The Canadian Grammys: Useless and Stupid or Stupid and Useless?

Unless you happen to be an actual Canadian or have some sort of strange fetish for other country’s award shows, you might not know that Canada has its own version of the Grammys called the Junos. Like the Grammy Awards, the Juno Awards are handed out once a year with great fanfare, despite the fact that nobody who actually likes music cares.

Seeing as how this is the internet, I could be lying about the unimportance of the Junos. They could be awesome and I could just be some Canadian-music-hating crank who thinks the pinnacle of Canuck rock began and ended with Rush. Thankfully, I have proof the Junos, like the Grammys, are lame.

Exhibit A:


Obviously, there is no need for an Exhibit B. (And by the way, props to the Canadian banking system. Keep reachin’ for the stars, guys!)

So you know, that is the front page of my local newspaper here in good ol’ London, Ontario – and fucking Nickelback is part of the goddamn masthead today. Not only did those ass-hats get front-page coverage, the front page of the entertainment section was awash in similar douchey goodness.

(So we are clear, good bands start their names with “the”. THE Beatles. THE White Stripes. THE Hives. THE Strokes. THE Killers. THE Tragically Hip. THE J. Geils Band. Umm… that last one might just be me. Anyway, the one thing good bands do NOT start their name with is “nickel”. That’s a fact.)



Sun Media writer Darryl Sterdan explained that Nickelback, “dominated the two-hour show virtually from beginning to end, opening the broadcast with a pyro-filled performance of Something in Your Mouth from Dark Horse — the best-selling Canadian album of 2008 — and taking home the final trophy of the night for Album of the Year.”

First off, thank fucking God my wife and I were watching The Simpsons and Amazing Race, as actually witnessing 120 minutes dominated by Nickelback might have sent me off on a murderous rampage, which is very un-Canadian. Secondly, here are some of the lyrics from Something in Your Mouth:

I love the way you dance with anybody
(The way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb

You're so much cooler when you never pull it out
'Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth

Crafty little lip tricks, tattoos on her left hip
She's bending as you're spending, there's no end to it, so baby come on!

Sadly, the words just don’t do it justice. It is so much better with crappy guitar work and a kick drum emphasizing just how cute she looks *BOOM, BOOM* with something in her mouth.



So, rather than celebrating actual songsmiths, musicians or artists, the Junos did the exact opposite. I hope you enjoy your Junos when you’re burning in Hell, Nickelback.