Time is on my side: Console Wars Edition

Everybody talks about how hectic modern life is and how short for time they are. Actually, I take that back. I don’t think “everybody” talks about that at all. I think advertising agencies and multinational corporations just want us to feel that way so we’ll all buy crappy microwave dinners and robots to vacuum the floors. (Geek sidebar: I like vacuuming and don’t have any interest in a Roomba… the Scooba, on the other hand, would be a welcome addition to the family. Stupid washing the floor.)

What I do think, however, is that modern life has spoiled us with its awesomeness, leaving us wishing we had more time to enjoy every aspect of its splendor. There simply isn’t enough time in the day to enjoy your iPod, watch Lost in HD, do your weigh-in and be scolded by your Wii Fit, surf the net, throw in a couple of Blu-Rays, and fire up your favourite video game console. Let’s face it: we aren’t really a stressed-out society with no time to breathe. We are coddled and spoiled by technology and it isn’t a bad thing. It is awesome and you should be proud to live in this time and age. Suck it, Bronze Age.

All of this is just a long-winded way of getting to my main point of the day, which is that I love video games and have spent more than my fair share of time proving that in my life. My parents, God bless ‘em, helped start this little love affair when they bought our very first computer, the too-cool-for-school Atari 400. Since that wonderful Christmas day well over two decades ago, I’ve dumped the equivalent of the gross domestic product of a third-world country into an avalanche of video game consoles… but which one was best? That’s exactly what we’re here to find out.

Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our Top-11 Game-Playin’, Time-Wastin’, Thumb-Bustin’ Consoles of All-Time:

Honourable Mention: Sega Dreamcast.


Purchased on a whim long after they were new and fashionable, the Dreamcast was notable for having a keyboard, a MASSIVE controller that was about as cumbersome as a Hummer in downtown Paris, and online connectivity. Sadly, it is also notable for my almost never having played it and total inability to remember what games I owned for it. Sorry, Dreamcast, you’re no Genesis.

11: Super Nintendo Entertainment System / SNES

After waiting a couple of years for the price of the SNES to come down, I eventually picked one up used and it had the distinction of being the first video game console I actually had in my bedroom to enjoy in peace. I believe they refer to those days as halcyon days.

Killer app: Super Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. The Super Star Wars series was the sole reason I bought a Super Nintendo. Not surprisingly, it was super.

Era of my life wasted: Late teens. In fact, I was working part-time at Electronics Boutique / EB Games at the time, which would account for my being able to afford the system and Star Wars games in the first place. I also had a high-maintenance girlfriend at the time, which is why I didn’t keep the system too long. In essence, I traded my SNES for heavy petting. Thanks, SNES.

10: Atari ST

The Atari ST was my family’s logical follow-up purchase to our much-beloved Atari 400. Admittedly, neither the Atari 400 nor Atari ST are technically video game consoles… but I’m not technically a professional video game writer, so you’re just going to have to deal with it. The ST was memorable for having a Windows-like operating system and a peripheral modem. The internet didn’t exist at the time, but you could dial directly into someone else’s computer via BBS (Bulletin Board System) to download pirated games and porn. It was just like modern times, except much, much slower.


Killer app: Nebulus / Tower Toppler. You looked like Q-Bert, but you owned a submarine and climbed rotating towers to… umm… topple them. It was much more rad than you might imagine.

Era of my life wasted: Pre-teens to early teens. Ew. I kind of just grossed myself thinking about the whole porn thing at that age. Boys will be boys, I suppose.

9: Nintendo Gamecube

It kind of breaks my heart to see the Gamecube so low on this list, as it really was a pretty great system. It offered a nice mix of traditional Nintendo games with Mario & Co. and more adult-oriented games like Tiger Woods golf, which was awesome, and Resident Evil, which quite literally scared me into not playing it anymore.


Killer app: Super Monkey Ball. You’re a monkey. In a ball. Sometimes, the best ideas are the simplest ones. (And sometimes the monkey would have to open the ball in two and use it as a hang glider, which was frickin’ awesome.)

Era of my life wasted: Mid-to-late 20s. My now-wife and I were “living in sin” at the time, sharing a little townhouse together. The day we first found that townhouse together still stands among the happiest days of my life. To top it all off, she still married me despite knowing full well I played Super Monkey Ball on a daily basis.

8: Nintendo Entertainment System / NES

As you are about to discover, my allegiances don’t exactly lie with Nintendo. Just as some people like Coke and some people have actual working taste buds, I was always more of an Atari / Sega / Sony man myself. That being said, the NES had its charms, not least of which was…


Killer app: Super Mario Bros. Seriously, if you can hear the theme music from that game and not smile, you are a soulless bastard.

Era of my life wasted: Pre-double-digits to pre-teens. I had a friend at the time that was a hardcore Nintendo fan. He subscribed to the Nintendo magazine (Nintendo Power?), had the Nintendo Power Glove and the gold-plated Zelda cartridge. I guess that was the first time in my life I realized there was being a geek and being a GEEK.

7: Sony Playstation

After years of the console wars being fought between Sega and Nintendo, Sony changed everything when they released the first Playstation, which sadly was the beginning of the end for Sega as a console maker. The original Playstation is notable for its controller, which introduced the world to the awesomeness of the triangle-circle-ex-square button layout, which is still used by Sony to this day.

Killer app: Earthworm Jim was pretty cool and Siphon Filter was bad-ass for being the first game I ever played to require stealth and shooting people in the head from a distance, but when it comes right down to it, nothing tops Crash Bandicoot. Why? Because it was a bandicoot who rode polar bears and shockingly cute tigers, that’s why.

Era of my life wasted: Late-teens to early 20s. My faithful Playstation joined me on my trip to college. My first college buddy and I used to skip afternoon class, get 12 cans each of Old Milwaukee and have epic video baseball marathons. My time in college with the original Playstation introduced me to Gran Turismo and the fact that Dodge Vipers are fucking evil.

6: Nintendo 64

To me, at least, the Nintendo 64 was the Kurt Cobain-following-Neil-Young’s-it’s-better-to-burn-out-than-it-is-to-fade-advice award for being awesome, albeit briefly. I got my Nintendo 64 late in its product lifecycle and even though I think one of its games is among my all-time favourites, it pulled a Keyser Söze… and like that *poof* it was gone.


Killer app: With all due respect to Mario Golf, the Mario Party franchise, and even Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64 was the fuckin’ BOMB and still stands proudly alongside my all-time favourite games.

Era of my life wasted: Early 20s. It was during that shining-but-brief period in the post-Playstation, pre-Gamecube era of my life as a video game geek. I won’t forget you, Kurt Cobain / Keyser Söze / Nintendo 64.

Tune in tomorrow for the top-five! Same bat-time, same bat-channel!