Pirates vs. U.S. Navy: Not a fair fight... but still awesome!

As you may have heard, pirates are back in the news these days. Oddly, the pirates in question are not metrosexual, Keith Richards-based box-office pirates but actual living, breathing, thieving pirates of the sea.


Based out of Somalia, these specific pirates recently found themselves taking centre stage after a run-in with Capt. Richard Phillips, the crew of the Maersk Alabama merchant ship and… here’s the kicker… mother-fuckin’ US Navy Seals.

Here’s the 30-second version of what happened:

Wednesday, April 8th: Four Somali pirates use grappling hooks to board the Alabama. Capt. Phillips surrenders himself to keep his crew safe and is taken to a lifeboat by the pirates.

Thursday, April 9th: The USS Bainbridge, an honest-to-goodness US Navy destroyer, is on the way. The crew of the Alabama – coached by FBI agents – attempts to negotiate with the pirates.

Friday, April 10th: Capt. Phillips makes a break for it and jumps into the ocean to try to swim to the USS Bainbridge. One of the pirates fires an automatic weapon, forcing Phillips to return to the lifeboat. The USS Halyburton (which carries helicopters) and the USS Boxer (which can fucking launch missiles) show up.

Saturday, April 11th: U.S. President Barack Obama authorizes the use of military force to rescue Capt. Phillips.


Sunday, April 12th: One of the pirates surrenders but negotiations with the remaining three pirates are not going well. Capt. Phillips was tied up and had a gun aimed at him. On the deck of the USS Bainbridge about 25 to 30 metres away from the lifeboat, three Navy snipers – that had secretly parachuted in – each fired a single bullet, killing the three remaining pirates and freeing Capt. Phillips.

Ok, so that’s what happened.

First off… Fuck yeah! I mean, come on, that is fucking awesome! Let’s be clear here. I’m a liberal Canadian with a pretty disdainful view of U.S. foreign policy. If someone were to call me a socialist or a peacenik, I wouldn’t argue – as long as they didn’t call me a damn dirty hippie. That being said, three Navy sharpshooters parachuted in, took their position on a boat in open water, accounted for the movement of both boats, then simultaneously took three successful shots from about a hundred feet away. That is badass no matter what country you call home.

Obviously, I am not the only one who thinks this whole US-Navy-Seals-vs-Somali-Pirates thing is pretty wild. According to NPR, cable network Spike TV just has announced a deal to produce – with the cooperation of the U.S. Navy – a show about U.S. Navy pirate hunters.


If there is a God, the cast from 1990’s Navy Seals will reunite to host the show because the only thing cooler that a show about pirate hunters is a show about pirate hunters hosted by Charlie Sheen in ‘90s wannabe badass mode. The only thing I can’t decide is the title. Pirate Hunters? Navy Seals: Pirate Hunters? When Pirates Explode? Either way, it’s sure to be the feel good hit of the season for Americans tired of wars they can’t win. (Note to the producers at Spike TV: You’re welcome.)