Let’s be clear, Michael Bay is no auteur in the traditional sense. His wildly bombastic movies and keen commercial instincts might cause the gentile to swoon or drop their monocle into a cup of tea, but in the end, he is no devil. Before we get on with the throwdown, I’d just like to point out the five things that prove Michael Bay is most assuredly NOT the devil:
5. Scarlett Johansson in white tights (The Island)
4. The Porsche vs. Cobra chase (Bad Boys)
3. Bumblebee’s reintroduction to the Kill Bill soundtrack (Transformers)
2. Everything about The Rock (The Rock)
1. Slow-motion helicopters, sun sets and waving flags (Every Michael Bay movie)
Seriously, anyone that has given all those things to the world is more angel than devil. They might be testosterone-laden, juvenile fantasies but goddamn it, they are AWESOME testosterone-laden, juvenile fantasies. (Geek sidebar: You know what’s going to suck? Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. You know why it’s going to suck? Because Michael Bay isn’t directing it.)
Anyway, now that we know Michael Bay isn’t the devil, I think it’s high time the two met and settled things the old fashioned way. Let’s meet our contenders and let the Friday Throwdown begin!
Director / Producer Michael Bay!
Author of lies / Promoter of evil Satan!
RISE TO FAME:
Following a successful early career directing music videos and TV commercials (including the original “Got Milk?” ads), Bay teamed with the producing duo of Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson to release Bad Boys in 1995 and The Rock in 1996.
There are contradicting reports, but it’s possible the devil was once an archangel who turned against God before the creation of man, then turned up as a serpent in the Garden of Eden to tempt Adam and Eve into eating forbidden fruit.
Advantage: Michael Bay! (Sorry, Satan, you’ve really got to bring your A-game to beat a guy who unleashed The Rock upon the world.)
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS:
As a teenager, Michael Bay worked at Industrial Light & Magic in the storyboard department for films including Raiders of the Lost Ark, which he couldn’t envision succeeding.
According to Vatican exorcist Gabriele Amorth, demons can occupy a house and possess household items, especially domestic appliances that use electricity. That explains my George Foreman Grill.
Advantage: Satan! (The next time my computer crashes, at least I don’t have to blame Bill Gates.)
HIGH POINT:
Armageddon, the final battle between Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck (and logic).
Armageddon, the final battle between God and Satan.
Advantage: Michael Bay! (Sadly, Satan’s Armageddon doesn’t involve animal crackers and Liv Tyler’s belly button.)
LOW POINT:
Michael Bay was offered Van Helsing but turned down the job and opted instead to direct The Island. The end result was one absolute train wreck of a movie (Van Helsing) and one decent albeit uninspired movie (The Island). In a perfect world, Bay would have directed Van Helsing and Sommers would never direct a feature film again.
Satan has lost a fiddling contest to the Charlie Daniels Band and a guitar contest to Tenacious D.
Advantage: Satan! (Really, there’s no shame in losing a rock-off to Jack Black and The D.)
COMING ATTRACTIONS:
Michael Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is set for release on June 24th, 2009, and is no doubt going to be louder, shinier and more explosivey than the first film.
Satan is set to appear in Las Vegas every time a virgin with $1,000 in his pocket and unpaid rent at home steps off the plane at McCarran International Airport.
Advantage: Michael Bay! (Getting 20-somethings to sin is child’s play compared to making it look like Megan Fox can act.)
FINAL SCORECARD:
Michael Bay: 3
Satan: 2
Way to go, Michael Bay! Never let the naysayers get you down! Perhaps you should celebrate your little victory the way only you can: by filming a helicopter at sunset in slow motion.
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