Who’s cooler than Harry Potter? A LOT of people.

Obviously ignorant of the fact that the internet is the domain of lazy writers relying far too heavily on lists, Entertainment Weekly (EW) magazine recently put out a list of their own. They called it the “20 All-Time Coolest Heroes in Pop Culture” and it’s pretty sad that trees needed to die for this list to be born. At least online lists just kill brain cells (and sometimes hope).

Any form of “best of” or “all-time greatest” list is kind of like a first-year college co-ed lifting up her top and screaming out the words to Nine Inch Nail’s Closer before vomiting down the front of her baby T and passing out on the dance floor. Both the lists and the drunkards are morally-reprehensible, amateurish cries for help and attention – and yet, when it’s all over, you can’t help but talk about them.

To save you the time it takes to Google EW’s vomit-caked, panties-down-around-the-knees list, here it is:

1. James Bond
2. Indiana Jones
3. Superman
4. Harry Potter
5. Ellen Ripley
6. John McClane
7. Han Solo
8. Buffy The Vampire Slayer
9. Robin Hood
10. Spider-Man
11. Mad Max
12. James T. Kirk
13. Foxy Brown
14. Will Kane
15. Dirty Harry
16. Jack Bauer
17. Nancy Drew
18. Batman
19. Atticus Finch
20. Sydney Bristow

Admittedly, there are some good or even great choices on the list. That being said, there are also quite a few what-the-fuck-were-they-thinking selections. (Here’s to you, numbers 3, 4, 8, 10, 17, and 20.)



Anyway, as a card-carrying geek (Seriously, you should see the card. It is AWESOME.) armed with a blog, it is my duty to a) mock EW’s list, and b) make my own list that is superior in every way.

You suck EW! I find your list to be sub-par in many ways! I deride your list-making abilities.

Ok then, now that the mocking is out of the way, we are proud to present:

Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Top-25 Coolest Movie Characters That We Can Think Of and That You Should Totally Feel Free to Disagree With.

First off, let’s establish the guidelines for the Top-25 CMCTWCTOATYSTFFTDW: (Why is it that acronyms are always so cumbersome?)

1. Batman can’t be included. What’s the point of doing a list when the winner is a foregone conclusion? Seriously, even the kiddie, DC Super Friends version of that guy is cool beyond compare. Check it:



2. Pacifists need not apply. Sorry, The Dude from The Big Lebowski. We love you, but you’re not on the list.

3. We’re focusing on the modern age. Being born into the tail end of Generation X, I have no appreciation for anything that happened before my birth. I am also a slacker who doesn’t like being marketed to and feels an undeserving sense of entitlement. Sorry, Steve McQueen, John Wayne and James Dean.

4. Movie characters only. Once you open the Pandora’s Box of characters from novels, television, comic books and cereal boxes, things just get out of hand. Isn’t that right, Nancy Drew? (The exception is when the movies are more culturally significant than the books, as in the case of the James Bond movie franchise versus the Ian Fleming novels or J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings versus Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings. Bond is in. Aragorn is out.)



5. Iron Man / Tony Stark is disqualified. The only reason Iron Man is cool is because Robert Downey Jr. is cool. The same basic concept applies to Sonny Chiba and the characters he has played.

Now that the details are out of the way and we can all agree Batman would own this list if he were allowed to participate, let’s begin.

25. Frank Martin (Jason Statham in The Transporter)

Memorable for: Piloting Audis and BMWs like Wile E. Coyote pilots ACME rockets, but with better results; inventing the “greased pig” genre of brawling.

24. Dwight (Clive Owen in Sin City)

Memorable for: Shoving Benecio Del Toro’s head in a toilet; jumping off ledges with only Converse All-Stars to cushion his fall; being friends with Deadly Little Miho.

23. John Shaft (Richard Roundtree in Shaft)

Memorable for: Being a sex machine to all the chicks; risking his neck for his brother man; being a bad mother; having people shut their mouth – unless they are talkin’ about him.

22. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone in First Blood)

Memorable for: Not drawing first blood; ability to eat things that would make a billy goat puke.

21. Jules Winfield (Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction)

Memorable for: Having an awesome wallet; being enamored with both domestic and foreign hamburgers; philosophizing; bringing biblical fury.

20. Tony Montana (Al Pacino in Scarface)



Memorable for: Saying hello to his little friend; sneering; creating the Italio-Cuban dialect; first getting the money, then getting the power, then getting the women (then getting gunned down).

19. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead II)

Memorable for: Pulling off the whole chainsaw-instead-of-a-right-hand thing long before everybody was doing it.

18. James Tiberius Kirk (William Shatner in the original six (!) Star Trek movies)

Memorable for: Looking like Mr. Belvedere by the time Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country came out; smoldering glances; defeating the Kobayashi Maru test; Khaaaaaaaaaan!

17. Westley & Inigo Montoya (Cary Elwes & Mandy Patinkin in The Princess Bride)

Memorable for: Besting the three terrors of the fire swamp; saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” and MEANING it.

16. Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer in Tombstone)

Memorable for: Making a bitch of Johnny Ringo; being your huckleberry; being a fan of Frederic-fuckin’-Chopin.

15. John McClane (Bruce Willis in Die Hard)



Memorable for: Making mortal enemies of Euro-douches; knowing more about ventilation shafts than the building superintendent; throwing the word “fuck” into otherwise quaint terms.

14. Léon (Jean Reno in Léon / The Professional)

Memorable for: Hanging out with Natalie Portman before everyone else in the world wanted to, which is even cooler than hanging out with Robert DeNiro in Ronin.

13. T-800 / The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger in T2: Judgment Day)

Memorable for: Putting up with Edward Furlong’s shriek pleas; chilling out, dickwad; not understanding why puny humans cry.

12. Wendell “Bud” White (Russell Crowe in L.A. Confidential)

Memorable for: Breaking the back off wooden chairs; gun-barrel dentistry; REALLY being against violence towards women.

11. The Bride (Uma Thurman in Kill Bill: Vol. 1 & Vol. 2)

Memorable for: Bruce Lee homage; having the worst wedding rehearsal ever; putting up with Quentin Tarantino’s foot fetish; knowing the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

10. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon in the Bourne trilogy)



Memorable for: Regaining his memory; wanting to know what Blackbriar is; wanting people to leave him alone; mourning Franka Potente; teaching The Professor a lesson; running on the beach.

9. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Russell Crowe in Gladiator)

Memorable for: Motivational speaking; working the crowd; wanting to slap Joaquin Phoenix around long before David Letterman did; making me want to name my first-born Maximus.

8. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford in the Indy quadrilogy)

Memorable for: The whip & fedora; seeing that there is nothing that he can possess that Belloq cannot take away; siring greasers; getting fresh with the director’s future wife; hating snakes and dangerous figs.

7. Jimmy Malone (Sean Connery in The Untouchables)

Memorable for: Mocking wops; bringing a gun to a knife fight; teaching people that “the Chicago way” is to send other people to the morgue; asking what you’re prepared to do; sounding cool; being a G who is mucked with, pal.

6. Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction)

Memorable for: Solving problems; driving real fuckin’ fast; knowing that time is a factor; hesitating to start sucking each other’s dicks.

5. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver in Aliens)



Memorable for: Battling aliens that mostly come out at night… mostly; changing her mind about how cool synthetic people can be; looking better in tighty-whiteys than anyone else on this list; getting alien queens away from Newt, you bitch.

4. The Man With No Name (Clint Eastwood in Sergio Leone’s trilogy)


Memorable for: Squinting; smoking; being the inspiration for a veritable cornucopia of bad-ass characters, including Mad Max (which is why he's not on the list), Roland Deschain, Boba-Fuckin’-Fett and Marty McFly in Back to the Future III.

3. Han Solo (Harrison Ford in Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI)


Memorable for: Shooting first.

2. James Bond (Daniel Craig in Casino Royale; Sean Connery in Goldfinger)

Memorable for: Being very good at his job; learning that killing bad guys gets easier… considerably easier; having itchy balls; being expected to die; calling Pussy Galore by name without giggling; catching Goldfinger cheating at golf AND cards; for being Bond, James Bond.

1. Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew in Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI)

Memorable for: Being a fucking bear with a fucking laser-crossbow who can pilot the mother-fucking Millennium Falcon.

Seriously, what did you think it was going to take to be at the top of this list? Congrats, Chewie.

(And again, EW, seriously… Harry Potter? Nancy Drew? You guys weren’t even trying.)

The Canadian Grammys: Useless and Stupid or Stupid and Useless?

Unless you happen to be an actual Canadian or have some sort of strange fetish for other country’s award shows, you might not know that Canada has its own version of the Grammys called the Junos. Like the Grammy Awards, the Juno Awards are handed out once a year with great fanfare, despite the fact that nobody who actually likes music cares.

Seeing as how this is the internet, I could be lying about the unimportance of the Junos. They could be awesome and I could just be some Canadian-music-hating crank who thinks the pinnacle of Canuck rock began and ended with Rush. Thankfully, I have proof the Junos, like the Grammys, are lame.

Exhibit A:


Obviously, there is no need for an Exhibit B. (And by the way, props to the Canadian banking system. Keep reachin’ for the stars, guys!)

So you know, that is the front page of my local newspaper here in good ol’ London, Ontario – and fucking Nickelback is part of the goddamn masthead today. Not only did those ass-hats get front-page coverage, the front page of the entertainment section was awash in similar douchey goodness.

(So we are clear, good bands start their names with “the”. THE Beatles. THE White Stripes. THE Hives. THE Strokes. THE Killers. THE Tragically Hip. THE J. Geils Band. Umm… that last one might just be me. Anyway, the one thing good bands do NOT start their name with is “nickel”. That’s a fact.)



Sun Media writer Darryl Sterdan explained that Nickelback, “dominated the two-hour show virtually from beginning to end, opening the broadcast with a pyro-filled performance of Something in Your Mouth from Dark Horse — the best-selling Canadian album of 2008 — and taking home the final trophy of the night for Album of the Year.”

First off, thank fucking God my wife and I were watching The Simpsons and Amazing Race, as actually witnessing 120 minutes dominated by Nickelback might have sent me off on a murderous rampage, which is very un-Canadian. Secondly, here are some of the lyrics from Something in Your Mouth:

I love the way you dance with anybody
(The way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb

You're so much cooler when you never pull it out
'Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth

Crafty little lip tricks, tattoos on her left hip
She's bending as you're spending, there's no end to it, so baby come on!

Sadly, the words just don’t do it justice. It is so much better with crappy guitar work and a kick drum emphasizing just how cute she looks *BOOM, BOOM* with something in her mouth.



So, rather than celebrating actual songsmiths, musicians or artists, the Junos did the exact opposite. I hope you enjoy your Junos when you’re burning in Hell, Nickelback.

The Top-Five Reasons Why Marvel Should Cancel Iron Fist

In Marvel's June Previews, this was the initial solicitation for The Immortal Iron Fist #27:


IMMORTAL IRON FIST #27
Written by DUANE SWIERCZYNSKI
Penciled by TRAVEL FOREMAN
Cover by KAARE ANDREWS
70th Anniversary Variant Cover by MARKO DJURDJEVIC

Danny Rand is the Immortal Iron Fist. He has thwarted Hydra assassins...foiled a vicious plot to destroy his mystical city of K’un-Lun...fought in an interdimensional kung fu tournament...escaped the unstoppable beast that killed all other Iron Fists before him...and survived a trip into Hell itself. But will he make it through the fall of the House of Rand? Don’t miss this landmark FINAL ISSUE of the critically acclaimed, fan-beloved IMMORTAL IRON FIST.40 PGS./Rated T+ ...$3.99

The first thing I'd like to point out is the price. While many of Marvel's titles have made the leap from $2.99 to $3.99 while remaining at 32 pages, at least this issue of Iron Fist is a hefty 40 pages. Here's how Marvel's pricing strategy breaks down:

$2.99 for 32 pages = High-fivin', longbox-fillin' good times.
$3.99 for 40 pages = Special feelin', cherry-on-top good times.
$3.99 for 32 pages = Pull-list droppin', baby-Jesus-cryin' bad times.

The math really is pretty simple.

Marvel's Machiavellian Money-Making Machinations™ aside, the real (metaphorical) kick to the groin was the possibility of Marvel pulling the plug on our beloved Iron Fist. However, things may not be as bleak as first feared. Since the solicitations were first posted, Marvel has since removed the reference to it being a final issue and both current writer Duane Swierczynski and former scribe (and geek God) Ed Brubaker popped up online to say it was just a typo / misunderstanding.

Chances are, it was just a little trick pulled by Marvel EIC Joe Quesada to help boost sales and increase the book's profile. Obviously, at least the second half of his possible plan worked, as here I am, writing about his company's June solicitations instead of doing something productive like playing Rock Band 2 or having a contented nap after reading Walt Simonson's Thor.

However, if it wasn't a publicity stunt and The Immortal Iron Fist is headed for pop culture heaven along with Air Wolf, Duck Tales and C-3PO cereal, it is indeed a sad day. That being said, there are a handful of reasons why the cancellation of Iron Fist could be a good thing...

Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present the top-five reasons why Marvel should cancel Iron Fist:

5. To relauch a new Power Man & Iron Fist title... because seriously, in these times of economic turmoil and uncertainly, the world just needs it.


4. To hand that book or any other book or the entire damn Marvel portfolio back to Ed Brubaker and let him decide on the direction of the book. Brubaker is leaving Daredevil, which will put an end to one of the best eras the book has ever seen. Between his work in the Marvel Universe on D.D. and Captain America and his work on Criminal and Incognito for Icon, I think Brubaker has earned the chance to take control of Marvel for a while. If he wants to write Iron Fist, let him. If he wants to get Matt Fraction, Dan Slott, Jeff Parker, Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente together in a room and re-write the entire Marvel Universe, I'm fine with that too. Sorry, Brian Michael Bendis, your time is up.


3. To relauch the title as Iron Fist & The Immortal Weapons. Seriously, those guys kick unholy amounts of ass. Start with Iron Fist. Add Bride of Nine Spiders, Dog Brother #1, Fat Cobra, Prince of Orphans, and Tiger's Beautiful Daughter. The result? The best super-team since old-school Alpha Flight.


2. To put the book on hiatus just long enough to get Brubaker, Fraction and Swierczynski together to hammer out a script for Iron Fist: The Seven Capital Cities of Heaven -- the movie. If there is a God, He or She would no doubt appreciate humankind creating something so wonderful and beautiful.


1. Because Marvel doesn't like making money, fans, or awesome things.

Counting down the best three things about Duplicity...

3. Julia Roberts only did the Julia Roberts is-it-charming-or-is-it-disturbing-that-she-can-unhinge-her-jaw-to-laugh-like-that laugh once. She didn't fall down or stumble at all. While that might not be a good thing to those who would like nothing more than to see her remake My Best Friend's Wedding for the rest of her life, it suited us at Pop Culture A.D.D. just fine.

2. The ending came as a genuine surprise. Leading into the final act, there were five or six plausible endings I could see happening. After I discounted the endings I subconsciously yearned for -- involving monkey butlers, monkey hobos, ghost pirates, pirate ghosts and Colin Ferrell making an appearance to bonk a midget over the head, ala In Bruges -- I figured I had the possible endings narrowed down to two. Thankfully, I was proven the fool and the ending was unexpected. Sadly, there wasn't a monkey, hobo, ghost, pirate or Irishman to be seen.

1. The trailer for Public Enemies. Duplicity was a good-but-not-great movie. Clive Owen was Clive Owen. It was novel to see espionage based in the world of saving the world from baldness, as opposed to saving the world from mutually-assured destruction. That being said, the best thing about the movie was seeing the trailer for Public Enemies. Christian Bale? Johnny Depp? Michael Mann? Feds vs. old-school gangsters? Sign. Me. The. Fuck. Up.

Friday Throwdown! Bumblebee vs. 2010 Camaro!

Nearly two years ago, 24’s Jack Bauer narrowly edged out Lost’s Jack Shephard in Pop Culture A.D.D.’s last installment of Friday Throwdown. Unfortunately, young Dr. Shephard didn’t take the news very well.

However, since nearly random fictional characters from different realms of the world of pop culture aren’t going to fight each other on their own, Friday Throwdown is back! Thankfully, the convenience of the internet makes getting back up and running as easy as remembering a few passwords and finding renewed inspiration… none of that awkward strapping illegal VHF transmitters to your Mom’s Jeep ala Christian Slater in Pump Up The Volume for me.

In the coming months, you’re going to be hearing a lot about three things:

1) The economy. (Won’t somebody think of the children!?)
2) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
3) The 2010 Chevrolet Camaro.

Since I’m not an economist – my only investments are in comic books, home electronics, Belgian beer, and pumpkin futures – let’s keep the focus on the things I do know about. Specifically, let’s focus on my favourite Autobot, Bumblebee, and his disguise, the 2010 Chevrolet Camaro, a car I shamefully admit to pining for despite my lack of mullets and RATT: Out of the Cellar CDs. (Geek Sidebar: Just so we’re clear, Bumblebee qualifies as my favourite Autobot because Dinobots aren’t technically Autobots.)

Before we ring the bell, let’s introduce our (quite literally) heavyweights:

The Autobot’s Bumblebee!



The 2010 Chevrolet Camaro!



In pitting a fictional robot based on a line of Japanese-turned-Hasbro toys against an actual car most well known for providing teenagers with a place to lose their virginities, Pop Culture A.D.D. declares this the geekiest Throwdown yet! Let’s get it on!

Birthplaces:

Bumblebee hails from Cybertron and was given life by the Allspark.

The 2010 Chevrolet Camaro hails from G.M.’s Oshawa Car Assembly manufacturing plant in Ontario, Canada and was given life by the fightin’ men and women of the Canadian Auto Workers (CAW), Local 222.

Advantage: Camaro. (*Fist-bump for my fellow Ontarians*)

First Appearances:

Bumblebee raced his way into your humble author’s heart via three-pronged attack in 1984. Seriously, Hasbro pulled some Machiavellian shit to ensure I spent every spare cent of my allowance and whatever money I could get my parents to spend on Bumblebee and the Transformers. There was the line of toys. There was the comic book. There was the cartoon (which, when combined with G.I. Joe, made the best hour of television mankind has ever known). I had no chance.

Released on September 29th, 1966, for the 1967 model year, the first Chevrolet Camaro was designed as a competitor for the Ford Mustang and fanned the flames of the Chevrolet-Ford rivalry, which eventually led to stickers of Calvin peeing on a Chevy bowtie or Ford oval. Simply hilarious.

Advantage: Bumblebee. (Thanks for keeping it classy, Chevy and Ford fans.)

Rebirths:

In the 2007 Michael Bay version of Transformers, Bumblebee first befriends Shia LaBeouf’s Sam Witwicky while in the form of a rusted 1976 Camaro. Later, Megan Fox’s Mikaela Banes mocks Bumblebee for being a “piece of crap Camaro”. Ouch. That shit was cold. Apparently a sucker for hot chicks, Bumblebee cues the soundtrack from Kill Bill and rocks the form of the 2006 Camaro concept. Well done, G.M. product placement specialists, well done.

The fourth-generation Camaro died a somewhat inglorious death in 2002 and left a pretty ugly corpse behind. The Ford Mustang had finally prevailed in its decades-long quest to be the car of choice for rental car agencies and douche bags from coast to coast. However, like a phoenix from lame ashes, the Camaro was reborn with the 2006 concept and the first production models starting to roll off the line in March, 2009.

Advantage: Bumblebee. (Was the Kill Bill-inspired use of “Battle Without Honor and Humanity” cheesey? Yes. Was it also awesome? Fuck yes.)

Abilities:

Over the years, Bumblebee has rocked a lot of different looks and shown the ability to do more than just be rendered functionally mute in movies filled with slow-motion helicopters and waving American flags. Cartoon Bumblebee seems to have had an amazingly full, exciting life for being a reconnaissance officer and smallest of the Autobots. Take it away, Wikipedia: “[Bumblebee’s] adventures have taken him back to Cybertron, to the prehistoric Dinobot Island, the sunken city of Sub-Atlantica, a world of alien giants, a debaucherous gambling asteroid locale and more. He has been scorched by acid rain, fought as a mindless gladiator, been mauled by a monstrous alien cat, quested for "robotic insecticide" and, in one of his most significant roles, was one of the few Autobots to survive a brainwashing scheme by the Decepticons, leaving it up to him to save his comrades.”

Unlike the previous Camaro or pony cars in general, the 2010 Camaro boasts some pretty modern technology. For the base model, G.M. wisely created a Frankenstein’s monster of a car, using the engine from the Cadillac CTS, the suspension from the Pontiac G8, the Zeta platform from Holden in Australia and styling from 1967. Most surprising, it boasts an EPA highway fuel-economy rating of 29 mpg. So yeah, for $22,995 U.S. or 27,000 loonies, you can drive a car that looks like Bumblebee, rips off 5.9 second 0-60 mph runs and gets better fuel economy than a freakin’ Toyota Camry. Suck it, Mustang.

Advantage: Bumblebee. (I swear “debaucherous” isn’t a word, but used in reference to a “gambling asteroid” visited by a cartoon robot, it somehow seems apt. Apt, I say!)

Ability to Pick up Chicks and / or Dudes:

In the movies, Bumblebee helped a dorky kid land an ultra-hot model-turned-actress-turned-mechanic-with-a-heart-of-gold. Sadly, the world of Michael Bay is as far removed from the real world as McDonald’s is from a three-Michelin-star restaurant. In the real world, you can’t actually have a transforming alien robot car with a soft spot for leggy brunettes. In the real world, your encyclopedic knowledge of Bumblebee is something you do not tell a girl ‘til AFTER you are married, and even then, it may be cause for divorce.

Without a doubt, the real Camaro will be more of a help picking up chicks (or dudes, if you’re a lady or just a fella who likes dudes) than the fictitious Bumblebee. However, the caliber of chick or dude you attract with a Camaro might not be the type of person you bring home to meet your Mom. That being said, Pop Culture A.D.D. strongly suggests you cover your stick-shift before getting’ busy in a Camaro.

Advantage: Camaro. (Geek Sidebar: If, in real life, you do befriend an alien robot car, at the end of your first adventure together, try your best NOT to make out with your sweaty girlfriend on top of your new robot friend while all his robot friends watch. It’s just, you know, rude.)

Final Scorecard:

Bumblebee: 3

Camaro: 2

Sorry, Camaro. We still have an embarrassing amount of love for you here… just don’t go getting all drunk and beardy on us, like Jack Shephard did.

Congrats, Bumblebee! Now why don’t you go ahead and rub it in the only way robots know how… by dancing!

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42tXAzlsH5Y)

Sayid the Killer & Pop Culture's Most Beloved Murderers

Before we delve into today’s post, I’d just like to mention that I broke my HD Lost cherry last night and honestly, I feel blessed by its awesomeness. Magical moments like that don’t happen without a little help. With that in mind, I’d like to thank my employer and the not-as-fucked-up-as-it-could-be Canadian economy for letting me afford it, Samsung for making such beautiful toys, and my wife for accepting my geeky consumerism. I suppose I should also thank my mom for confiscating ninja stars and pellet guns from me in my youth… thanks to her, I still have two good eyes to appreciate Lost in HD.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program… but not before giving you this:

In last night’s episode of Lost (Season 5, Episode 10: He’s Our You), Sayid was presented as something of a natural-born killer. From his youth breaking chicken necks to his adulthood killing bad golfers to his current proclivity towards murdering creepy children who someday grow up to be even creepier adults (RIP, young Ben Linus), Sayid makes Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis look like a couple of bitches.

Obviously, the death of young Ben Linus raises the question of what the future holds for old Ben Linus and for the Dharmites medium-aged Ben Linus would have killed. If Back to the Future’s Doc Brown taught us anything, it was that you can’t change the past without changing the future… and that “Great Scott!” is woefully underused exclamation of surprise… and that a flux capacitor requires 1.21 gigawatts of power to operate. ONE. POINT. TWENTY-ONE. GIGAWATTS!!!

While those time-space continuum, theoretical craziness questions are all well and good, the more important question raised by last night’s episode of Lost was this: Is Sayid now among pop culture’s greatest and most-beloved killers? Our heart says yes, but our brain says we won’t know for sure without that old favourite of lazy online writers: the list.

So, without further adieu, Pop Culture A.D.D. is happy to present our list of pop culture’s greatest and most-beloved killers. Keep in mind that to qualify for the list, you need to be at least somewhat heroic and / or have some redeeming value. Sorry, asteroid from Armageddon, pencil-disappearing-act Joker from The Dark Knight, and eating disorder from The Simple Life.

10. The Punisher

Welcome back, Frank. Anti-heroes who are willing to kill have been a-dime-a-dozen since the dark-and-gritty ‘80s. Frank Castle / The Punisher makes our list not so much for his killing as his not one, not two, but three bad movies – and, of course, his willingness to punch a polar bear. Global warming isn’t the only thing endangering polar bears.

9. Cortez the Killer

No, not Hernán Cortés, Spanish conquistador and Aztec empire toppler, we’re talking about the actual song Cortez the Killer by Neil Young. Featuring a guitar solo which ranks 39th on Guitar World magazine’s 100 Greatest Guitar Solos, a spot (321st) on Rolling Stone magazine’s Greatest 500 Songs of All Time, Young’s seven-and-a-half minute, historically inaccurate, rock-and-roll indictment of Cortés was banned in Spain. For that reason alone, it’s more than cool enough for our list.

8. Mario

Created by legendary video game designer Shigeru Miyamoto, Mario has appeared in over 200 games and helped sell over 201 million copies of those games since his first appearance in 1981’s Donkey Kong. That equals a veritable avalanche of dead goombas and koopa troopas. Mario: lovable plumber or genocidal maniac?

7. Sayid Jarrah

Welcome to the big time, Sayid. All you needed to do to get here was sucker-punch one of your best friends and murder a defenseless tween. Well done, sir.

6. Clive Owen

Owen has played a number of memorable killers, including Dwight in Sin City, Smith in Shoot ‘Em Up. However, you’ll notice it says “Clive Owen”, not “carrot-wielding, sharp-shooting, cool-as-ice cartoonish character” in the title of this entry on the list. That’s because the real Owen is a straight-up, stone-cold killer… a lady killer, that is.

5. Ford Explorer

We’re not trying to insinuate that the Ford Explorer killed anyone during the whole rollover / Firestone tire debacle. We’re not even saying that the Ford Explorer has ever or will ever kill anyone by dumping carbon into the atmosphere. Nope, that would be cold… or stupid… or coldly stupid. The reason that Ford’s successor to the O.J.-haulin’ Ford Bronco is on this list is for killing an entire industry. When it debuted, the Ford Explorer was such a phenomenal success that it almost single-handedly created the SUV craze, which caused the Big Three to focus on developing bigger, more luxurious, more ridiculous, more profitable SUVs. While Detroit was pouring R&D money and engineering talent into putting fat-bottomed, heated leather seats and DVD entertainment systems into trucks, the competition from Europe and Asia was developing actually useful technologies. Now, North Americans are footing the bill to help pull the domestic auto industry from the smoking ruins. Thanks, Ford Explorer.

4. Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer is like the internet’s version of Chuck Norris without the height or stretchy jeans designed to let him kick you in the face. Bauer once ran up a wall to break a guy’s neck. He even inspired a website specifically devoted to his trail of death and comical destruction. ‘Nuff said.

3. The Killers

Apparently, The Killers are named after a fictional band from a music video created by English alt / electronic rockers New Order. Huh. Who knew? Here at Pop Culture A.D.D., we’ll just continue to assume the band is made up of blood-thirsty CIA spooks that got together to infiltrate organized crime in Vegas. It’s just more fun that way.

2. Dexter Morgan

Do you know what’s about a million times cooler than a hooker with a heart of gold? A serial killer with a heart of gold… who tracks another serial killer… who kills prostitutes… who may or may not have had hearts of gold. Oh Dexter, don’t ever change.

1. James Bond

As a double-O agent of MI6, James Bond has an actual licence to kill… and based on what we saw in Casino Royale, you don’t get that licence but parallel parking for a disinterested bureaucrat, you get it by being pop culture’s no. 1 bad ass.

Just Who Was Supposed to Watch the Watchmen?

Just like every other self-respecting geek in North America, I went to see Watchmen in its opening weekend. As it's now weeks after the fact, I won't bother with an in-depth review other than to say I was impressed with the audicity of the project and genuinely appreciate the obvious love director Zack Snyder & Co. had for the material.

The real reason for this post was to wonder aloud -- or at least quietly and electronically ponder -- just who that movie could have possibly appealled to other than geeks with more than a passing interest in the original comics or collected graphic novel. Obviously, my own friends, family and co-workers aren't exactly a mirror image of the movie-going populace at large, but three things came abudantly clear in the last month. Firstly, those who read the graphic novel were DYING to see the movie. Secondly, those who hadn't read the graphic novel ranged from having never heard of the movie to simply having little interest in seeing it. Finally, if the uninitiated happened to be female, the only way she'd be going to watch the Watchmen would be a) if she was drugged, b) if she was bribed, or c) over her dead body.

Due to its somewhat limited demographic appeal, it's not surprising that Watchmen has done only solid, not spectacular, business at the box office. However, $98,772,123 in 15 days of release is nothing to sneeze at, so there must be someone other than male geeks aged 18 to 35 and possibly their drugged, bribed or dead girlfriends or wives forking over their hard-earned cash.

With that in mind, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our look at the micro-demographics that have no doubt helped propel Watchmen to the $100 million mark.

1. Fans of eclectic soundtracks and/or 99 Luftballons:

Seriously, if you heard Nat King Cole, My Chemical Romance, K.C. and the Sunshine Band, Leonard Cohen and the Budapest Symphony Orchestra one after the other on a friend's iPod, you'd assume they were insane. Even crazier than the soundtrack is the fact that the soundtrack available in stores leaves out Nena's 99 Luftballons, which I will no doubt now have playing in my mind every time I'm in a restaurant cleaning my glasses and a hot woman walks in.

2. Fans of Dr. Tobias Funke who just can't wait for the (please God let it happen) Arrested Development movie:

Sometimes, you want a Carl Weathers-trained, Blue Man Group-worshipping, never-nude, analrapist (analyst + therapist, for those who don't know) with the reflexes of a cat... and all you can get is a nude, blue Superman who looks a lot like the lead singer of Stillwater. C'est la vie.

3. Middleage men who can only get it up while in costume:

Dan Dreiberg can't get it up for Laurie Juspeczyk, but you bet your comically-timed flame-thrower blast that Nite Owl II has no problem throwing Silk Spectre II the ol' high, hard one. It's hard to decide whether Dan Dreiberg has self-esteem issues or just a fetish for thigh-high f@ck-me boots, but either way, he must be a wonderful role model for middle-aged men who think that Erectile Dysfunction has left them limp forever. (Just to be clear, we think Jay Maynard, aka "Tron Guy", is awesome and has no such issues and is no doubt an amazing lover.)

4. Fans of eating Hollywood's regurgitated worms:

"I find film in its modern form to be quite bullying," Watchmen author Alan Moore said. "It spoon-feeds us, which has the effect of watering down our collective cultural imagination. It is as if we are freshly hatched birds looking up with our mouths open waiting for Hollywood to feed us more regurgitated worms. The 'Watchmen' film sounds like more regurgitated worms." (So we're clear, that is just about the nicest quote from Moore concerning Hollywood and the bastardization of his works of genius. I thought he'd love how faithful LXG: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was, but I guess he's hard to please.)

5. Hardcore fans of The Simpsons who want to know what all the fuss is about:

I'd be excited too, Milhouse. I'd be excited too.