Fall is marked by the slew of Oscar-worthy fare… spring and winter are dumping grounds for lower-budget romances, comedies and the occasional gem of a less mainstream genre flick… but summer is that special time when a young geek’s mind turns to explosions, heroes, villains and all manner of mechanical and fantastical imagery.
This year, the summer movie season is kicked off today’s release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. To celebrate the semi-official start of summer and Wolverine’s return to the big screen after one great film (X2), one promising start (X-Men) and one silly romp (X-Men: The Last Stand), Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to pit Wolverine against wolverines, with the winner earning the right to use the name with pride.
Let’s meet the contestants!
Wolverine (also known as Logan or James Howlett)
Wolverines (also known as Gulo gulo or G. g. luscus)
And with that, let’s get it on!
FIRST APPEARANCES:
Wolverine first appeared in the final teaser panel of The Incredible Hulk #180 (October, 1974) and made his real debut in the following issue, battling the Hulk on behalf of the Canadian government.
Records of wolverines in the Upper Midwest United States show they pre-date human settlement in the area.
Advantage: Wolverine! (Pre-dating the dawn of man is one thing, but going toe-to-toe with the Hulk your first time out puts you on a whole different level.)
ANATOMY:
Wolverine is a short, stocky Caucasian male with brown fur covering his arms and frequently-exposed chest as well as large sideburns and upturned, mustache-waxed hair. Perhaps most distinctively, Wolverine has retractable Adamantium claws. He has been known to give off the odour of beer, cigars and machismo, giving rise to the nickname “my uncle from Canada”.
Wolverines are stocky and muscular animals, with sharp claws, strong jaws and long, dense, brown fur with stripes of dull yellow along the sides. In appearance, wolverines resemble small bears with a long tails. They have been known to give off a very strong, extremely unpleasant odor, giving rise to the nickname "skunk bear".
Advantage: Wolverine! (Sideburns can make all the difference in the world, right Brandon Walsh and Dylan McKay?)
COMMUNICATIONS:
Wolverine tends to communicate through primitive grunts and short verbal outbursts often involving the use of the word “bub”. As a sign of intense aggression or self defense, Wolverine will often just rely upon the following simple sound to communicate his emotions: “snikt”.
Wolverines communicate through vocalizations and scent marking. Chemical communication is accomplished via scent marking with urine and abdominal rubbing. Although wolverines have well developed anal musk glands, musking appears to be used primarily as a fear-defense mechanism.
Advantage: Wolverine! (Well-developed anal musk glands are all well and good, but can’t compete with “bub” or “snikt”.)
FRIENDS AND ENEMIES:
Having lived since the 19th century, Wolverine has had more than his fair share of time to make friends and enemies. Despite the fact that he is often thought of as a loner, Wolverine also joins more teams and makes more guest appearances than a hyperactive sorority girl and Martha Stewart combined. Consider every hero in the Marvel Universe his friend and every villain his enemy.
Unlike their comic-book counter-part, wolverines tend to keep a pretty low profile and can often be found alone or in pairs during mating season. Wolverines have no natural predators but consider pretty much anything with a heartbeat to be their enemy or a possible source of food.
Advantage: Wolverine! (Sorry, wolverines, but being a ferocious, carnivorous little son of a bitch tends to lessen your social circle.)
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
Beyond the aforementioned claws, Wolverine also possesses an Adamantium-laced skeleton; super-human senses, strength, agility, stamina, reflexes and longevity; as well as a regenerative healing capacity that basically means the only way to kill him would be to chop off his head and FedEx it half way around the world. Finally, Wolverine has been known to break into song and dance, but only for the Oscars.
Wolverines are remarkably strong for their size and have been known to kill prey as large as moose. Armed with powerful jaws, sharp claws and thick hides, wolverines may defend kills against larger or more numerous predators and have been known to harass and attempt to intimidate wolves and cougars.
Advantage: Wolverines! (Harassing cougars can be dangerous business, as any nightclub bouncer would know.)
FINAL SCORECARD:
Wolverine: 4
Wolverines: 1
Congratulations to our hairy Canadian champion, Wolverine! Have fun kicking off the summer movie season and disappointing fan-boys everywhere, Wolvie!
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