Tips for a Box-Office Bonanza!

If you’ve followed Pop Culture A.D.D. for long, you probably know what I think of The Wire and The Office and, in turn, actor Idris Elba. That is, they are awesome.


Normally, I wouldn’t pay much attention to a low-budget version of Fatal Attraction cast with African American actors and one crazy (albeit hot) white lady. However, when one of those actors is Elba (forever to be known as Stringer Bell), it tends to catch my eye, as was the case with the trailers for Obsessed. Here, check out the trailer for yourself.

Ok, whether or not it was your cup of tea, you have to admit it looks kind of trashy and possibly fun in an awful, so-bad-it’s-good kind of way. However, there are apocryphal (read: most likely made up) rumours that the original title of the movie was different… very different.

Despite the fact that Obsessed did pretty darn good numbers at the box office in its opening weekend, I have to say, I think this original title would have helped it tack on another $10 million.

Now, play back the trailer in your mind. Picture the photo with the face cut out… picture Ali Larter exposing herself in the car… picture the fight with Beyoncé Knowles. Now, instead of the title “Obsessed” coming up after those images, imagine the title was:

“Oh No She Didn’t”

That, my friends, is what you call crossover appeal and box-office gold.

Pop Culture A.D.D. Presents: Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

Every once in a while, someone in the public eye says something so outlandish or bizarre that you just have to take a moment to stop, shake your head and exclaim “Whaaaaaaaaaaa?”

Obviously, actors, writers, directors and producers – basically, anyone who has ever worked in Hollywood for a day in their lives – offer up their astonishingly curious insights with alarming regularity. That being said, if you really want to come face to face with crazy, look no further that professional athletes.

Between the endless positive reinforcement of virtually any behavior (dog fighting excepted, of course, right Mr. Vick?), the language barriers, the ridiculous entourages, the slang, the money and the removal from normal society, athletes can be a treasure trove of the bizarre.

Without further adieu, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present the following quote:

"Well, I try not to eat the lady… I try not to eat the man! Just give me the car. I try to find the car. Worst case scenario, I eat the lady."

Once you get the inevitable “Whaaaaaaaaaaa?” out of the way, you’re mind will no doubt be reeling, incapable of recognizing the meaning in this absurd, pseudo-sexual words. Fear not, that is the normal reaction to reading quotes from athletes.

The quote in question was given in one of the three following contexts:

1st: New York Jets draft pick and quarterback Mark Sanchez, during his post-draft interview, trying to diplomatically answer questions about exploring the swingers’ lifestyle in college parking lots.

2nd: Houston Rockets forward Ron Artest, after eating Flintstones vitamins during a radio interview and being asked whether he looks to see which Flintstone he is eating.

3rd: New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, after being asked if he’d join teammate Alex Rodriguez and his rumoured girlfriend, Madonna, in a threesome if they bought him the first Rolls-Royce Ghost.

Sadly, the world of pro sports is bizarre enough that all three answers could seem plausible if you spend enough time reading athlete interviews. However, only the third context is correct and shows just how highly anticipated the new Rolls-Royce is in the sports world.

(Just kidding, of course. The proper context is second, meaning the quote comes from certified fan-puncher Ron Artest. Way to keep up that strength, Ron.)

Friday Throwdown! Michael Bay vs. The Devil

Following the success of Bad Boys and The Rock, Entertainment Weekly wondered aloud if director Michael Bay was, in fact, the devil. The fact that Armageddon was in production at the time made the question a timely one. Since then, every time a mindless, special-effects extravaganza helmed by Michael Bay destroys all comers at the box office, critics wail about the death of artistry and the idiocy of the unwashed masses and invariably, somebody once again ponders Bay’s possibly satanic heritage.

Let’s be clear, Michael Bay is no auteur in the traditional sense. His wildly bombastic movies and keen commercial instincts might cause the gentile to swoon or drop their monocle into a cup of tea, but in the end, he is no devil. Before we get on with the throwdown, I’d just like to point out the five things that prove Michael Bay is most assuredly NOT the devil:

5. Scarlett Johansson in white tights (The Island)
4. The Porsche vs. Cobra chase (Bad Boys)
3. Bumblebee’s reintroduction to the Kill Bill soundtrack (Transformers)
2. Everything about The Rock (The Rock)
1. Slow-motion helicopters, sun sets and waving flags (Every Michael Bay movie)


Seriously, anyone that has given all those things to the world is more angel than devil. They might be testosterone-laden, juvenile fantasies but goddamn it, they are AWESOME testosterone-laden, juvenile fantasies. (Geek sidebar: You know what’s going to suck? Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. You know why it’s going to suck? Because Michael Bay isn’t directing it.)

Anyway, now that we know Michael Bay isn’t the devil, I think it’s high time the two met and settled things the old fashioned way. Let’s meet our contenders and let the Friday Throwdown begin!

Director / Producer Michael Bay!


Author of lies / Promoter of evil Satan!


RISE TO FAME:

Following a successful early career directing music videos and TV commercials (including the original “Got Milk?” ads), Bay teamed with the producing duo of Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson to release Bad Boys in 1995 and The Rock in 1996.

There are contradicting reports, but it’s possible the devil was once an archangel who turned against God before the creation of man, then turned up as a serpent in the Garden of Eden to tempt Adam and Eve into eating forbidden fruit.


Advantage: Michael Bay! (Sorry, Satan, you’ve really got to bring your A-game to beat a guy who unleashed The Rock upon the world.)

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS:

As a teenager, Michael Bay worked at Industrial Light & Magic in the storyboard department for films including Raiders of the Lost Ark, which he couldn’t envision succeeding.

According to Vatican exorcist Gabriele Amorth, demons can occupy a house and possess household items, especially domestic appliances that use electricity. That explains my George Foreman Grill.


Advantage: Satan! (The next time my computer crashes, at least I don’t have to blame Bill Gates.)

HIGH POINT:

Armageddon, the final battle between Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck (and logic).

Armageddon, the final battle between God and Satan.


Advantage: Michael Bay! (Sadly, Satan’s Armageddon doesn’t involve animal crackers and Liv Tyler’s belly button.)

LOW POINT:

Michael Bay was offered Van Helsing but turned down the job and opted instead to direct The Island. The end result was one absolute train wreck of a movie (Van Helsing) and one decent albeit uninspired movie (The Island). In a perfect world, Bay would have directed Van Helsing and Sommers would never direct a feature film again.

Satan has lost a fiddling contest to the Charlie Daniels Band and a guitar contest to Tenacious D.


Advantage: Satan! (Really, there’s no shame in losing a rock-off to Jack Black and The D.)

COMING ATTRACTIONS:

Michael Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is set for release on June 24th, 2009, and is no doubt going to be louder, shinier and more explosivey than the first film.

Satan is set to appear in Las Vegas every time a virgin with $1,000 in his pocket and unpaid rent at home steps off the plane at McCarran International Airport.


Advantage: Michael Bay! (Getting 20-somethings to sin is child’s play compared to making it look like Megan Fox can act.)

FINAL SCORECARD:

Michael Bay: 3
Satan: 2

Way to go, Michael Bay! Never let the naysayers get you down! Perhaps you should celebrate your little victory the way only you can: by filming a helicopter at sunset in slow motion.

Dear George Lucas: Watch your back.

If you are reading this, chances are you are either a geek or know a geek well enough to have more than a passing familiarity with geekdom. If you are a geek, it could be further surmised that you consider yourself either a Star Trek geek (Trekkie) or Star Wars geek (Wookie?).

As you might have guessed, I am a bona fide, card-carrying Star Wars geek with the bed sheets, toys and Han Solo blaster to prove it. With apologies to a friend who shall remain nameless (Stephanie), I always thought the question of which science fiction franchise was better wasn’t a question at all. Star Wars was and always would be better, end of story. The Millennium Falcon was cooler than the Enterprise. Han was cooler than Kirk. Hell, even Ewoks were cooler than Tribbles.


Recently, however, things have started to change and I have to admit, it’s kind of freaking me out. It all started with the Prequel Trilogy. There were some amazing moments in each of them (most of them involving Ewan McGregor and the score by John Williams) but as much as I desperately wanted to love them and accepted that I’d outgrown their target demographic, overall, they just weren’t that good.

One of the things that helped fill the geeky void in my heart after the disappointment of the Prequel Trilogy wasn’t sci-fi and wasn’t even a movie, it was Lost. The two-hour pilot of Lost still stands as one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen on TV and I was immediately hooked and have enjoyed the ride ever since. Obviously, the reason I bring this up is because of Lost co-creator, executive producer and pilot director J.J. Abrams.


Unless you’ve been kickin’ back on the dark side of the moon, you are no doubt aware that that very same J.J. Abrams is directing the new Star Trek movie, which is set to reboot the franchise when it is unleashed on May 8th, 2009. As much as the Star Wars fan in me wants the movie to suck like Jar-Jar, the fact of the matter is Star Trek looks fucking awesome and those that have seen it are quickly running out of hyperbolic ways to describe its awesomeness.

The reviews, the trailer, the aesthetic, the cast, the pedigree… it’s enough to warm the heart of any true geek – even those frozen in carbonite. While all those things are impressive, the thing that finally wore down any remaining resistance I may have harboured was this: “fire everything!” My response? “Fuck yeah!”


It’s a very special thing for two little words to change the heart of a lifelong Star Wars fan, but there you have it. (I just hope this doesn't mean I need to buy a United Federation Starfleet tunic now.)

So watch your back, George. J.J.’s gunning for you.

Oh, comics. How do I love thee...

Playwright and poet William Congreve originally wrote that “music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.” Since modern society has already taken it upon itself to rework the quote into the much simpler “music soothes the savage beast”, I figure there is no harm in further tweaking so that the phrase feels more personal to me. To wit:

Comic books hath charms to soothe a savage temper, to soften harsh realities, or turn an old man young.

What I’m trying to say is that no matter how much life changes for me personally or the world changes around me, there is something deeply comforting and relaxing about taking the time to sink into my loveseat at home and crack open a good comic book. Hell, even a bad comic book has its charms.

Obviously, the allure of a good comic book comes down to good, old-fashioned escapism. Comics can transport you back to the simpler times of a youth filled with cheap comics from drugstore spinner racks. Comics can turn a complex, grayscale world into a simple world of black and white, of good and evil. Just like the fables of fireside stories before them, comics can also guide morality and inspire hope. Perhaps most of all, comics can make you smile at the iconic, absurd awesomeness of it all.

With all that in mind, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present the Top-10 Reasons Comics Make Me Smile:

10. Ninjas, Dinosaurs, and the Impermanence of Death:


Real life is filled with rules and threats and distasteful choices and Fox News. Comic books are filled with ninjas and dinosaurs and flying cars and Hitler getting punched in the face. Best of all, unless you are Uncle Ben, you can take one for the team and die knowing you’ll be back in no time.

9. Iron Fist Has Awesome Friends:


You know who’d make lame friends? Ross and Rachel. You know who’d make awesome friends? Mother-fucking Luke Cage, Misty Knight and the Immortal Weapons of the Heavenly Cities, that’s who.

8. Matthew Murdock Never Gives Up:


People think Spider-Man / Peter Parker has it bad thanks to the death of an uncle and a girlfriend but that’s nothing compared to the never-ending trials and tribulations endured by Daredevil / Matthew Murdock. Seriously, his life is awash in dead family and friends, psychopaths, asylum-bound wives, drugs, dementia and Catholic guilt. Does he give up? Fuck no. He hits life in the face with a billy club, that’s what Matthew Murdock does.

7. The Might of Mjolnir:


Two words: “Kraka” and “Thoom”. Thanks, Walt Simonson.

6. The Artistry of Doctor Doom’s Villainy:


I don’t think it’s difficult to be a villain. Hell, robbing a bank or threatening someone’s life is probably a lot easier than doing something truly heroic. Know what isn’t easy? Being a really good villain and really selling your villainy – and nobody does it better than Doctor Doom. That guy makes chair-sitting look evil.

5. Captain America is Patriotic:


I’m not even American and I admit to getting swept up in the purity and grandeur of Captain America’s patriotism. It shouldn’t be surprising considering the guy is dressed like the frickin’ flag, but when it comes to inspiring the troops and giving evil the old right hook, nobody does it better than Cap.

4. Batman Can Beat Up Superman:


Superman is an alien / God. Batman is a really pissed-off orphan. Somehow, it is just kind of comforting every time a writer decides to figure out a new way for Batman to lay the beat down on the big ol’ boy scout. It may raise theological issues and take wish fulfillment a little far, but you can’t argue that basically punching God in the face is kind of cool.

3. Everything About Aquaman:


Green pants. Orange shirt. Blonde hair. Ability to talk to marine life. Aquaman is basically “living” proof that sometimes things are cooler than the sum of their parts. He shouldn’t really be awesome… but brother, when you see him comin’ at ya all pissed off and riding a fucking whale, that’s exactly what he is.

2. Daredevil Knows How to Make People Talk:


How many times has Daredevil gone into Josie’s Bar (or any other wretched hive of scum and villainy), busted some heads and come out with the information he needs? 50 times? 100 times? You’d think low-level street thugs would start buying a case of beer and staying home with the door locked to watch America’s Next Top Model instead of going out every night and getting their ass handed to them.

1. Batman is a Badass:


Imagine the coolest thing you’ve ever said or done. Now imagine the coolest thing someone way cooler than you has ever said or done. Now add that amount of coolness together, multiply it by 1,000, dress it up in black, give it a couple billion dollars and an awesome car and have it kick you in the face. That’s Batman and that is just one of the many reasons why comic books make me smile.

Things You Might Not Know Are Awesome But Totally Are: Freaks and Geeks

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good something is, you just don’t have the time, knowledge or circumstances to appreciate it when it is new. While it lends a certain amount of geek street cred to say you were on board with something special right from the beginning, the magic of DVD and Blu-Ray means that you needn’t fret if you missed out.

For example, if you were in a coma, ship wrecked on a deserted island, in a drug-induced haze or perhaps just curled up in the fetal position without access to a TV and happened to miss either Arrested Development or The Wire, there is no reason not to rectify the situation. Seriously. Like right now.


I have no idea what I was doing with my free time when Freaks and Geeks first aired on NBC in 1999 and 2000, but I missed it. Honestly, I don’t even have an excuse. I obviously had a TV and was even watching NBC on a weekly basis thanks to the 1999 debut of The West Wing, so I have no idea what happened… maybe I just wasn’t ready for Seth Rogen’s Jew-fro yet. Who knows? Regardless, I am proud I can now mark it off of my official “to-watch” list. You’re next, Mad Men!

Anyway, now that I’ve seen it, I can join in the fairly universal praise it receives and also offer Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Top-Five Reasons Why Freaks and Geeks is Awesome:

5. The Honesty


More often than not, pop culture tends to portray only the most rigid, extreme examples of a social class. Cool characters are cool almost to a fault; geeky characters are rarely more than a one-note caricature. However, in the world of Freaks and Geeks, the characters feel more organic… the cool kids can have a bad day or make an embarrassing decision; the un-cool kids can enjoy an occasional shining moment of triumph. Having had my fair share of both freaky and geeky moments in my life, I appreciated the deft touch shown by creator Paul Feig, producer Judd Apatow and the show’s writers.

4. The Geeks


As promised by the title, the show focuses on both freaks and geeks, with the latter represented by a wonderfully charming trio of social outcasts. John Francis Daley plays Sam Weir, the coolest of the un-cool kids and younger brother of the show’s main heroine; Samm Levine plays Neil Schweiber, who was more-or-less accurately described as looking like a grandpa in the show; and Martin Starr plays Bill Haverchuck, the bespectacled and gangly geek with a peanut allergy. As best friends dealing with that awkward stage between Star Wars and the fairer sex (which, for some of us, never completely goes away), the geeks are spot on.

3. The Parents


I’m trying to think a funnier set of parents than Harold and Jean Weir, as played by Joe Flaherty of SCTV fame and Becky Ann Baker. Harold and Jean are equal parts protective and permissive, realizing they are lucky to have such bright, (mostly) well-adjusted children but lamenting the growing chasm between parent and child. More than anything, the Weir parents are just downright hilarious in their own awkward yet natural way. Suck it, Cindy and Jim Walsh.

2. The Music


Without question, the music is an integral, amazing part of the show and you’d have to be a Nickelback fan not to appreciate it. From Rush to The Who to the fact that the opening credits are set to Bad Reputation by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, the music sets the tone for just how awesome and authentic the show is. Sadly, the music is also what makes it hard to find the DVDs in your local Wal-Mart bargain bin. Rather than neuter the show by cutting out the music, Apatow and Co. decided to bite the bullet and pay the royalty fees for the DVD release. The good news? The music is fucking awesome. The bad news? It doesn’t come cheap.

1. The Freaks


Not since the star factories of Welcome Back, Kotter and ER pumped out John Travolta and George Clooney has a TV show spawned such a wealth of big-name talent. Like older, sex-drug-and-rock-and-roll-obsessed versions of the three geeks, the three freaks are portrayed by Seth Rogen, James Franco and Jason Segal. Basically, if you enjoyed the interplay between Rogen and Franco in Pineapple Express or Segal’s character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, you’ll dig Freaks and Geeks. To top it all off, as geek-turned-freak Lindsay Weir, actress Linda Cardellini offers a charming glimpse into both worlds.

Sadly, Freaks and Geeks was a brilliant show that never found the audience it deserved. Considering it took me a goddamn decade to track it down and watch it, I can’t help but take some of the blame for its demise. Sorry, everyone. As punishment, I’ll make myself watch an episode of Two and a Half Men or Big Bang Theory.

What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love… and an Aston Martin with Machine Guns.

On the list of geeky dream jobs, designing high-tech gadgets and weapons for a spy agency likely ranks just below actually being a spy and just above being a Imperial Stromtrooper. Seriously, when you watched James Bond movies as a kid, you either wanted to be Bond or you wanted to be Q, Bond’s sharp-tongued, easily-exasperated-yet-kindly gadget guru. While you can’t be James Bond or a Stormtrooper (without being mocked, anyway), thanks to the British Security Service, you just might be able to be Q.

According to the BBC, the UK’s domestic intelligence agency, better known as MI5, is looking for a “Q” of its own to appoint as Chief Scientific Advisor. The successful applicant will help MI5 harness developments in science and technology that will combat terrorism and support field officers in counter-intelligence activities. Best of all, your business cards gets to read “Chief Scientific Advisor, MI5”… if you can’t get laid with that, you might as well give it up.

While I am but a lowly writer and lack the “world-class scientific expertise” necessary to fill the position at MI5, I’m not depressed about it. I’m just happy to know I live in a world where at least some of the best and brightest scientific minds will be focused on creating awesome new ways to piss off bad guys.

To help MI5’s new Chief Scientific Advisor start his or her new career off right, Pop Culture A.D.D. is proud to present our Top-10 Inventions That the World Needs Now… like right fucking now:

10. Transparisteel: Transparent steel is a mainstay in the world of science fiction. While it’s all well and good to use it to make starship windows and whale tanks, we need to get working on it for use in more practical applications – like, you know, things that don’t involve wookies or an aging Captain Kirk.


9. Rocket Packs: This one is obviously long overdue. Admittedly, rocket packs do exist and have for quite some time now, but not in a way befitting a discreet, world-class spy. We need something a little more Iron Man and a little less Arrested Development.

8. Watches with Laser Beams: Evil geniuses might need sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, but spies need fancy watches with laser beams to get them out of the situation where they might meet said shark in the first place. Also, if the laser happens to be built into a nice OMEGA Seamaster, there’s no harm in everything looking good too.

7. Cell-Based Big Brother Technology: Civil liberties and rights to privacy are all well and good but to be perfectly honest, I’d put up with having my cell phone used as part of a giant eavesdropping network if it meant we could track down international terrorists a bit easier. Perhaps we can hire Morgan Freeman to run the system, since he’d make everyone feel better about the whole situation.


6. X-Ray Specs: Thermal imaging and night vision are a good start, but when it comes right down to it how are we going to find douche bags hiding in caves or cheat at poker or baccarat against an egomaniacal villain without proper x-ray specs?

5. Cloaking Device: I think we can all agree that a cloaking device just makes sense for a spy, right? Whether by land, sea or air, arriving unannounced and undetected is pretty much the goal. Apparently, the Pentagon is already working on a Harry Potter-esque invisibility cloak, so why don’t we just go ahead and get MI5 to throw in a few bucks and perfect the technology.

4. A Working Firewall: As nerdy as it seems, information is power and if we can’t protect our computer files from unscrupulous types, then there’s no point in inventing awesome stuff or having spies in the first place. And no, it seems doubtful Microsoft will be a sub-contractor on this little job.


3. The Swiss Army Tuxedo / Suit: Fact: Sometimes, a spy needs to rock a nice suit. Fact: While rocking said suit, lord knows what dangers or predicaments might present themselves. If we can put a man on the moon, we can make a Kevlar-reinforced, Wi-Fi-enabled, GPS-equipped, HAZMAT-ready battle-tested tuxedo / suit.

2. Mechanical Alligator Disguises: If Octopussy taught us anything (apart from how to secretly switch a real Faberge egg with a fake one), it’s that the only way to secretly infiltrate a feminist military stronghold is with a mechanical alligator disguise. I have to believe that scenario will only become more and more prevalent in the future.

1. A Badass Ride: Batman has the Batmobile. James Bond has had a wealth of stunning Aston Martins and an iconic Lotus Esprit. Hell, Tony Stark even has an Audi R8 that I’m sure packs some decent tech. Make it silent, make it deadly, make it unbelievably fast, make it the scourge of terrorists and ne’er-do-wells… just make it.

Friday Throwdown! Barack Obama vs. Guardian!

I have to admit I’ve been feeling both patriotic as a Canadian and a little jealous of the rock star status of U.S. President Barack Obama lately. As a nation, Canada is the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas. Canada is socially and geographically diverse yet tightly knit; bound together physically by railways and highways and spiritually by health care, hockey, humour (spelt with a “u”, no less) and whatever the opposite of hubris is.

Despite all we have as Canadians, the one thing we do not have is an iconic leader. We certainly have in the past but right now, this is our Prime Minister:


I was considering pitting Canadian Prime Minister (and kitten lover) Steven Harper against U.S. President (and badass) Barack Obama in this week’s Friday Throwdown but what’s the point? Obama’s too busy firing General Motors executives and ordering Navy Seals to kill pirates to bother fighting so far below his weight class. Obviously, Obama needs a worthy adversary from north of the 49th parallel.

So, with that in mind, let’s get to it and introduce this week’s combatants for Pop Culture A.D.D.’s Friday Throwdown!

Guardian!


Barack Obama!


Seriously, who did you think was going to represent Canada going toe-to-toe with Obama? Keanu Reeves? (Admittedly, that would be funny, but still.)

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get it on!

REAL NAME:

Guardian’s real name is James MacDonald Hudson, which may well be the most hilarious, overly Canadian name ever created. Stat with James, then add the last name of Canada’s first prime Minister, then finish it off with the name of the company (Hudson’s Bay Company) that helped with the founding of the frickin’ country. It would be like naming an American naming his son James Lincoln Cowboy.

Barack Obama’s real name is Barack Hussein Obama II. Unlike Fox “News”, I don’t bring up his full name to create imaginary ties to anything un-American. I honestly don’t know how those guys sleep at night… right, Steven Stalin Hitler Harper II? Anyway, I just bring up his full name to point out it is nowhere near as cool as James MacDonald Hudson.


Advantage: Guardian. (Way to go, James Hockey Puck Timbit Socialized Medicine MacDonald Hudson!)

VOCATIONAL HISTORY:

While working for the American-Canadian Petro-Chemical Company in Canada, Hudson designed an armored suit for the purposes of geological exploration. After realizing his boss wanted to sell the suit to the military, Hudson left the company and took the suit, the designs and his boss’ secretary with him. Inspired by the Fantastic Four, Hudson helped create Canada’s first superhero team, Alpha Flight!

After graduating from Columbia University and Harvard Law School, Obama worked as a civil rights attorney in Chicago and taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School. Obama served in the Illinois State Senate and then the U.S. Senate before becoming the U.S. President. Presumably, Obama accomplished all of this so he’d have the authority to kill pirates.


Advantage: Guardian. (Sorry, Obama. Being leader of the free world is all well and good, but quitting your job, taking the hot-librarian-looking secretary with you and then starting Alpha Flight makes you a gent and a G.)

FRIENDS & TEAMMATES:

Guardian formed Alpha Flight, which initially consisted of an amphibious Newfoundlander (Marrina), a gay speedster and his multiple personality disorder sister (Northstar and Aurora), a hairy dwarf (Puck), a First Nations medicine man (Shaman), an Inuit demi-goddess (Snowbird), a brilliant sasquatch (Sasquatch) and Guardian’s secretary-turned-wife-turned-super-heroine Heather MacNeil Hudson.

Obama has his cabinet, including an ice queen and former political adversary (Hilary Clinton) and a man incapable of internal monologue (Joe Biden); his family, including an adorable new member / Portuguese water dog (Bo-Bama); as well as legions of would-be friends, well-wishers and admirers from around the globe.


Advantage: Guardian. (You did see “brilliant sasquatch” and “hairy dwarf” among Guardian’s friends, right? That one was over before it started, no matter how cute the Obama puppy is.)

OUTFIT OF CHOICE:

Guardian likes to rock a high-tech battlesuit of his own design. Utilizing the earth’s electromagnetic field, the suit grants Guardian superhuman strength as well as the ability to fly, shoot concussion blasts and shield himself from danger. Oh yeah, it also looks like the mother-fucking Canadian flag.

Obama likes to rock designer suits designed by Hart Schaffner Marx. Utilizing merino wool and cashmere, the suit grants Obama the ability to look cool while addressing the nation or meeting with foreign leaders.


Advantage: Guardian. (I did mention his suit is basically a flying Canadian flag, right?)

MOST RECENT APPEARANCE:

The last time Guardian was seen, he was dead as Julius Caesar, collapsed in the snow following an unseen battle with… actually, forget it. It’s not even worth talking about. Stupid Brian Michael Bendis.

The last time Obama was seen, he was being honest and forthright about the state of the U.S. economy and was also outlining his plan for the development of world-class, 200 mph super-trains in California.


Advantage: Obama. (Well played, Obama. Well played.)

FINAL SCORECARD:

Guardian: 4
Obama: 1

Don’t feel bad, Mr. President. The past may belong to Guardian but the future belongs to you.

The Beatles: Rock Band (aka why I will soon be broke)

At long last, Harmonix, music-based video-game developer extraordinaire, is starting to release details about the upcoming The Beatles: Rock Band. In case you’ve been in a Sunny von Bülow-type coma for nearly five decades, here’s the “For Dummies” version of why that is exciting:


The Beatles are four guys from Liverpool, England, who revolutionized pop music and the fainting threshold of teeny boppers from 1960 to 1970.

Rock Band is a four-instrument, music-based video game from Harmonix that revolutioned just how inept amatuer drummers could be from 2007 to present.

As for the actual details of The Beatles: Rock Band that have been released, Harmonix is still holding back on the good stuff – like the track list or even number of tracks. However, that’s not to say Harmonix didn’t leak some interesting details:

1. The release date is 09/09/09.


I’m not sure of the significance of the number, but I have to assume it is because the number of the devil is 666 so something as obviously awesome as The Beatles: Rock Band would have to be a bigger / opposite number.

2. The special edition is $249.99!?


We’re talking $249.99 U.S. funds. Not Canadian funds. Not pesos or fucking rubles, but U.S. funds. Admittedly, the limited edition “premium bundle” includes the game, a Höfner bass inspired by the one McCartney used, Ludwig-branded drums (with classic pearl finish and replica Beatle kick-drum head) as well as a mic and stand. Still. Ouch. I’ve only got so many organs and body fluids to sell, Harmonix.

3. “The Beatles: Rock Band will allow fans to… experience The Beatles’ extraordinary catalogue of music… that takes players on a journey through the legacy and evolution of the band’s legendary career.” – MTV press release


Hmmm… what’s the phrase I’m looking for here? Oh yeah, I remember now: Fuck yeah! That part of the press release makes it seem as though there will be something of a narrative or timeline to enjoy. If we get to start off playing at The Cavern Club and make our way to The Ed Sullivan Show and beyond, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. (Let’s just hope Yoko and Mark David Chapman are nowhere to be seen.)

Damn Dirty Hippies

Pirates vs. U.S. Navy: Not a fair fight... but still awesome!

As you may have heard, pirates are back in the news these days. Oddly, the pirates in question are not metrosexual, Keith Richards-based box-office pirates but actual living, breathing, thieving pirates of the sea.


Based out of Somalia, these specific pirates recently found themselves taking centre stage after a run-in with Capt. Richard Phillips, the crew of the Maersk Alabama merchant ship and… here’s the kicker… mother-fuckin’ US Navy Seals.

Here’s the 30-second version of what happened:

Wednesday, April 8th: Four Somali pirates use grappling hooks to board the Alabama. Capt. Phillips surrenders himself to keep his crew safe and is taken to a lifeboat by the pirates.

Thursday, April 9th: The USS Bainbridge, an honest-to-goodness US Navy destroyer, is on the way. The crew of the Alabama – coached by FBI agents – attempts to negotiate with the pirates.

Friday, April 10th: Capt. Phillips makes a break for it and jumps into the ocean to try to swim to the USS Bainbridge. One of the pirates fires an automatic weapon, forcing Phillips to return to the lifeboat. The USS Halyburton (which carries helicopters) and the USS Boxer (which can fucking launch missiles) show up.

Saturday, April 11th: U.S. President Barack Obama authorizes the use of military force to rescue Capt. Phillips.


Sunday, April 12th: One of the pirates surrenders but negotiations with the remaining three pirates are not going well. Capt. Phillips was tied up and had a gun aimed at him. On the deck of the USS Bainbridge about 25 to 30 metres away from the lifeboat, three Navy snipers – that had secretly parachuted in – each fired a single bullet, killing the three remaining pirates and freeing Capt. Phillips.

Ok, so that’s what happened.

First off… Fuck yeah! I mean, come on, that is fucking awesome! Let’s be clear here. I’m a liberal Canadian with a pretty disdainful view of U.S. foreign policy. If someone were to call me a socialist or a peacenik, I wouldn’t argue – as long as they didn’t call me a damn dirty hippie. That being said, three Navy sharpshooters parachuted in, took their position on a boat in open water, accounted for the movement of both boats, then simultaneously took three successful shots from about a hundred feet away. That is badass no matter what country you call home.

Obviously, I am not the only one who thinks this whole US-Navy-Seals-vs-Somali-Pirates thing is pretty wild. According to NPR, cable network Spike TV just has announced a deal to produce – with the cooperation of the U.S. Navy – a show about U.S. Navy pirate hunters.


If there is a God, the cast from 1990’s Navy Seals will reunite to host the show because the only thing cooler that a show about pirate hunters is a show about pirate hunters hosted by Charlie Sheen in ‘90s wannabe badass mode. The only thing I can’t decide is the title. Pirate Hunters? Navy Seals: Pirate Hunters? When Pirates Explode? Either way, it’s sure to be the feel good hit of the season for Americans tired of wars they can’t win. (Note to the producers at Spike TV: You’re welcome.)