Friday Throwdown! Barack Obama vs. Guardian!

I have to admit I’ve been feeling both patriotic as a Canadian and a little jealous of the rock star status of U.S. President Barack Obama lately. As a nation, Canada is the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas. Canada is socially and geographically diverse yet tightly knit; bound together physically by railways and highways and spiritually by health care, hockey, humour (spelt with a “u”, no less) and whatever the opposite of hubris is.

Despite all we have as Canadians, the one thing we do not have is an iconic leader. We certainly have in the past but right now, this is our Prime Minister:


I was considering pitting Canadian Prime Minister (and kitten lover) Steven Harper against U.S. President (and badass) Barack Obama in this week’s Friday Throwdown but what’s the point? Obama’s too busy firing General Motors executives and ordering Navy Seals to kill pirates to bother fighting so far below his weight class. Obviously, Obama needs a worthy adversary from north of the 49th parallel.

So, with that in mind, let’s get to it and introduce this week’s combatants for Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Friday Throwdown!

Guardian!


Barack Obama!


Seriously, who did you think was going to represent Canada going toe-to-toe with Obama? Keanu Reeves? (Admittedly, that would be funny, but still.)

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get it on!

REAL NAME:

Guardian’s real name is James MacDonald Hudson, which may well be the most hilarious, overly Canadian name ever created. Stat with James, then add the last name of Canada’s first prime Minister, then finish it off with the name of the company (Hudson’s Bay Company) that helped with the founding of the frickin’ country. It would be like naming an American naming his son James Lincoln Cowboy.

Barack Obama’s real name is Barack Hussein Obama II. Unlike Fox “News”, I don’t bring up his full name to create imaginary ties to anything un-American. I honestly don’t know how those guys sleep at night… right, Steven Stalin Hitler Harper II? Anyway, I just bring up his full name to point out it is nowhere near as cool as James MacDonald Hudson.


Advantage: Guardian. (Way to go, James Hockey Puck Timbit Socialized Medicine MacDonald Hudson!)

VOCATIONAL HISTORY:

While working for the American-Canadian Petro-Chemical Company in Canada, Hudson designed an armored suit for the purposes of geological exploration. After realizing his boss wanted to sell the suit to the military, Hudson left the company and took the suit, the designs and his boss’ secretary with him. Inspired by the Fantastic Four, Hudson helped create Canada’s first superhero team, Alpha Flight!

After graduating from Columbia University and Harvard Law School, Obama worked as a civil rights attorney in Chicago and taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School. Obama served in the Illinois State Senate and then the U.S. Senate before becoming the U.S. President. Presumably, Obama accomplished all of this so he’d have the authority to kill pirates.


Advantage: Guardian. (Sorry, Obama. Being leader of the free world is all well and good, but quitting your job, taking the hot-librarian-looking secretary with you and then starting Alpha Flight makes you a gent and a G.)

FRIENDS & TEAMMATES:

Guardian formed Alpha Flight, which initially consisted of an amphibious Newfoundlander (Marrina), a gay speedster and his multiple personality disorder sister (Northstar and Aurora), a hairy dwarf (Puck), a First Nations medicine man (Shaman), an Inuit demi-goddess (Snowbird), a brilliant sasquatch (Sasquatch) and Guardian’s secretary-turned-wife-turned-super-heroine Heather MacNeil Hudson.

Obama has his cabinet, including an ice queen and former political adversary (Hilary Clinton) and a man incapable of internal monologue (Joe Biden); his family, including an adorable new member / Portuguese water dog (Bo-Bama); as well as legions of would-be friends, well-wishers and admirers from around the globe.


Advantage: Guardian. (You did see “brilliant sasquatch” and “hairy dwarf” among Guardian’s friends, right? That one was over before it started, no matter how cute the Obama puppy is.)

OUTFIT OF CHOICE:

Guardian likes to rock a high-tech battlesuit of his own design. Utilizing the earth’s electromagnetic field, the suit grants Guardian superhuman strength as well as the ability to fly, shoot concussion blasts and shield himself from danger. Oh yeah, it also looks like the mother-fucking Canadian flag.

Obama likes to rock designer suits designed by Hart Schaffner Marx. Utilizing merino wool and cashmere, the suit grants Obama the ability to look cool while addressing the nation or meeting with foreign leaders.


Advantage: Guardian. (I did mention his suit is basically a flying Canadian flag, right?)

MOST RECENT APPEARANCE:

The last time Guardian was seen, he was dead as Julius Caesar, collapsed in the snow following an unseen battle with… actually, forget it. It’s not even worth talking about. Stupid Brian Michael Bendis.

The last time Obama was seen, he was being honest and forthright about the state of the U.S. economy and was also outlining his plan for the development of world-class, 200 mph super-trains in California.


Advantage: Obama. (Well played, Obama. Well played.)

FINAL SCORECARD:

Guardian: 4
Obama: 1

Don’t feel bad, Mr. President. The past may belong to Guardian but the future belongs to you.