Friday Throwdown! Bauer vs. Shephard!Aka: The Great Jack-Off!

In the last installment of Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Friday Throwdown, we witnessed Dwight Schrute narrowly edging out The Man Without Fear, Daredevil, for the inaugural Friday Throwdown crown.

This time out, we’ll be pitting two cultural icons against each other in a battle to see who the greatest Jack of all is:

24’s Jack Bauer

Lost’s Jack Shephard!

The winner of this battle can lay claim to being “The Reason Why North America Will Soon Be Overrun by Jacks”. Think that’s hyperbole? The power of the internet says otherwise, my friend. Check it out:

See? Jack Bauer was unleashed upon the population in 2001. Jack Shephard made his first appearance in 2004. Since those years, there has been a steady increase in the number of baby Jacks being born. By looking at the graph from the fascinating, time-wasting Name Voyager, Pop Culture A.D.D. can come to only one conclusion: by the year 2023, every baby boy born in North America will be named Jack… and for good reason. If Jack Bauer and Jack Shephard have taught us anything, it’s that if you want to live a long life despite continually being in wildly dangerous situations, your name had better be Jack.

So, with bragging rights for being the impetus behind entire generations of Jacks on the line, let the Friday Throwdown begin!

Backgrounds:

Jack Bauer went to UCLA prior to getting his Master of Science in Criminology and Law from UC Berkeley. After school, Bauer went on to work for the U.S. Army (Delta Force and Coral Snake), L.A.P.D. SWAT, the CIA and CTU.

Jack Shephard attended Columbia University before graduating at the head of his medical school class. After school, Shephard went to work for St. Sebastian Hospital in L.A. as a spinal surgeon (with time off to be a man-whore and punching bag in Phuket, Thailand).

Advantage: Jack Bauer. (Jack Shephard simply can’t compete against all those acronyms.)

Family:

The son of a freakishly tall former pig farmer, Jack Bauer was married to Terri Bauer and had one daughter, Kim Bauer. Terri Bauer was murdered at the hands of Nina Myers, who had been intimate with Jack Bauer while he and his wife were separated. Kim Bauer may possibly have the worst luck of any female on the planet.

The son of an alcoholic Red Sox fan, Jack Shephard married a former patient of his, Sarah, after helping her recover from a broken back. Sarah went on to cheat on Jack Shephard before leaving him. Unbeknownst to Jack, he is also the half-brother of Aussie hottie Claire Littleton and the uncle of kidnapping target Aaron Littleton.


Advantage: Draw. (Way to rock that Shakespearian tragedy, fellas.)

Friends:

Jack Bauer's best friends include Tony Almeida (deceased), Michelle Dessler (deceased) and President David Palmer (deceased).

Jack Shephard’s friends include a handful of hotties (Kate Austen, Dr. Juliet Burke, Sun Kwon), a former member of the Iraqi National Guard (Sayid Jarrah), a millionaire (Hugo “Hurley” Reyes) and a possibly deceased, formerly wheelchair-bound survivalist and ass-kicker (John Locke).



Advantage: Jack Shephard. (Remind us never to become friends with Jack Bauer.)

Love Interests:

Since his wife was murdered, Jack Bauer has been involved with Kate Warner and, more recently, Audrey Raines. (Sadly for Jack, the awesomeness of Audrey is balanced by the lameness of Kate… and we won’t even talk about him making out with Nina Myers.)

Since his wife left him, Jack Shephard has knocked boots with the skanky-yet-exotic Achara in Thailand, shown interest in the uber-pouty and thankfully deceased Ana Lucia Cortez, developed a relationship with Dr. Juliet Burke and formed a will-they-or-won’t-they relationship with Kate Austen. (Sadly for Jack, Kate vents her sexual frustrations with the island’s resident bad boy, Sawyer.)

Advantage: Jack Shephard. (We love Audrey, but come on, we’re only human.)

Special Skills:

Jack Bauer: Listing the Special Skills of Jack Bauer would cause the internet to crash harder than Nick Nolte at the wheel of a Ferrari Enzo. Since we have no interest in stopping the worldwide flow of pornography and comic book blogs, we’ll just list two: saying “damnit!” and breaking necks.

Jack Shephard: Performing miracle surgery, scheming against The Others, growing stubble, catching footballs, running stairs, ratting out drunk family members, seeing dead people, making motivational speeches, being a man of science, saving evil masterminds and rocking sleeveless t-shirts.



Advantage: Jack Bauer. (Come on. He can run up a concrete stadium tunnel wall to break a neck… who are we to argue with that?)

Final Scorecard:

Jack Bauer: 2.5
Jack Shephard 2.5

Considering our love for both Jacks at Pop Culture A.D.D., we would be fine leaving this one a well-fought draw. However, with bragging rights for future baby Jacks on the line, we don’t want to leave anything up in the air, so we’ll have to go to a tiebreaker.

Tiebreaker: Memorable Quote

Jack Bauer: “Let’s get one thing straight. The only reason you are conscious right now is because I don’t feel like carrying you.”

And with that little gem, this contest is over before Jack Shephard gets to say a word.

Congratulations to our latest champion, the neck-breakingest, damnit-sayingest, ass-kickingest, platform-shoe-wearingest Jack in the world, Jack Bauer.

That's right, Jack, show the world who's boss.

Unsolved Mystery No. 1,587,514: Who is Jacob?

Two words: Awe. Some.

In ramping up for Season Three’s upcoming finale, Lost has once again proven that it is the Brian Flanagan of the TV world, expertly blending and mixing different intoxicants to make one heck of a drink.

Two ounces mystery + two ounces drama + one ounce suspense, shaken liberally and served with John Locke = Awesome.

Before we get to the main event and give odds on just who the mysterious Jacob might be, let’s spend a moment looking at exactly why the episode titled "The Man Behind The Curtain" rocked our fuckin’ socks off: (Spoilers ahoy!)

• The Master of Disaster, the Prince of Pain, the King of Cool, John Locke. Watching him beat up Russians, verbally bitch slap creepy island dictators and just generally kick ass is more fun than should be allowed by the F.C.C. Sorry about the bullet to the gut, Johnny. Pop Culture A.D.D. wishes you a speedy recovery.
  
  
• The fantabulous return of Jack Shephard. Looks like we have some catching up to do, indeed. When asked if we are “Jack people” or “Sawyer people”, Pop Culture A.D.D. has always and proudly answered with the former – and that’s why it was so great to see a return of Jack as the heroic “man with the plan”. Welcome back, Jack.
  
  
• The Haunted House. Could last night’s episode have caused a mini-Baby Boom? Even if it didn’t, we are pretty sure it caused couples all across North America to cuddle together on the couch and hold hands while Jack and Ben visited Lost’s version of The Shrieking Shack.

Speaking of the Haunted House, it’s time to talk about the latest mystery offered up by The Island… the identity of a certain now-you-see-him-now-you-don’t crony of Ben’s by the name of Jacob. Since those lazy odds-makers in Vegas are too busy with the NBA playoffs, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our own odds on Jacob’s identity.

1,000,000 to 1: Casper the Friendly Ghost.

The ghost part makes sense, but Jacob seemed a little less than friendly, so this one is a long-shot.

100,000 to 1: Jack Skellington.


We’re talkin’ corporate synergy here, people! Disney owns ABC and knows they have a valuable property in Jack Skellington, so before they spruce up the old Haunted House theme ride for Halloween, why not give ol’ Jack some free publicity?

1,000 to 1: Howard Hughes.

If the jars of yellow and red liquid are any indication, the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 might just get off the Island on the Spruce Goose thanks to Hughes, who, truthfully or not, is known to have collected jars of his own urine.

100 to 1: L. Frank Baum.

If anyone is truly “The Man Behind The Curtain”, it is L. Frank Baum, who wrote the 1900 children’s book The Wizard of Oz. Perhaps he is back from the dead and rightfully pissed off about The Wiz.

10 to 1: Roger Workman (Linus).

You’d think that Roger would be happy that even after death, he gets to sit around with a beer. However, if anyone can carry a grudge and be generally unpleasant to be around – and with good, Shakespearian reason – it’s him.

1 to 1: J.C.

Without trying to be too blasphemous, J.C. does seem to fit the bill. Appears only to those who are worthy? Check. Inspires hushed tones of reverence among his followers? Check. Suffered? Check. Possesses the power to heal? Check. Not big on technology? Check. Curly brown hair and beard? Check. (Admittedly, we’re not sure why you’d need a hand gun to visit J.C., but hey, we don’t expect lucidity from Alex Rousseau.)

(Screen capture of Jacob from Lost Screencaps and Easter Eggs. Keep up the good work, guys!)

Friday Throwdown! Daredevil vs. Dwight Schrute!

In an effort to finish the week with a flourish, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our first installment of Friday Throwdown. This week, we’ll be pitting two formidable foes – and two geek icons – against each other.


Representing Marvel Comics, we have the blind lawyer vigilante from Hell’s Kitchen himself, Matthew Murdock, also known as Daredevil.


Representing The Office and Dunder Mifflin, we have the former Assistant to the Regional Manager in Scranton, Dwight Schrute, aka Rainn Wilson.


Let the throwdown begin!

First Appearances:

Daredevil first appeared in April, 1964’s Daredevil #1, sporting yellow and red tights (made from his father’s boxing robe) and beating the tar out of a group of four thugs.

Dwight Schrute first appeared in March, 2005’s premiere of the U.S. version of The Office, fighting over potential safety violations and Jell-o encased staplers with Jim Halpert.

Advantage: Daredevil.

Origins:

After saving an older blind man from an oncoming truck, young Matthew Murdock was exposed to radioactive chemicals that were thrown from the truck, rendering him blind and enhancing his other senses.

Dwight Schrute was originally a twin, but “resorbed” his twin while still in the womb, giving him the strength of a grown man and a baby.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.

Outfits:

Ever since issue #7, Daredevil has (usually) rocked a red costume with an interlocking “DD” logo on his chest and little horns sticking out of his cowl. In his day job, Matthew Murdock wears the tailored suits that are de rigeur for the Marvel Universe’s most famous attorney.

Dwight Schrute is usually seen in a charming short-sleeve shirt and tie combo with a dark gray-brown suit, large glasses and Casio calculator watch. However, he has also sported the tuxedo his grandfather was buried in – and keeps an extra pair of Birkenstock sandals in his car for “special occasions”.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.

Special Abilities:

Daredevil possesses the strength, speed, agility and endurance -- not to mention the acrobatic and gymnastic skills -- of an Olympic-level athlete. He is also a master of a unique martial art form, which is a hybridized form of American boxing and the Japanese arts of ninjutsu, judo and aiki-jujutsu. Beyond his heightened sense of taste, touch, smell and hearing, Daredevil also has a “radar” sense.

Dwight is trained in the art of surveillance and possesses a purple belt in goju-ryu karate. As a "hero", Dwight wakes up in the morning with mass quantities of anger and has trained himself in a wide array of weapons, including laser tag guns. Finally, Dwight Schrute is also able to raise and lower his cholesterol at will.

Advantage: Daredevil.

Weapons:

Daredevil carries a billy club that is disguised as a blind man’s cane when he is in his civilian guise. The billy club contains thirty feet of aircraft control cable attached to a hardened steel grapple. He is also adept in the use of all manner of weapons used by ninjas and often carries two fighting batons.

Apart from his skills with the previously mentioned laser tag guns, Dwight Schrute is also an expert marksman with paintball guns. Beyond that, he is skilled with a variety of weapons, including cross bows, bo staffs, samurai swords, nun-chucks, throwing stars, stun guns and, of course, pepper spray.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.

Adversaries:

While his nemesis is Wilson Fisk, also known as the Kingpin, Daredevil's adversaries also include a veritable who’s who of murderers, psychopaths and all-around bad dudes – including Bullseye, The Owl, Stilt-Man, Gladiator, Jester and even Doctor Doom himself on rare occasions.

Dwight Schrute has a sometime adversarial relationship with his boss and mentor, Michael Scott. Run-ins with Michael Scott include a fire extinguisher “hazing” and a brutal battle in a dojo. However, his true nemesis is none other than Jim Halpert, who delights in hatching nefarious schemes to torment him.

Advantage: Daredevil.

Love lives:


Currently married to the blind-and-beautiful Milla Donovan, Daredevil’s love life has been nothing short of astounding... and heart-breaking. The love of his life, Karen Page, was murdered by Bullseye, while other women in his life – including Heather Glenn and Glorianna O’Brien – have met tragic fates of their own. Daredevil is nothing if not a ladies’ man and has shown his "billy club" to the likes of super-hotties Elektra and Black Widow.

Dwight Schrute is currently dating his co-worker, Angela Martin, an uptight, incredibly petite blonde who heads up Dunder Mifflin’s accounting department – although Dwight Schrute has stated that the fictitious anime character Konikotaka is his ideal woman.

Advantage: Daredevil.

Transportation:

Daredevil uses the grappling hook attachment of his billy club to traverse the rooftops of Hell’s Kitchen.

Dwight Schrute uses a maroon 1987 Pontiac Trans Am that gets eight miles per gallon to traverse the mean streets of Scranton, Ohio.

Advantage: Dwight Schrute.


Final Scorecard:

Daredevil: 4
Dwight Schrute: 4

Wow. We really didn’t see that one coming. To put an end to this battle of champions, we are going to have to go to a tie-breaker.

Origin of Name:


Daredevil's name comes from the fact that the bullies of Hell's Kitchen used to call him "daredevil" when he was a bookish, passive young boy.


According to the man himself, Dwight stands for Dedicated, Worker, Intense, Good Worker, Hard Worker, Terrific.


Advantage: Dwight Schrute.


Congratulations to the winner of Pop Culture A.D.D.’s first-ever Friday Throwdown:

Dwight Schrute!

Hell Never Looked So Good

Last night's episode of Lost was a good one -- with the highlight being the fact that the writers didn't shy away from having Sawyer Jr. give Sawyer Sr. the old chain-for-a-necktie treatment.

As good as the episode was, one can't help but feel that the writers of the show are having a little fun at the expense of the fans. I'm referring, of course, to the fact that it was once again implied that the survivors of Oceanic flight 815 were not survivors at all and that they are all as dead as Julius Caesar.

The theory that the island is really purgatory, limbo or hell has been around just about as long as the show itself. While fans of the show would love to be given some answers, there is no way "it's a little hot for heaven" is anything other than a red herring.

To prove that point, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to offer the following list of reasons why Lost can't possibly be set in Hell:

In Hell, Anna Lucia would be alive and annoying the crap out of me.

In Hell, you can't sit around with your friends having a beer.

In Hell, the days don't resemble a Hawaiian golf getaway.

In Hell, you don't get to drive around in a VW van like this one.

The No. 1 reason why Lost can't possibly be set in Hell?

In Hell, ain't no way the women look like this.

Iron Man Looks Like Money, Baby

Entertainment Weekly broke some pretty cool Marvel-based news today by posting the first official picture of what ol' Shellhead is going to look like in Jon Favreau's upcoming Iron Man motion picture.

To my eyes, it looks like a nice little amalgam of the classic red-and-gold Iron Man and Ultimate Iron Man. The fact that Robert Downey Jr. will be playing Tony Stark / Iron Man is more exciting than this picture... but it is still pretty sweet.

To celebrate this latest bit of geeky goodness, here are a few lines of dialogue Pop Culture A.D.D. would like to hear in the movie:

• That's not a repulsor ray... THAT is a repulsor ray!
• Am I in Malibu?! What do you mean this isn't my bed?
• Civil War? Umm... never heard of it.
• Tony the Iron Man! What's your favorite color?
• Who are you calling a fascist dickhead?
• That was so fucking money. That was like the Jedi-mind-shit!
• I'll show you a 12-step program!
• Have I lost my mind? Can I see or am I blind?
• You most certainly do NOT recognize me from Ally McBeal.
• Has anyone seen my Thor clone?
• Daaaaaaaaaamn! That is one fine malt liquor.
• What do you mean you didn't see Kiss Kiss Bang Bang?

Dr. Sorethumb or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the (Video) Game

Comics have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. My older brother collected comics and as his younger sibling, it was my God-given right to annoy him by "borrowing" his things when he wasn't around. I might have received the occasional Indian sunburn or bruised shoulder as retribution but it was all worth it.

The other aspect of my Geekdom that was the direct result of my family is my love of video games. My childhood memories are littered with Atari logos, cassette drives, dot matrix printers, BASIC programs and arguments over high scores in Frogger. My eventual case of Nintendicitis all started with this glorious machine:

Before I move on to the actual point of this post, I feel I would be remiss if I didn't point out two things:

• There are probably toothbrushes with more than 8 kB of RAM these days but back then we were literally in awe of the raw power of our Atari 400. It seemed like the even-more-powerful Atari 800 must have been used to coordinate nuclear attacks or beat Russian chess champions.


• "You don't have to be a genius to use one." While that marketing slogan seems pretty quaint and funny now, it was totally true. You didn't need to be a genius... you just needed the patience of a fucking saint.

Now that I'm done with my little trip down memory lane, it's time to get to the actual point of this post. I love me some video games. Always have. I have wasted (and continue to waste) countless hours controlling everything from a knight riding an ostrich to a bandicoot riding a polar bear.

I have shunned family, shirked responsibilities and ostracized friends... and the following is a list of the games that helped me do it. Keep in mind that this list is based solely on my experiences. Your results may vary. Without further ado:

Pop Culture A.D.D.'s Top-10 Video Games of All-Time

10. Pac-Man (Atari 400)

Close your eyes. Think of Pac-Man. Now listen. I guarantee you hear one of three things:

• Pac-Man dying (bwoo-bwoo-bwoo)
• Pac-Man eating (wacca-wacca-wacca-wacca)
• Pac-man theme music (du-du-du-du-du, du-du-du-du-du, du-du-du-du-du, do-duh-lee do-duh-lee do!)

Along with the uber-addictive gameplay and lame-but-awesome cartoon show, those sounds are all the reason I need to add Pac-Man to this list. Before we move on, check out the crazy cover art below. If you ever wanted to know what Pac-Man would look like as a beaver dressed to play basketball in 1981, now you know.

9. Sonic the Hedgehog (Genesis)

Sonic may not have turned into the iconic counterpoint to Mario that Sega hoped he would be, but he is still alive and spinning -- and his first adventure is a classic. The speed of the game was downright mind-blowing. Anyone who didn't freak out the first time they saw Sonic do a super-fast loop-de-loop is no friend of mine.

8. Marvel Ultimate Alliance (PS2)

Oh, Marvel Ultimate Alliance, you had me at hello. There are a million reasons to love this game and any self-respecting Marvel fan already knows them. For the record, my two favorite reasons are Mjolnir and Daredevil rocking his old-school yellow-and-black duds.

7. Mario Cart 64 (N64)

This game was created by Mephistopheles himself. At first glance, it's all cute and fun... but before you know it, you're ready to strangle your best friend with the cord of your controller for dropping back in the race just to be able to unleash the fury of a spikey blue shell on your ass.

6. Gran Turismo 2 (PS)

The setting? My apartment during my first year of college. The occasion? The copy of GT2 I had ordered from the Sears outlet in my building had finally arrived. The result? A coffee table littered with empty cans of Old Milwaukee. My girlfriend asking me if I was ever going to come to bed. Me frantically trying to harness the ridiculous oversteer of a (stupid) Dodge Viper while trying to earn my A-class license. The lesson? Any game that can cause you to seriously consider dropping out of college belongs on this list.

5. Tetris (Gameboy)

I don't know why, but this game NEVER got better than when it was at its simple best on the original Gameboy. Possibly the most addictive game in the history of mankind, sometimes I hear the siren song of its Russian theme music in my sleep. From Russia with fun, indeed.

4. Ratchet and Clank (PS2)

This spot on the list is a tie between every member of the PS2 Ratchet and Clank family: Ratchet and Clank, Going Commando and Up Your Arsenal. For the purposes of this post (and my life in general), we are going to pretend that Ratchet: Deadlocked never happened. The good people at Insomniac Games earned their name with this series. I don't even know where to begin when it comes to discussing how awesome Ratchet and Clank is, so I'll just go all 30 Rock on it and say this: I love Ratchet and Clank so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

3. Super Mario Bros. (NES)

The game that forever changed the lives of an entire generation. There is nothing else to say.

2. Joust (Atari 400)

If you've never played Joust, you've never truly lived. Not only was it WILDLY addictive and entertaining, it also encouraged two-player, competitive mayhem. Most memorably, Joust blew my mind with its absolutely insane premise. You want High Concept? How's this for High Concept? Good knights riding ostriches grab a lance and face off against evil knights riding buzzards in an effort to destroy them... and their eggs... while avoiding lava... and pterodactyls.

1. God of War (PS2)

While I don't love the idea of having such a new game take the top spot on an all-time list, there is simply no denying God of War and its main character, Kratos. Part Maximus Decimus Meridius, part Jason Vorhees, part Dirk Diggler, Kratos is a pantheon-level video game character. The epic story of God of War is more memorable (and better looking) than most movies I have seen. For being groin-grabbingly awesome, God of War tops the list.


BONUS COVERAGE:

You may have noticed a lack of sports-themed games on the list. You'll understand why when you check out:

Pop Culture A.D.D.'s Top-5 Sports Video Games of All-Time

5. NHLPA Hockey 94 (Genesis)
4. NHLPA Hockey 93 (Genesis)
3. NHL Hockey (Genesis)
2. NHL 95 (Genesis)
1. NHL 98 (Genesis)

Come on, I'm Canadian. What did you expect?

The (Bat) Man Who Started It All

As my first post, it is only fitting that I focus on the man who started me down the path that led me to create Pop Culture A.D.D.

This man has been a big part of so many of the memorable moments of my life.

As a child, he inspired my imagination and even my wardrobe. As an adolescent, he inspired me to go to my very first movie without my parents. As an adult, he has helped me embrace the importance of maintaining a sense of childlike wonder.

While Pop Culture A.D.D. will eventually focus on the staggering array of things that draw my attention and distract me from my work, for today, I will focus on the man who made it all possible:

That's right. Batman. The crime-fightingest, ass-kickingest, batmobile-drivingest, Gotham-livingest hero to ever don a pair of tights. Batman effectively introduced me to the power of pop culture and the mind-melting awesomeness of comics.

With that in mind, I'd like to thank:

• Bob Kane for creating a character that will outlive us all.
• My Mom for making my first cape and baking my first Batman birthday cake.
• My Dad for letting me go see Batman: The Movie while he was shopping.
• Christopher Nolan for making Batman Begins so good I cried tears of geek joy.
• Bruce Timm and Paul Dini for their amazing work on Batman: The Animated Series and Dini for the current run of Detective Comics. (Thanks for the assist, Stephen.)
• Chris Sims and his Incredible Super-Blog for proving that the internet could be used to extol the virtues of kicks to the face and car batteries as weapons.
• Rachelle Goguen and Living Between Wednesdays for showing the world that life is just better with a "Cuddle Pillow Batman".
• J. Caleb Mozzocco and Every Day Is Like Wednesday for sharing the utter joy of pirate Batman throwing down on a shark. While taking off a woman's dress. With a knife.
• Batman himself for always being there for me like a mix of The Man With No Name, Robin Hood, Sherlock Holmes and Jesus Christ.