On the list of geeky dream jobs, designing high-tech gadgets and weapons for a spy agency likely ranks just below actually being a spy and just above being a Imperial Stromtrooper. Seriously, when you watched James Bond movies as a kid, you either wanted to be Bond or you wanted to be Q, Bond’s sharp-tongued, easily-exasperated-yet-kindly gadget guru. While you can’t be James Bond or a Stormtrooper (without being mocked, anyway), thanks to the British Security Service, you just might be able to be Q.
According to the BBC, the UK’s domestic intelligence agency, better known as MI5, is looking for a “Q” of its own to appoint as Chief Scientific Advisor. The successful applicant will help MI5 harness developments in science and technology that will combat terrorism and support field officers in counter-intelligence activities. Best of all, your business cards gets to read “Chief Scientific Advisor, MI5”… if you can’t get laid with that, you might as well give it up.
While I am but a lowly writer and lack the “world-class scientific expertise” necessary to fill the position at MI5, I’m not depressed about it. I’m just happy to know I live in a world where at least some of the best and brightest scientific minds will be focused on creating awesome new ways to piss off bad guys.
To help MI5’s new Chief Scientific Advisor start his or her new career off right, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our Top-10 Inventions That the World Needs Now… like right fucking now:
10. Transparisteel: Transparent steel is a mainstay in the world of science fiction. While it’s all well and good to use it to make starship windows and whale tanks, we need to get working on it for use in more practical applications – like, you know, things that don’t involve wookies or an aging Captain Kirk.
9. Rocket Packs: This one is obviously long overdue. Admittedly, rocket packs do exist and have for quite some time now, but not in a way befitting a discreet, world-class spy. We need something a little more Iron Man and a little less Arrested Development.
8. Watches with Laser Beams: Evil geniuses might need sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, but spies need fancy watches with laser beams to get them out of the situation where they might meet said shark in the first place. Also, if the laser happens to be built into a nice OMEGA Seamaster, there’s no harm in everything looking good too.
7. Cell-Based Big Brother Technology: Civil liberties and rights to privacy are all well and good but to be perfectly honest, I’d put up with having my cell phone used as part of a giant eavesdropping network if it meant we could track down international terrorists a bit easier. Perhaps we can hire Morgan Freeman to run the system, since he’d make everyone feel better about the whole situation.
6. X-Ray Specs: Thermal imaging and night vision are a good start, but when it comes right down to it how are we going to find douche bags hiding in caves or cheat at poker or baccarat against an egomaniacal villain without proper x-ray specs?
5. Cloaking Device: I think we can all agree that a cloaking device just makes sense for a spy, right? Whether by land, sea or air, arriving unannounced and undetected is pretty much the goal. Apparently, the Pentagon is already working on a Harry Potter-esque invisibility cloak, so why don’t we just go ahead and get MI5 to throw in a few bucks and perfect the technology.
4. A Working Firewall: As nerdy as it seems, information is power and if we can’t protect our computer files from unscrupulous types, then there’s no point in inventing awesome stuff or having spies in the first place. And no, it seems doubtful Microsoft will be a sub-contractor on this little job.
3. The Swiss Army Tuxedo / Suit: Fact: Sometimes, a spy needs to rock a nice suit. Fact: While rocking said suit, lord knows what dangers or predicaments might present themselves. If we can put a man on the moon, we can make a Kevlar-reinforced, Wi-Fi-enabled, GPS-equipped, HAZMAT-ready battle-tested tuxedo / suit.
2. Mechanical Alligator Disguises: If Octopussy taught us anything (apart from how to secretly switch a real Faberge egg with a fake one), it’s that the only way to secretly infiltrate a feminist military stronghold is with a mechanical alligator disguise. I have to believe that scenario will only become more and more prevalent in the future.
1. A Badass Ride: Batman has the Batmobile. James Bond has had a wealth of stunning Aston Martins and an iconic Lotus Esprit. Hell, Tony Stark even has an Audi R8 that I’m sure packs some decent tech. Make it silent, make it deadly, make it unbelievably fast, make it the scourge of terrorists and ne’er-do-wells… just make it.
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