Who’s cooler than Harry Potter? A LOT of people.

Obviously ignorant of the fact that the internet is the domain of lazy writers relying far too heavily on lists, Entertainment Weekly (EW) magazine recently put out a list of their own. They called it the “20 All-Time Coolest Heroes in Pop Culture” and it’s pretty sad that trees needed to die for this list to be born. At least online lists just kill brain cells (and sometimes hope).

Any form of “best of” or “all-time greatest” list is kind of like a first-year college co-ed lifting up her top and screaming out the words to Nine Inch Nail’s Closer before vomiting down the front of her baby T and passing out on the dance floor. Both the lists and the drunkards are morally-reprehensible, amateurish cries for help and attention – and yet, when it’s all over, you can’t help but talk about them.

To save you the time it takes to Google EW’s vomit-caked, panties-down-around-the-knees list, here it is:

1. James Bond
2. Indiana Jones
3. Superman
4. Harry Potter
5. Ellen Ripley
6. John McClane
7. Han Solo
8. Buffy The Vampire Slayer
9. Robin Hood
10. Spider-Man
11. Mad Max
12. James T. Kirk
13. Foxy Brown
14. Will Kane
15. Dirty Harry
16. Jack Bauer
17. Nancy Drew
18. Batman
19. Atticus Finch
20. Sydney Bristow

Admittedly, there are some good or even great choices on the list. That being said, there are also quite a few what-the-fuck-were-they-thinking selections. (Here’s to you, numbers 3, 4, 8, 10, 17, and 20.)



Anyway, as a card-carrying geek (Seriously, you should see the card. It is AWESOME.) armed with a blog, it is my duty to a) mock EW’s list, and b) make my own list that is superior in every way.

You suck EW! I find your list to be sub-par in many ways! I deride your list-making abilities.

Ok then, now that the mocking is out of the way, we are proud to present:

Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Top-25 Coolest Movie Characters That We Can Think Of and That You Should Totally Feel Free to Disagree With.

First off, let’s establish the guidelines for the Top-25 CMCTWCTOATYSTFFTDW: (Why is it that acronyms are always so cumbersome?)

1. Batman can’t be included. What’s the point of doing a list when the winner is a foregone conclusion? Seriously, even the kiddie, DC Super Friends version of that guy is cool beyond compare. Check it:



2. Pacifists need not apply. Sorry, The Dude from The Big Lebowski. We love you, but you’re not on the list.

3. We’re focusing on the modern age. Being born into the tail end of Generation X, I have no appreciation for anything that happened before my birth. I am also a slacker who doesn’t like being marketed to and feels an undeserving sense of entitlement. Sorry, Steve McQueen, John Wayne and James Dean.

4. Movie characters only. Once you open the Pandora’s Box of characters from novels, television, comic books and cereal boxes, things just get out of hand. Isn’t that right, Nancy Drew? (The exception is when the movies are more culturally significant than the books, as in the case of the James Bond movie franchise versus the Ian Fleming novels or J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings versus Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings. Bond is in. Aragorn is out.)



5. Iron Man / Tony Stark is disqualified. The only reason Iron Man is cool is because Robert Downey Jr. is cool. The same basic concept applies to Sonny Chiba and the characters he has played.

Now that the details are out of the way and we can all agree Batman would own this list if he were allowed to participate, let’s begin.

25. Frank Martin (Jason Statham in The Transporter)

Memorable for: Piloting Audis and BMWs like Wile E. Coyote pilots ACME rockets, but with better results; inventing the “greased pig” genre of brawling.

24. Dwight (Clive Owen in Sin City)

Memorable for: Shoving Benecio Del Toro’s head in a toilet; jumping off ledges with only Converse All-Stars to cushion his fall; being friends with Deadly Little Miho.

23. John Shaft (Richard Roundtree in Shaft)

Memorable for: Being a sex machine to all the chicks; risking his neck for his brother man; being a bad mother; having people shut their mouth – unless they are talkin’ about him.

22. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone in First Blood)

Memorable for: Not drawing first blood; ability to eat things that would make a billy goat puke.

21. Jules Winfield (Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction)

Memorable for: Having an awesome wallet; being enamored with both domestic and foreign hamburgers; philosophizing; bringing biblical fury.

20. Tony Montana (Al Pacino in Scarface)



Memorable for: Saying hello to his little friend; sneering; creating the Italio-Cuban dialect; first getting the money, then getting the power, then getting the women (then getting gunned down).

19. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead II)

Memorable for: Pulling off the whole chainsaw-instead-of-a-right-hand thing long before everybody was doing it.

18. James Tiberius Kirk (William Shatner in the original six (!) Star Trek movies)

Memorable for: Looking like Mr. Belvedere by the time Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country came out; smoldering glances; defeating the Kobayashi Maru test; Khaaaaaaaaaan!

17. Westley & Inigo Montoya (Cary Elwes & Mandy Patinkin in The Princess Bride)

Memorable for: Besting the three terrors of the fire swamp; saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” and MEANING it.

16. Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer in Tombstone)

Memorable for: Making a bitch of Johnny Ringo; being your huckleberry; being a fan of Frederic-fuckin’-Chopin.

15. John McClane (Bruce Willis in Die Hard)



Memorable for: Making mortal enemies of Euro-douches; knowing more about ventilation shafts than the building superintendent; throwing the word “fuck” into otherwise quaint terms.

14. Léon (Jean Reno in Léon / The Professional)

Memorable for: Hanging out with Natalie Portman before everyone else in the world wanted to, which is even cooler than hanging out with Robert DeNiro in Ronin.

13. T-800 / The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger in T2: Judgment Day)

Memorable for: Putting up with Edward Furlong’s shriek pleas; chilling out, dickwad; not understanding why puny humans cry.

12. Wendell “Bud” White (Russell Crowe in L.A. Confidential)

Memorable for: Breaking the back off wooden chairs; gun-barrel dentistry; REALLY being against violence towards women.

11. The Bride (Uma Thurman in Kill Bill: Vol. 1 & Vol. 2)

Memorable for: Bruce Lee homage; having the worst wedding rehearsal ever; putting up with Quentin Tarantino’s foot fetish; knowing the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

10. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon in the Bourne trilogy)



Memorable for: Regaining his memory; wanting to know what Blackbriar is; wanting people to leave him alone; mourning Franka Potente; teaching The Professor a lesson; running on the beach.

9. Maximus Decimus Meridius (Russell Crowe in Gladiator)

Memorable for: Motivational speaking; working the crowd; wanting to slap Joaquin Phoenix around long before David Letterman did; making me want to name my first-born Maximus.

8. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford in the Indy quadrilogy)

Memorable for: The whip & fedora; seeing that there is nothing that he can possess that Belloq cannot take away; siring greasers; getting fresh with the director’s future wife; hating snakes and dangerous figs.

7. Jimmy Malone (Sean Connery in The Untouchables)

Memorable for: Mocking wops; bringing a gun to a knife fight; teaching people that “the Chicago way” is to send other people to the morgue; asking what you’re prepared to do; sounding cool; being a G who is mucked with, pal.

6. Winston Wolf (Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction)

Memorable for: Solving problems; driving real fuckin’ fast; knowing that time is a factor; hesitating to start sucking each other’s dicks.

5. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver in Aliens)



Memorable for: Battling aliens that mostly come out at night… mostly; changing her mind about how cool synthetic people can be; looking better in tighty-whiteys than anyone else on this list; getting alien queens away from Newt, you bitch.

4. The Man With No Name (Clint Eastwood in Sergio Leone’s trilogy)


Memorable for: Squinting; smoking; being the inspiration for a veritable cornucopia of bad-ass characters, including Mad Max (which is why he's not on the list), Roland Deschain, Boba-Fuckin’-Fett and Marty McFly in Back to the Future III.

3. Han Solo (Harrison Ford in Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI)


Memorable for: Shooting first.

2. James Bond (Daniel Craig in Casino Royale; Sean Connery in Goldfinger)

Memorable for: Being very good at his job; learning that killing bad guys gets easier… considerably easier; having itchy balls; being expected to die; calling Pussy Galore by name without giggling; catching Goldfinger cheating at golf AND cards; for being Bond, James Bond.

1. Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew in Star Wars Episodes IV, V and VI)

Memorable for: Being a fucking bear with a fucking laser-crossbow who can pilot the mother-fucking Millennium Falcon.

Seriously, what did you think it was going to take to be at the top of this list? Congrats, Chewie.

(And again, EW, seriously… Harry Potter? Nancy Drew? You guys weren’t even trying.)