taking centre stage after a run-in with Capt. Richard Phillips, the crew of the Maersk Alabama merchant ship and… here’s the kicker… mother-fuckin’ US Navy Seals.

Here’s the 30-second version of what happened:

Wednesday, April 8th: Four Somali pirates use grappling hooks to board the Alabama. Capt. Phillips surrenders himself to keep his crew safe and is taken to a lifeboat by the pirates.

Thursday, April 9th: The USS Bainbridge, an honest-to-goodness US Navy destroyer, is on the way. The crew of the Alabama – coached by FBI agents – attempts to negotiate with the pirates.

Friday, April 10th: Capt. Phillips makes a break for it and jumps into the ocean to try to swim to the USS Bainbridge. One of the pirates fires an automatic weapon, forcing Phillips to return to the lifeboat. The USS Halyburton (which carries helicopters) and the USS Boxer (which can fucking launch missiles) show up.

Saturday, April 11th: U.S. President Barack Obama authorizes the use of military force to rescue Capt. Phillips.


Sunday, April 12th: One of the pirates surrenders but negotiations with the remaining three pirates are not going well. Capt. Phillips was tied up and had a gun aimed at him. On the deck of the USS Bainbridge about 25 to 30 metres away from the lifeboat, three Navy snipers – that had secretly parachuted in – each fired a single bullet, killing the three remaining pirates and freeing Capt. Phillips.

Ok, so that’s what happened.

First off… Fuck yeah! I mean, come on, that is fucking awesome! Let’s be clear here. I’m a liberal Canadian with a pretty disdainful view of U.S. foreign policy. If someone were to call me a socialist or a peacenik, I wouldn’t argue – as long as they didn’t call me a damn dirty hippie. That being said, three Navy sharpshooters parachuted in, took their position on a boat in open water, accounted for the movement of both boats, then simultaneously took three successful shots from about a hundred feet away. That is badass no matter what country you call home.

Obviously, I am not the only one who thinks this whole US-Navy-Seals-vs-Somali-Pirates thing is pretty wild. According to NPR, cable network Spike TV just has announced a deal to produce – with the cooperation of the U.S. Navy – a show about U.S. Navy pirate hunters.


If there is a God, the cast from 1990’s Navy Seals will reunite to host the show because the only thing cooler that a show about pirate hunters is a show about pirate hunters hosted by Charlie Sheen in ‘90s wannabe badass mode. The only thing I can’t decide is the title. Pirate Hunters? Navy Seals: Pirate Hunters? When Pirates Explode? Either way, it’s sure to be the feel good hit of the season for Americans tired of wars they can’t win. (Note to the producers at Spike TV: You’re welcome.)

Suck it, Italian Renaissance.

Obviously, I am a geek. That much should be abundantly clear by now. That being said, I also have a decent education and marginally impressive knowledge of the world outside of pop culture and geek-dom. 30 Rock-style “backdoor bragging” aside, the whole point of sharing this was to admit that as much as I feel I should, I just can’t get as excited about high-brow culture as I can about pop culture.

I first experienced this phenomenon as a child. Toronto has some wonderful art galleries as well as the pretty damn awesome Royal Ontario Museum and even my hometown has a nice little modern art gallery. However, the first time I really felt gobsmacked by seeing original works of art was on a family vacation to California after we stumbled across an art gallery showcasing Batman artwork, much of it by Batman creator Bob Kane.



I’m not sure if it was amazing to me because I could understand the fluidity and gracefulness and starkness of it all in a context (Batman being a total badass) that was familiar to me… or if it was just amazing because nobody in a Monet painting ever punched someone in the face. Anyway, to this day, that art gallery showing remains one of the coolest things I have ever seen.

In the last week or so, a few things have come up which got me to thinking of that Batman art and how thrilling it was. First, there was a news item from the BBC that a James Bond museum is opening up in England. To be honest, I’m surprised it took this long for that to happen. The museum has the tank from GoldenEye, the gun from The Man with the Golden Gun and – best of all – the Lotus Esprit Turbo / submarine from The Spy Who Loved Me. If you think that car didn’t blow my young mind the first time I saw that movie, you’re crazy.


The second reason I’ve been reminiscing about the awesomeness of original Batman art is the fact that my wife and I are planning a trip to Belgium, the Netherlands and Germany. We’ll have the opportunity to see some absolutely breath-taking artwork and architecture. I know that while we are in Bruges (where I’ll be hard pressed not to pull Colin Farrell’s whole “one gay beer for me gay friend and one normal beer for me… cause I’m normal” routine from In Bruges), we’ll have the chance to see the only Michelangelo sculpture (Madonna and Child) to ever leave Italy.


Potential Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jokes aside; it will be great to see something created by one of the masters of the Italian Renaissance. Despite being surrounded by opportunities to immerse myself in that area of Europe’s history and culture, I have to admit I’m even more excited about three things:

1. The beer.



Seriously, Michelangelo has nothing on some of Belgium’s Trappist monks when it comes to creating works of staggering genius.


2. The Belgian Centre for Comic Strip Art.



You know who are mental about comic strips? The Belgians. Seriously, Tintin and Snowy are national treasures… like Wayne Gretzky and The Stanley Cup to Canadians or Barack Obama and “these colors don’t run” bumper stickers to Americans.

3. The Nurburgring, specifically, the Nordschleife (North Loop).


The Nurburgring is one of the most demanding race tracks in the world. Over the years, it has become the stuff of legend and has bested, intimidated and even killed some of the best drivers in the world. Oh yeah, it’s also nicknamed “The Green Hell”.

So in the end, I guess it just comes down to the fact that I can see beauty in a painting or sculpture or medieval church… but I can see even more beauty in a brilliant beer, ground-breaking comic or demonic race track. Sorry, Michelangelo.